I struggle with this so much. I've mentioned FIL is a raging narcissist, so he is a perfect target for scammers who stroke his ego and lead him to believe he is going to get something for nothing. This is a man who will take a Sharpie and mark out the UPC on a box of Tylenol because he thinks it can be traced back to him.
So why for the love of all that is holy does he not feel the same way about sharing all of his information with someone who calls him?
SIL has caught him multiple times in the midst of sharing personal information on the phone. The other day he had a call from one service provider that he didn't have, so he called the one he does to ask them why the one he doesn't have called. Even yesterday he got a call from someone asking him to stand up for veterans, SIL walked in just as he was giving the last of his social...and from those people he said he got transferred to the VA. He will give ANYONE who asks information whatever they want if they are offering "free money" or "free stuff". When we ask him about it, he thinks he's special and he is the only one they contacted.
DH and I have told SIL we may have to consider removing the house phone from his room and taking his cell phone away and exchanging for a non -smart phone for emergencies only and cutting his internet access (he gave someone on the phone access to his computer one day before SIL caught him).
He is still considered "competent" but we all feel strongly that he really needs cognitive testing to see if he has dementia. He's always been a fairly smart man, he is very protective of his personal information in physical media but put him on the phone or computer and he's scary.
We have talked to him about it a million times. We have FIXED several issues that were direct results of this behavior.
I flat out told him the last time that if it happened again he was on his own. That he made his choice in spite of us begging him not to. And that none of us were fixing things for him anymore.
Can anyone tell me what it takes to get a doctor to request an assessment? Are they obvious so that he would know he is being assessed?
See if you can find him a geriatric primary who would be more adept at treating (and testing) seniors. Is it obvious, not necessarily. The doctors who routinely do this are pretty conversational and attentive so your FIL would probably enjoy showing off at first. DH aunt doesn’t like to be tested as she knows she can’t remember and it makes her sad but she has never refused to start. She has quit part way through.
My experience with this was very mild in comparison. I do see the occasional piece of mail indicating DH Aunt has pledged donations to one organization or another over the phone. Since I handle all the mail (locked mailbox) those items are trashed as received. She bought a vacumn cleaner once from a door to door guy.
When I told her I wished she wouldn’t do things like that, she said “me, too”. Giving up the checkbook took care of impulse buys after that.
Having someone who is oppositional is difficult regardless of the level of cognition. You already know he has dementia and that knowledge ( while helpful) won’t stop him from engaging with scammers.
His activities will have to be closely monitored until he gets through this stage.
Don’t expect him to remember that the family won’t help him clean up his mess or even that he has been scammed.
In most cases, you can have a person who sees the doctor evaluated. Most doctors will listen to the family members. I prepared a memo that listed ALL the things that were of concern, so the doctor knew before evaluation. AND, I stood behind my LO to shake my head no, when LO gave incorrect answers. They'll have him draw things on paper and ask him to count, etc. You might be surprised, but, if he's not competent to manage his own affairs, he is at risk.
Is there any reason, you can't just provide him with a safer phone and limit who he may call? It may be that he must be supervised at all times to prevent him from divulging information.
Just before my LO was diagnosed with dementia, she told several check out clerks at Walmart how much money she had in her checking account, IN FRONT of other customers. I think she was bragging. It was very dangerous. My pleas for her to stop didn't help. THEN, she let in TWO complete strangers and gave them all of her information, ss#, dob, checking account#, etc. She called me immediately and I was able to determine that they were a legit home security company, but, still....she had signed a contract for installation and services, not knowing the terms. She told me she was sorry and that she didn't know why she did it....so, it was not safe for her to live alone anymore.
You must lock down his sensitive financial info: take original signed PoA paperwork to bank (and whatever dementia proof they require) and get authorized to manage his accounts. Remove his checkbook from his reach and any blanks; removed credit/debit cards; take pic of his driver's license; make sure he doesn't carry his SS card (like many of his generation); have his mail redirected to a PO or to your home; credit alert services may be worthwhile. You don't have to tell him you're doing this...he won't like it and will resist but it needs to happen. If he has a mobile phone and computer, access needs to be restricted or prohibited. These are the gateways to financial scammers, cat phishers, etc. Make sure you know what his passwords are and that he can't change them. The sooner you do this the better. Let us know how it goes. I wish you much success!
"He is still considered "competent"..." - by who?
It isn't always forgetfulness that comes first. Sometimes lack of judgement can show up first - sounds like he might be there. The first clue I had was the repetition due to short term memory loss, but she lived alone, so we weren't privy to all the goings-on.
Hopefully someone has already had all the legal documentation and assignment of POA. If not, he might still be considered competent enough to do this, but it sounds like his cognitive issues may prevent him from agreeing to doing any of that.
I will say the doc we changed to when I got fed up with mine/mom's DID do the testing, but for mom it was a joke really - she was already living in MC at that point. Between dementia and hearing loss, they couldn't even complete the test. I will say that the nurse from the aide company we had hired to try to keep her in her condo for as long as possible did an excellent test IN her condo, with us present. She was only early stage at that point, but the nurse made recommendations, such as using a locked timed med dispenser. Mom probably was more comfortable doing it this way, since she was home and we were there. At a doc office, anything said that implied any problem, she would become irate and want OUT.
It sounds like he is living with someone, not alone. If he is and there is no POA set up, it would probably be best to curtail or exclude his access to computers and phones, and meanwhile look into whether you could set up POAs.
The Do Not Call list won't really help in this instance. Only legit entities would honor that - the scam calls will continue (they seemed to die down some, but have been ramping up lately, including getting calls from Voicemail, which means some butt-face out there is using MY number to call my phone!) The good news is the preventatives seem to be eliminating the voice messages (I do NOT answer any number not programmed in my phone - if it's legit and important, they will leave a msg!)
I am not familiar with the various tools out there to nanny-proof phones and computers, but if you want him to have some access, you need to explore them. If he's living with one of you, the mail should be checked and only innocent mail should be given to him.
Another way around not having POA is to sign up as rep payee for SS. At the very least you would control that (he would have NO access to it). If he has other income or assets, you will need POA, assessment and/or guardianship.
Use naela.org and zip code to find local EC attys. Many will give a limited first consult for free. Draw up all questions for each atty you contact, including a best/worst case cost estimate for all avenues - his assets should be used for this, but until everything is in place, you won't have access. Questions should include how to reimburse yourself if you have to cover the initial charges, or can they be deferred. A GOOD EC atty can interview him and determine if he is still capable of signing documents. If they say no, rep payee and/or guardianship would be the only options.
Meanwhile, do what you can at home to prevent him accessing unsafe sites/emails and answering phone calls! Unless he is very savvy and can see through it, you could do things like unplug the phone and computer (or turn off the wifi on it) when he's not looking, and then take them away to be "fixed." He asks about them, they are still in the repair shop! Soon....
As for an assessment, it depends on how sharp your person is. For instance with my mom who does have dementia, she was pretty damn slick so that even our good MD was clueless until I woke up and smelled the coffee. A trip to see my sister and the new environment made me step back and see we had a problem. MD said next time she had an appt, I should stay home, and he did the mini mental just like that. A few basic questions and she scored poorly. Now it's possible, you have to realize, that your loved one may be perfectly competent to make these dreadful decisions. BUT at least your concerns will have been documented. In our case we went on to see a neurologist who specialized in dementia/alzheimer's...mom was somewhat uncooperative when they had her in another room attempting to screen for depression. With all of us together the MD was a master, it was just a very casual flow of conversation and discussion that included mom and he had it figured out between that and some paper questions we had answered prior.
If you think he'd be uncooperative, then I would contact his MD and share your concerns, give him the heads up and ask to have something like the mini-exam done when next he is in.
Wishing you luck...
You'd also be well advised to contact an elder law attorney to make sure things are in order if and when you do need to step in.
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