Dementia proceeding, but she refuses to see any kind of doctor. Should I try to force her?
Yesterday, my 76 y/o mother saw a stack of business cards for the listing agent in a house I've just purchased. The listing agent is a young mom in her 30s.
My mom picked up a card and asked me, "Why are there little pieces of paper with somebody's picture on them in your new house?"
I said they belonged to the agent and that she was coming later today to get all her stuff.
"But who is this person?" my mom asked. "Is it you?"
I said no and laughed because she's not always this loopy. I thought she was joking...until she asked me how to pronounce the agent's name and if she still lived there.
My mother goes to a super-quack naturopath and buys trillions of dollars (not quite) worth of bogus chiropractic treatments, vitamins and supplements, and whose hypochondria has led to her self-diagnose many rare diseases all my life (all without a single medical test!)
Now she is refusing to see a mental health doctor to test her for cognitive impairment, but it is evident to me and my beleaguered step dad who takes care of her. I can see the strain in him, poor guy.
**IS there anything doctors can do to stop the process of dementia? If it is Alzheimer's, is there anything they can do to cure/slow that? Is there any reason to pitch a battle to get her diagnosed?**
Her father spent the last 8 years in a mental care home for seniors because he was completely gone. I hope this isn't my genetic fate too, but for now, I'd just like to help my difficult, opinionated, stubborn mom. Should I try to force her to see a real doctor? She often complains that WE all have mental problems but that she's fine.
3 Answers
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I don't think getting a diagnosis changes much. What does matter is whether or not mom can care for herself. Can she dress, bathe, toilet herself? Can she plan and cook a meal, get herself to appointments and manage her money?
In terms of your day to day interactions, have you tried simplifying your language? Your story about the business cards reminded me of something my mom used to do. Everytime she got in my car, she would see the little slips of paper that you get from the parking kiosk in MYC which you leave in your windshield to indicate you've paid your fee. My mother would "I hope those aren't parking tickets!". I would explain what they were and she would repeat "I hope they're not parking tickets!" I had to work out a VERY simple explanation and even then, she asked this question every time she got in my car!
It is very important that your mom has assigned someone younger than herself as PoA (so not her husband if he is in decline and the same age). If you can make this come about, it is critical in allowing you to legally help manage your mom's care and make decisions in her own best interests. Without it, you will be powerless until there's a crisis and then that's yet another topic all its own.
Your mom should assign a PoA BEFORE she has a diagnosis of cognitive impairment. This is because the PoA can then be contested that the assignee was not of sound mind when it was created and therefore invalid. If you have any siblings, everyone needs to be informed of what's going on so there's transparency and possible helpers on board. If you're an only, that's yet another topic all its own.
Are you local to your mom? What condition is your step-dad in? Do either of them have their legal paperwork created so that family can help them?
FYI some forms of dementia are hereditary BUT you must actually inherit the gene, which is not guaranteed. Please educate yourself about dementia and aging/decline so that you will have the knowledge base and skills necessary to engage with them in less stressful ways for all involved. See Teepa Snow videos on YouTube or read a book on it. I wish you all the best as you work to help your mom and step-dad, and peace in your heart.
Yes, there is certainly a reason to get her diagnosed. You don't know what you're dealing with until you get a diagnosis. Once you have a reason for dementia, you can become educated on its cause and get an idea of what to expect. You can also prepare certain documents such as financial POA, healthcare POA, a living will, etc., if they're not already done.
Having her see a PCP, not the "nature" dr. she goes to, may be easier than asking her to see a mental health dr. Good luck.