New question...at least for me.
Aside from myself my girls( twins age 11 and one if my older twins age 19) are having a hard time dealing with the daily negativity, I have explained what is going on and then LD them that we can go to group therapy for the effects of dementia on the caregiver and others involved with the person being cared for...this seemed to ease their minds a tad bit but not much....as well as it hasn't eased mine. For me, I Am grown and can cope...for them the road has been more intense...not to say it hasn't been hell for me. But, this was not what was expected. She was fine"mentally" a little less than a year ago. So much has changed and some was not known til I had already sold all our belongings and came to take care of Gram. Any advice? Aside from what I am already trying. I feel horrible for Gram( bcuz of dementia) and for girls for the things they are experiencing due to not knowing exactly what was going on with her(Gram) prior to moving back. Base history she was fine a year ago and begged us to move back home 8 hours away for months. Let girls finish school year and spend summer with friends...then moved back...to find Gram in a very mentally deteriorated state...beyond grief and loss...bordering paranoia and anger...at the world and loved ones. Definitely not the Gram we are/were accustom to... And, ty for any input, in advance. Much love and hugs to all that are going through it.
Is Gram under the care of a dementia specialist? Dementia can't be cured but many of the symptoms can be treated.
Having said that, I know that my brother would have me taken out and shot for this point of view. My SIL's father suffered from AD and put his wife and family through hell with it. The impact on the boys, my lovely nephews 1 and 2, was horrendous - but privately, and of course I would never say so to anyone because it's far too late, I maintain that it was because the situation was badly handled. There was far too much blame of the victim - Grandpa has changed and is now a Horrible Person so we won't make you visit him any more - and far too little in the way of lucid, age-appropriate explanation of the disease.
Validate their feelings. When Gram is mean to them, they have every right to feel upset and hurt. At the same time, they need to understand what we all need to grasp: that it's "nothing personal." It isn't Grandma who's acting that way; and it isn't them that she is speaking to. Hard for adults - you and me - and incredibly hard for them to get their heads round, but that's the challenge. If they can even get half way there, they can be very, very proud of themselves.
There must be on-line forums for child carers, too, speaking of age-appropriate. Your 19 year old (what's going on with her twin, by the way?) probably thinks she already knows everything - simply because most 19 year olds do think they know everything :) - so let her find her own community, or maybe just email her some links; but could their school counsellor recommend something for the younger children? Just as for us adults, perhaps knowing that they're not alone will be a great comfort; and sure as eggs is eggs they won't be the only children at their school having to deal with this.
I hope this will turn out well for you. Burning your bridges was a brave and loving thing to do; but no one will blame you for having qualms about it! Hugs, please keep posting.