Prior to my mom being in the NH she lived alone. She was managing but all of a sudden she started calling me a lot at work asking me names of places and phone numbers...having trouble remembering. She didn’t pay her bills for a month so I took things over online. Did what I could do from afar. When I came to visit, I made sure I had doctor appointments lined up. They put her on antibiotics for a UTI but she also wasn’t taking her medications for thyroid, diabetes & CHF. Her endo was not surprised by memory issues as well as her increased swelling in legs and the more health problems rearing their ugly heads. I got mom some home care as I live in another country. She was all of a sudden having trouble standing up and walking. The home PT came in and found her on the floor. At the hospital they discovered she had a brain bleed from the fall. After all of this...now mom doesn’t seem to remember who is passed on and asks about her mom. She forgets I don’t work or live in NJ anymore. A friend called her and when I mentioned it must have been nice to talk to said friend, she has no recollection that they spoke yesterday. The friend even said she sounded good up until she said my dad hasn’t visited her yet (he passed in 2016). Some days she’s more orientated and other days it’s a battle to get her to understand why she can’t come home. She does not seem to recognize she can’t stand up on her own, or walk. She doesn’t try but in her head thinks she can go home and do all these things to take care of herself. The psychologist and doctors have said she is not capable of making decisions on her own anymore. But no one has told Me if this is dementia that has set in or if this is from the brain injury. I want to read up on dementia so I know how to handle my mom as she was never really a truly nice person before but with dementia if that’s what it is I have to handle things differently. She doesn’t remember disowning me 5 times and telling me not to call or visit and when I told her this, she asked me if I was still mad at her. It broke my heart because maybe she doesn’t mean it now but it is so hard for me not to get mad and angry when it’s happening like when we use to fight prior to all of this. Should I treat this as dementia anyway?
Then came a second serious fall, also with head injury, back to the hospital, another brain bleed, then to rehab, and then into long-term-care. Mom forgot how to walk or even stand. It was like all the sudden she was in late stages of dementia, which surprised me as she was pretty sharp for a person of 97.
Thank goodness I learned a lot on this website here about dementia so I just followed the recommendations. And I also taught my Dad how to relate to Mom whenever he visited her, just agree with everything she says, do not try to correct her. Surprisingly Dad did quite well. Except for times when Mom said she walked for 20 minutes [which never happened] but Dad believed Mom and wanted to bring her home.... [sigh]
To learn more about dementia, scroll down to the bottom of this page to the blue section. Click on ALZHIMER'S CARE.... there are excellent articles about both dementia/alzhimer's. Plus you can ask us any questions here on the forums.
Improvement would happen but it hasn’t. As I said...good days & bad days. She can still walk but needs a walker and moderate assistance because of her swollen legs and balance issues. The doc said she’d manipulate the situation and kick care givers out if I ever brought her home so there are no options but to keep her in the NH to receive the medical care she needs and the safety precautions. Did I mention she’s lost the reflect to swallow properly so she’s on a modified diet and requires monitored eating of minced food.
it’s only me in her life so i take the brunt of her anger. I’m trying to agree with her but her biggest thing is “I feel fine, I want to go home” and I’ve explained to her the doctors won’t let her and she asks why. It’s like she can’t see all the issues wrong with her or that she’s unsafe. Then She pulls the you “you don’t love me, after all this time this is what you think me”. It’s so hard because I’m trying to keep her safe. My
Grandmother had Alzheimer’s according to my mom, I never met my grandmother. So, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised my mother having it at 74, I just feel the brain injury increased this dementia quickly!
Is there a geriatric psychiatrist who visits the N H? It sounds as though your mom is somewhat anxious and agitated. Meds sometimes help.
" I'll check into that, mom" became our response to lots of stuff.
I know she’s agitated she is there and wants to go home and she gets so angry and nasty when she doesn’t get her way which isnt that different from how she use to be but now there is no sense of filter.
I just keep wondering if this is progressive from dementia or from the brain injury. I’m not sure I’ll ever really know.
I’m trying to learn the fibbing trick. I feel bad lying to her making her think she could come home or whatever & i have to get use to the fact she won’t remember anyway.
You might have her see a neurologist/psychiatrist instead of a psychologist. A psychiatrist is a MD that specializes in mental health while a psychologist is not a MD. In the case of dementia or brain injury I think a psychiatrist is more apropos than a psychologist.
I agree that dementia is usually a slower onset that’s why i mentioned the forgetfulness that started before the fall but how much worse it got after the fall.
While I was writing this, I looked up the name the doctor gave me and the other doctor is a psychiatrist not a psychologist, sorry my fault for the misinformation. I just want to make sure I advocate for all that she needs. I think it is her mental status that distresses me the most even with all of her deteriorating health issues.
No one prepares for this but I'll be honest my dad was in a NH but mentally fully functional, and I thought with my moms health problems those would take her before dementia started to arise. She's the oldest at 74 that any of her immediate family has made it. Thank you all again for your support ad help
I think mom has some dementia, she’s 86, but each fall seems to set her back a little more. She gets weaker and more confused. I’m working with the facility to try and cut down on the extensive ER visits, transfers to other hospitals for yet more tests etc. after each fall. They have their protocols, I understand that, but so much of this is not necessary, hauling a poor beat up old lady all over the state.
I was told by the doctors at the hospital and at the NH my mom cannot afford another fall like the one she had, that she got lucky but probably wouldn't survive another one. The other scary part is her difficulty swallowing and the risk of her choking to death. I've had to come to terms with that she is right where she needs to be as awful as she says it is, at least I get to hear her say it. I am just in awe of the fact that she cannot understand how her body is failing and the disconnect with her brain and understanding to her physical disabilities. I feel for you Windy. It has been the hardest thing I've had to do and act as the parent to do what is best for her. I also hate having to dabble in her funds to eventually get her on Medicaid. I just don't have the heart to tell her, it would only upset her more.
I'm just still getting use to having to manage my mom's new mental status. I honestly think that is the hardest emotional thing for me right now. I wish she could just understand.
I haven’t spoken to my mom for several days. Just no point, same conversation over and over. It’s better for both of us if we just detach for now. I tell her nothing about finances. She thinks her insurance covers everything. That’ll work.
Oddly however, she has never mentioned not having a phone. At home it was a huge problem. Crap scam charity calls all day and they got caught in the the GRANDKIDS IN JAIL scam. I caught it just in time. They had gone to the bank and withdrawn $1500 but couldn’t figure how to get money orders the scammer was demanding. The teller and manager at the bank tried to dissuade them but they wouldn’t listen. I found the cash in a drawer while cleaning out the house. It would have been just a matter of time before they’d have been wiped out.
My whole ordeal with my mom began November 27th. So as of tomorrow she will be long term care. I’m in the process of liquidating assets so I can pay the lawyer to help me get her on Medicaid, pay her funeral, and pay the nursing home so she will then qualify for Medicaid. I hope when this is all said and done, eventually i will empty her house although I’ll lose the house to foreclosure but then all will be said and done and I can rest easy knowing she’s safe. It’s a hard road
And you can rest easy now. Your mom is safe and cared for. Deal,with the financial/house stuff or delay it if possible and take a breath.
You mom may be more connected however, but you still may want to pull back a bit if possible. She’ll be fine.
Erica -your mum is where she needs to be. Her brain is broken and may not have been wired normally to begin with. It is good to learn about the characteristics of the appropriate dementia so you know what is coming and how to deal with what is right now,
However, the managing of your day, your tomorrow and your week is also very important. You need to protect yourself from the stress too, as you can't fix your mother's problems. You don't have to take all the calls. You can let some go to voicemail. I found my mother would forget that she had called, even though at the time she called, it was very important to her. My heart goes out to you (((((hugs)))))
I keep saying one day at a time and take deep breathes. I think this forum and you all have a tremendous help as well.
And then, on a Saturday morning out to breakfast, he had a complete meltdown. Within weeks he was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. Once again his brain was broken. His symptoms were severe. He seemed to have dived right in to the advanced stage. But within 6 months his symptoms moderated considerably. Dementia never gets better so I asked his doctor (a researcher) what was going on. The theory was that the original symptoms were not all from the dementia -- some were from inflammation as his brain fought off the foreign bodies. When the inflammation cleared up he then was left with the early symptoms of LBD. His symptoms stayed relatively mild for 10 years.
So, once his brain was broken because of a fall; it mostly healed. Once his brain was broken because of the presence of protein bodies associated with dementia. In each case there were other things going on in the brain -- swelling, inflammation.
Getting medical explanations was very interesting! But, EricaMagoo83, I had to cope with the symptoms that presented themselves, regardless of their cause. Paranoia is paranoia, whether from a fall, an inflammation, or Lewy Bodies. Difficulty in swallowing needs to be evaluated and planned for, regardless of what the underlying cause is. Belligerence can be dangerous whether it stems from a brain bleed or dementia.
Keep up your research into the cause. It makes life a tiny bit more predictable if you know. (Realize that you may not know unless an autopsy is performed.) And ways to deal with forgetfulness (as one example) aren't really different no matter what caused that particular "break" in the brain.
Stay in touch here. We want to go beside you on this journey.
We were lucky that neighbors were around when my husband fell in the garage. And lucky again that his injury healed. He had another 9 years of a pretty normal life. But what if he hadn't healed? Would living that befuddled life, in a care center, have been "lucky"?
After he developed dementia, he asked me to kill him. He made sure all his paperwork stated no heroic measures of any kind. He even had his defibrillator removed. He thought his brothers who each died of a heart attack at a young age were lucky. Why did he have to suffer dementia? But after the worst of the symptoms diminished he did have some quality to his life, things he looked forward to, things he enjoyed, people who loved him. I felt we were lucky for that.
You have no control over the "luck" of situation. All you can do is advocate for
care in your mother's best interest. At some point, that may or may not be attempting to extend her life.
The NH will do their utmost to prevent Mom from falling, and to minimize the consequences if she does fall. They are good at that. But they have no control over "luck." A person prone to falling can fall at home, alone in her room, or with 2 people next to her.
Let's hope your mom's view of life's value improves when she gets into the long-term section of the facility.