My 84-year-old dad was always sloppy, but now that my mother has Alzheimer's his bedroom is a nightmare. There are piles of dirty clothes mixed with office papers everywhere. I can see visible dust on the floor. He was always sloppy, but this is a new level. It drives me crazy and I wonder if it is contributing to his depression, but he refuses to clean it up. Should I just clean it up myself behind his back or hire a maid and risk angering him? I don't want to over-rule, be intrusive or counterproductive, but it's really not normal. Even if he says it's not bothering him -- and that may be true -- it bothers me having to see it and we've got a lot of issues I have to deal with as sole caregiver to both my parents. Thank you for your help in how to deal with this. (P.S. He is on anti-depression meds for a few weeks, but has absolutely refused psychotherapy. Please don't tell me to get him to a doctor, which won't happen. I need concrete strategies that I can implement without having to move a mountain.)
Based on my experience, clean it up yourself, but not all at once. His role now is overwhelming him and he needs a helping hand. I have walked into my MIL's apt and swept up unwrapped foods and garbage . . . just not when she is watching. My husband has swept the entire top of her desk into a bag (while she observed) and promised to sort and return it. He did bring back the essentials categorized and filed and labeled. The vast remainder got tossed. Between us, we have removed empty pill containers, expired food, refrigerated science experiments, etc. There are 4 other siblings and none of them remove a paper clip. She is drowning in stuff --- clothes that are stained, ripped and no longer fit, gifts and gift wrapping, books and magazines. I feel it is a disservice to leave things unaddressed. BUT it's small steps. One load of laundry at a time.
Now that it is tax season, can you help get the paperwork together and be ready to toss unneeded items? I never visit MIL w/o a few reusable grocery bags. I leave them near the door and toss things in when I can. I revisit everything when I get home so I don't destroy needed paperwork. If you saw my MIL's apt you'd think no one had ever taken anything out. We have filled the back of our SUV 5 or 6 times with her things. Meanwhile, the 4 remaining sibs have tea and cookies when they visit and walk out the door leaving the garbage for us to handle. OOps, sorry for the rant : - ). Hope this helps.
DE-accessorize. Pack with paper or bubblepack those items determined to be "valuable" and toss the rest or have a garage sale.
His papers are a different story and I would not touch them at all.
Clean out the fridge and pantry once a month, check for expired foods.
Throw out all old underwear and just buy new ones. What a difference!
All newspapers and magazines before last month: GONE.
Oh, just thinking about it reminds me of cleaning up the house my Mother shared with her last husband. They both lived through the Depression and saved every thing you can imagine. CRAZY!!! Thankfully, early on I discovered "Stuff" does not make one happy, it distracts from an organized environment.
Lastly: do not make a big deal of any of this. Be covert. It is thrilling. heehee hugs
Most important is to provide a safe, clean environment, with fresh food and clean clothes, right? Sometimes you can get ripped off by hiring a cleaning company--they flit around with a feather duster and that's about it. Also, both your parents may not trust a stranger in the house, as dementia often displays paranoia.
I remember my Mother's husband getting furious that I was cleaning the dog hair from behind the refrigerator one day--and that dog had been dead for 10 years!!!
But I did it anyway. Some of them do not grow old gracefully, as we shall.
I can't imagine you dad, at his age, even considering therapy. He's lived his life a certain way and it's a little late to ask for a reversal. It is what is it is, as the saying goes.
Just clean up a little at a time and understand that some people have never put a high value on keeping things clean or organized. It's their life, not yours. That's not a judgement, just a reminder that at least you don't have to live that way. Best wishes.
Dealing with D/A is so complicated in itself, any simplifying would seem to create a more calm environment.
I did all the house cleaning from the time I was 7, so I have had a lot of practice. Once at age 9 I tried to remove a few accessories in the living room ( now, I am a designer by trade), and she just about blew a gasket. After all, I was doing all the dusting and vacuuming. haha I survived and am a minimalist.
I have always been extremely good at organizing things, but I am not a meticulous housekeeper. And I'm OK with more clutter than most people can tolerate. They say "cluttered desk, cluttered mind." I say, "Empty desk, empty mind." :)
But, too much clutter is too much, even for us casual housekeepers. My office is a slag heap of papers, books, CDs, unopened mail, packing boxes, and I-don't-know-what-all. It is this way because I work full time and take care of my demented husband full time and have health issues of my own and I just don't have time. And partly because I've been somewhat depressed and dealing with excessive daytime sleepiness. But it has gotten to the point where being in that room is depressing. I'm going to have to take a mental health day or two and shovel out the slag heap.
So, Villagegirl, if you were my daughter I'd be better off if you unobtrusively just got the bedroom straightened up. I don't think I'd want to be lectured about my standards or instructed about how I should do things, but, gee, if the papers suddenly were in nice neat stacks and later there were no dirty clothes on the floor, and the floor was gleaming, I think I'd feel a little calmer, even if I didn't know why.
Maybe Dad will come around to be able to keep his room a little better himself, but I'd definitely cut him some slack while he is reeling from his wife's diagnosis and the huge change it makes in his life.
Bless you for caring and trying to do the right thing.
(And I love the idea of having my old self come and take care of me! What a good way to think of it.)