I moved my folks into my house in 2012. Dad had blood clots, COPD, a touch of non-diagnosed dementia. Mom was his main caregiver.
But, then Mom had a stroke in 2016, and the VD took hold along with other problems from the stroke.
Dad passed in 2017, at home.
Now, it is 2021 and Mom asks were Dad is. Not always, but often enough to be troublesome.
I know not to tell her that he passed because of the grief reaction. However, When I try to deflect, Mom gets it in her head that he's abandoned her and she grieves for that!
Any suggestions? They were married for 57 years.
She knows he has died. She was there. But, with her VD she sometimes forgets. So, she asks where he is or when he'll get home. I've gone thru the telling her again...grief and shutdown. I've done the deflection and sometimes it works but other times she's sure he abandoned her....grief and shutdown.
Deflection is not lying.
And she absolutely loaths looking at old pictures and whatnot. I've tried that one as well.
Dads short term memory was maybe two or three minutes at that point. I was not about to make him go through the shock and grief every time he asked where mom was. Nor did I take him to her memorial service. So when he asked, mom was at the doctors, in rehab, in the hospital etc. This was stuff he was very used to in the past years.
In the last year or so of his life he rarely asked about mom.
After dad died, we put his urn of ashes on his bedroom dresser with a photo of him so mom could see him and feel his presence. She found comfort in that, especially in her last few weeks (she passed last month, which was a blessing).
The people she brought up that were gone were her mother (mostly), her father (a few times) and one sister. At least those were the only ones she talked about with me. Her mother had been gone over 40 years, her dad died in our house when I was 10 and her sister had been gone for years.
Clearly the first time her mother popped into the discussion, she had stepped back in time. In the same time period she forgot her condo of 25 years and focused on the previous house. I responded in a way that just deferred her request or kept the responses vague (Have you seen or talked to SisterX? Not recently. She went on with her thoughts about that sister, without any response from me after that.) I had learned enough by that time that I knew telling her that these people were dead would not go over well.
The only time I mentioned a death was a cousin of mine. When I said Mary had recently passed away, she was angry that no one told her! I had only found out myself, as we hadn't been in contact with others in the family for many years.
Her statements and questions about her mother were rather sweet - gee, I wonder what's she's doing for X holiday? Would she be making turkey dinner? Why would I want to squash those memories by telling her the woman has been dead for 40+ years?
So, what do you use for "deflection"? If saying he's at work, at the store, out with the "boys", and the like don't work, perhaps a little bit more fibbing? A lot can depend on how long her short term memory is. My mother could forget something she or I said in a matter of minutes, but other times get stuck on something, like a record needle stuck in a scratch, repeating over and over. If she tends to forget quickly, perhaps you could tell her you just talked to him, he's on his way home? Or he called and is having car trouble, he will be home a bit late? If possible, follow these up with trying to guide her onto another topic or activity, cup of tea, check what's on TV, go for a walk - don't know enough about your mother to really nail anything down.
Although I could post our interactions about other family members, she never did ask about dad. For the first 2 years or so, she carried around pictures of dad and several with her siblings. I bought a small picture album, to help protect the pictures for her. She would often look through them, but never asked about them (she was the last of that generation on both sides of the family.)
(VD - I was typing in another post and thought the same thing, so I spelled it out. I've seen VaD used, but just now looking that up, nope, pages and pages on some medical device, no mention of dementia! I'm sure everyone knew what you meant!)
My mother has moderately advanced VD herself but never asks about her deceased husband of 68 years. She didn't like him much, to be honest. Lately, she's fixated on her mother and sisters who have been dead for decades. Depending on her mood and state of mind, I'll either tell her they're passed or not available to speak on the phone. There's no such thing as "lying" to a person with dementia, nor is there value in insisting on telling them the truth if it's going to agitate them. So you play it by ear. You tell her whatever she needs to hear at the moment to keep her calm.
Thats how I handle my 94 year old mother who changes on a daily basis, so I change along with her, to keep the peace and not further hype up an over dramatic woman.
Good luck with an ugly condition to deal with.
Or you could just bring up a discussion about his favorite dinners - anything to deflect to something nice to talk about. The first bit may not be 'true', but the discussion that follows could be genuine. Worth a try?
If it is too crushing to tell her that he died, tell her that he will be home later - depending on the severity of her dementia that could be the best way to go. A friend of mine said her mother used to tell her caregivers that her husband would be by to pick her and take her home. No one told her otherwise.
Good Luck
At one point, she asked me if her Mom was me (when I was in my office & out of her sight). I said kindly but w/ not w/ sadness - just matter of fact ness, "No Mom. Your mom was in heaven before I was born. But I would have loved to have met her! If you see her in your dreams tonight, please tell her so."
Maybe take that kind of tact w/ your mom? You could say, "Dad's in Heaven now, watching over you. He loves you as much now as ever." etc etc. It depends on your mom, but mine (also married 57 yrs) finds joy in remembering dad, and the marriage they had. Seems to bring comfort to her.
Lastly, if your mom is getting increasingly anxious about things, maybe talk to her dr about anxiety meds. My mom is on a fairly low dose of Lexapro & she does seem more emotionally stable (not out of it).