When dementia based behaviors mimic previous dysfunctional behaviors, how do you separate the two? Now the folks are ill, so intellectually I know the behaviors are out of their control. However, growing up, some of these behaviors were also exhibited in the family dynamics ( explosive outbursts, OCD, belittling, denial, passive aggressive actions) so the behaviors are familiar but the cause is not the same. When I have the knee jerk response to the negative behaviors it is inappropriate given the circumstances have changed. Any ideas of how to interact positively when dealing with the people now suffering from moderate staged dementia who can be combative and have no reasoning skills left?
It doesn't seem to happen often.
She lives in a Memory Care facility where her every need is taken care of by staff. And the things they don't do, I fill in with. A vacation from what I'm not sure.
On my one day "off" this week I spent it placing orders for her for winter clothes and Depends, paying her bills, making phone calls to her insurance company, her Medicare plan, pharmacy, etc. So I guess I could use a vacation too.
Yes, my mom's reality is that I'm here to serve her. She's always been this way. Alzheimer's has just enlarged the pedestal she puts herself on. My coping mechanism is to do what's necessary and head for home when she gets nasty. When I feel the situation falling into her old patterns of putting me down and having no interest in anything but herself I have a hard time saying it's the disease - just too familiar. So I say to myself "some things never change" and count to 10 as I'm imagining myself on a beach in Hawaii.
I also have siblings that are not engaged with the day to day of mom's care. They get to live in their reality too. One of them still doesn't accept the Alzheimer's diagnosis after seven years.
It's hard to not let it get to you. The baggage from childhood tips the balance some days and then I take a mental health break and do something for myself. Even if it's just a cup of tea.
I say in your situation - speak some truth to the fact that you won't tolerate abusive behavior. It'll make you feel better to stand up for yourself - something we couldn't do as kids.
Back to the beginning, I told my mom that I'd be taking my vacation first and when I got back she could go on hers. It actually made her laugh.
But for more practical tips on dealing with the dysfunction -- in the moment -- change the environment by distracting your parent. Give them a treat (I keep small individually wrapped chocolates in my purse), turn on tv or turn it off, even just adjusting the blinds or opening a window can change my mom's tone. Sometimes all I can do is say "sorry, have to use the bathroom. Be right back." Then I stay in there as long as necessary. And I take out the trash a lot - her waste baskets are always empty. It was one of my hated chores as a kid. Now it's a respite.
She no longer has the control switch..I am free, though her Alz symtoms grow daily. Very sad to watch. My brother finally overdosed for the last time 2 years ago. He was her favorite. Its ok.. my faith is healing all my hurts. I walk out of her house when the vitriol starts and release her in love.
This has been quite a journey..may my healing and recovery encourage others that there is a way out of horrific dysfunctional cycles of abuse.
BTW, sometimes behaviors get better as dementia progresses. My mother was particularly mean up until the past year. Now she is just mean sometimes, usually when she thinks I'm trying to control her. (Asking her to take her sugar reading can set her off now. She's diabetic, so it's a necessity, but she sees it as nagging and controlling.)
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