My 77 year old mother has Dementia. Diagnosed in November 2012. She is on Aricept since January 2013. Tonight she called the police because her drivers license expired in October when she was in the hospital of an accuse UTI, a TMA and signs of altered mental status. She says we are preventing her from driving. Her Doctors have all recommend she can no longer drive due to her Dementia. She refuses to try to understand that she is sick. She is also a fall risk due to her bad knees and requires 24 hours care. She refuse any outside help. I had to move back home after being gone (living over 1000 miles away)for 30 years to be her primary care giver. My brother lives in the same city (but has his own apartment) as my mother, but had been in denial about her mental decline until asked by her neurologist in December. I am 47 years old. Single. No kids.
The police came and said it was a civil manor. They understood she's sick but there was nothing they could do. She of course will refuse a power of attorney and is asking us to move out of her house. HELP!
Her driving license expired? Great! Let's hope she doesn't figure out what she could do to renew it, and can't find anyone willing to help her. Now she at least knows that the police can't do anything for her in that regard.
Now she wants you to move out of her house. (Who is the "us" she wants out? Who else is living with her?) If it is her house and if she has not been declared incompetent, she probably has the right to insist that you leave. Certainly that would not be in her best interests, but competent adults are allowed to make their own decisions, even very bad decisions.Do you have anything from the doctors in writing, regarding not driving? Would they be willing to put in writing that due to dementia she does not have the judgment to make her own financial and/or health decisions, in their opinion?
You feel that she cannot safely live on her own. You felt so strongly about that, in fact, that you moved 1000 miles to come help her. But she does not have to accept your help, or any help, unless she is declared incompetent.
This must feel really frustrating to you! You are only trying to help, and she is resisting you. And it is probably not much consolation that this is an extremely common situation! Often all that can done is to wait for some crisis, such as a fall that puts her in the hospital, to change the status quo. Sad.
Is there a chance that this will all blow over if you patiently just wait long enough? That she'll forget about wanting you to leave? "I'm looking for an apartment, Mom. What do you want me to fix for dinner tonight?" What about staying at your brother's apartment for a few days. Do you think that actually being on her own might convince her that she likes having a little help? (Maybe not ... she is not in her right mind ... but might it be worth a try?)
If you do have to leave, I THINK I would talk to Adult Protection Services. (I have not done that. I hope others who have first-hand experience with APS will weigh in on this.) You would state that you consider your mother a vulnerable adult, explain her medical conditions (including dementia), and that you very much do not want her left to fend for herself. You are not abandoning her voluntarily but she is insisting on you leaving. Is there anything they can do to ensure her safety?
My heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult situation. If you can possibly let this blow over or help Mom to change her mind, that would be the easiest solution.
Keep us informed.
Mom is not going to change (except for the dementia symptoms to increase). The changes have to come in how you and your brother handle things.
Even though Mom is not responsible for her attacks on you -- again, she is not in her right mind -- no one has to put up with abuse, regardless of its cause. Make sure her doctors know about this behavior. Protect yourself. Work with your brother on this ... for heaven sake he should not stand around and let abuse occur!
My heart goes out to all three of you. Please continue to inform us of how this is progressing for you.
You said license is expired. Write the DMV and explain her condition, and provide dr contact info; tell them you do not want them to renew her license. There is a form on the DMV website that you can download and fill out. They won't reveal a relative so she won't know it is you. Tell her she can't drive on expired license, then take her and let DMV tell her they can't renew the license without her doctor's signature. That should stop this.
Sell the car so she doesn't have to look at and be reminded its one more loss of independence.
You will have to come to grips with her wanting you to move out. Tell her you are looking for a place, and cut back on some of the things you do for her unless she asks for your help. You may have to move out if that is her decision. Yes, elders make bad choices -- my mom is one and I've finally "cried uncle" and am leaving her alone. I call her 1x per wk and have mourned the loss of "my mom" or wishing her to thank me, be grateful for all I've done or apologize. Its been a long road; but I have decided to respect her wishes to live as she pleases. I still worry about her falling, starving or getting food poisoning, but I can't control and legally don't have the rights and I refuse guardianship battle. I'm waiting for the next event where she ends up in the hospital and case manager or social worker makes her move into a care facility.
Good luck to you. Don't fight with your brother, work together on a united front to protect your mother and others (with the driving danger). In the end, you need each other.
That problem of decompensating and getting combative with any infection or illness was what finally made me realize there was absolutely no way Mom could go back home and live on her own as she so deeply wished, even with a LifeLine and the world's best neighbors.
Excellent responses from the Best on this site.
Please tell brother to forget about enabling her. He needs to get on same page with you guys, bless his heart. Always someone holding out for hope in the family. Got to get real and in the present to deal with Mom:) xo
As long as DMV, Dr. and your family are in sync, just agree to take a proactive approach for the well-being of everyone, especially Mom. It's an opportunity to make some peace and progress in your family. All the Best to you. Help and/or venting is always awaiting you here, Dear One. Take care, xo
I went out to do an errand, came back 1 1/2 hr later. She didn't know where I was, so called the cops to report me as a missing person. I was home again when the police arrived. She couldn't remember why she had called them, so said I was stealing from her and she wanted me to leave. He asked "what did she steal?" The answer was "stuff". She couldn't name anything. The cop was great. He seemed to see what the story was, and worded things to give me hints. I got his his hint , and said to my aunt. "ok, I'll leave, but can I stay tonight?" She said ok. The cop looked pleased and left. By morning, she had forgotten all about this. It had blown over.
Oh, and BTW, the policeman also contacted the town's Dept of Elder Affairs. They dropped over to see what support services they could offer.
Wish I could have told you my story before this happened to you!
You have my prayers and good wishes.
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