I'm a long-distance caregiver for a relative with fairly advanced dementia (not a parent). She has a lovely gentleman friend whose presence in her life has allowed her to live independently longer than she might otherwise. They announced yesterday that they are getting married. His children and I want them to be happy, but we all have deep concerns about this. He has no money and she has very little; we both worry that by marrying, she will become financially responsible for him and drain her own resources, which she'll need later for her own care. We also worry that because of her dementia (and she's fairly far into it -- she can no longer handle her own finances or daily activities and is having delusional episodes) she's not able to make an informed decision about this. I can explain the financial issues to her, but I don't think she'd understand them. Her gentleman friend says they plan to talk to an attorney and put a prenup in place so that their finances won't mingle, but I don't think Medicaid -- which is where they're both heading -- will care about a prenup; once they're married, I suspect her modest nest egg, which is enough for her, but not for two, will have to go to support them both. What can or should I do, if anything? Again, his children and I want them to be happy, but there are so many things about this that worry us. She's 76 and he's 84, and his doctor tells me he also has the beginnings of dementia, though he is not nearly as far along as she is. All input appreciated!
Even without needing NH or Medicaid, if someone else is not in charge of the "egg", it could disappear in short order (not saying anyone will take it, just two people, one with fairly advanced dementia, the other possibly heading down that road?)
Marriage? Would it even be legal as she is likely not considered competent to enter into any kind of contract? What if they did marry, but she (or he) became one of those with delusions and suspicions and s/he wants out? How would s/he get a divorce?
I would, if you are POA, ensure ALL her interests are protected first and then discuss a faux-ceremony with the man's family. This could be done with all the trimmings needed, excluding the license/actual valid marriage. I am sure someone can play minister/priest and you could have a nice ceremony somewhere with a nice after party/reception.
They can still experience the public affirmation and celebration of their love without entering into the legal contract that is only a part of what a marriage is about.
Spare their finances, spare their families.
Good Luck to you and them.
CS rules are imo not at all simple or straightforward as Medicaid does not expect the CS to be impoverished but the now in the NH spouse must be impoverished. How to segregate $ and how to get income diverted from NH spouse to CS spouse is not imo a DIY. CS/NH couples need an elder law atty to review their $ beforehand ever applying for Medicaid in general and really need to do this if it’s a CS/NH situation.
Could they live together in a single apt in the building they are currently in IF they are an unmarried couple?
Could this be a requirement of the building so this requirement perhaps driving the “we’re getting wedded” plan? Try to check on this. Some building need residents to be family to occupy an apt as they don’t allow sub-leasing. Which 1 of them would be if not married or files as domestic partners.
If thetes dementia, do they truly understand the legality that being married places?
The idea of a joining ceremony is a good one. The relationship should be supported. Similar happened with my mom and an old high school boyfriend. They married on my mom's 80th birthday. Mom at that time was in early to middle stages of Alzheimer's and probably not competent to understand the financial implications of getting married. And in the long run, it didn't matter. He passed on their 10th anniversary, coincidentally or not, the day that mom's SS would have increased based on his SS. But, mom's pension was too high to receive an increased SS amount
He still had cash because of a very good federal pension so cost of his care did not become mom's responsibility. They had a prenuptial to protect both their assets from the cost of care for either one of them. But, they did not realize that is would not have made one bit of difference in the whole scheme of things.
I’ve known situations In which a clergy person will waive the legalities and perform a ceremony without licensing.
The question of being competent to enter into a contract becomes moot if the ceremony is spiritual/moral rather than specifically according to the books.
She has been able to “live longer” because of this man’s love and support, and it sounds as though he has received comparable benefits from being with her.
Both families have a preliminary sense of what may happen if they’re together, and what may happen if they’re not.
97yroldmom and I totally agree.
They're very lucky they have you all, family members, banding together to ferret out what the reality is--either negative or positive. It could turn out there's a benefit involving the technical goo or, if there's a negative, perhaps that negative isn't so big that it would stop them from getting married.
I hope all turns out well for them and they can marry. Finding happiness at late stages in life is rare. I wish you all the best in finding out the best course.
Does she get a pension from a former husband? That could stop if she marrys again. Is her SS based on a former husband, that could be reduced getting married again?
You say they both will end up on Medicaid and your worried about the bride running out of money if she married.
I would contact a certified elder care attorney who is well versed in Medicaid in the states they live in. Who knows a combined income might be better for both and if they enjoy their last years together, why not allow them that without interference? Spend at least as much time trying to make it a success as you spend trying to prevent it. All any of us have is today. To have a companion is priceless.
The “consenting adults” in this case yourself and the grooms children should both speak to this attorney to work out the details. Perhaps if they agree to move into an ALF that also offers MC for when the time comes would be a consideration? If my loved one was able to live more or less independently longer because she had a built in companion, I’d consider that worth a great deal of her savings.
Check with her doctor is she would be considered competent to enter into a contract. A marriage is a contract.