My dad lives a ferry ride away from me now (his choice) and I am a full time student attempting to have a life of my own. I am in my 30's. He has 2 sisters w/husbands living near him that are starting to help more w feeding him and socializing. I am a big emotional support for him & have been since he was sick when I was a kid. I try my hardest to practice patience, acceptance, and empathy, but it is hard to discern between (undiagnosed) dementia/depression/learned helplessness. My Dad got sick in his 40s with cancer and the family's coping strategies (super dysfuctional) took away his independence and belief in himself. Now, if I am not available for him 24/7, or if I am meeting needs of myself or others, he punishes himself (and me) by refusing to eat, and by blowing his perceived medical issues out of proportion in a very drama-inducing way. I don't know how much is his unregulated fear and unresolved trauma, and how much is attention seeking behavior, but what I can tell is that his needs are not being met. I don't know how (and am not capable) of meeting his needs in the way he desires. I am trying to navigate getting him a diagnosis and home support so that he is better supported, but this rollercoaster is just insane. At times it is like he is intentionally self-harming to get attention, and refusing to try to care for himself so that I will do it for him. As I said, I am a full time student and do not live in the same town. I travel to stay with him once a month at least, and we talk on the phone a minimum of once a day. My siblings are not available or helpful. I am trying to find a balance here and care for my own family and self as best I can but I am falling short everywhere. I think things will get better once he has supports in place but it is taking forever. It hurts so much when he is harmful toward himself, and I can't tell if I am enabling when I give in, or if I am being selfish when I make boundaries with my time and energy. I just don't know what the right thing is to do as these patterns have been going on for so long. I'm sad, I'm frustrated, and I don't know how to effectively support him or myself anymore. I guess I am looking for suggestions. Please take it easy on me, I love my Dad so much and want to help him in any way I can, but I need to have some kind of balance in my life as well. Is there therapy for caregivers or kids of chronically ill parents? I feel like no one understands and I am alone on this journey. I don't want my Dad to be suffering, I also don't want to be suffering. Any input is valuable to me. Thank you, community.
Also, are you sure you're not aiding and abetting him yourself? How long does a person have to "refuse to eat" to be considered intentionally self-harming, would you say? I wonder if there's an element of co-dependency here, with his overdependence on you equalled by your disproportionate fear of "failing" him (learned long ago).
Your dad is NOT your responsibility, and while I'm sure you do love him, he has to learn to that you have a life of your own, and can't continue to drop everything at the drop of a hat to tend to him.
He needs to set up some in home care with his money, if he really needs someone there on a consistent basis, and let you live your life. It's not healthy for you for him to be so dependent on you. Yes you need some healthy boundaries. And if he threatens to not eat or just doesn't eat as a way to get you to react, then you need to learn how not to react, as if he gets hungry enough he will eventually eat. He obviously knows how to push your buttons and it's now up to you to break those patterns for your mental health's sake.
There are local caregiver support groups out there. You need to "Google" to see if you have one in your area, as they can be quite helpful, and will help you feel not so alone.
This forum can also help you with that, as everyone on here either has been or is a caregiver for a loved one, so you can come and vent here any time you need to.
But most importantly you need to stand up for yourself and start breaking the chains of your family dysfunction that has gone on for years. A good local therapist should be able to help you with that as well.
You can do it. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't continue to let your dad drag you down with him. You deserve better. God bless you.