How do I deal with my mom when she complains and fusses 99% of the time I talk to her on the phone?
My mom has a lot of health issues, depression being one of them, but it's getting almost unbearable, at times. She is mad at my dad over an incident that happened a few weeks ago and won't let it drop...she fusses about him, she fusses about me to me, she complains about all her health problems (she does have a lot), she complains about everything in her life, it seems. She is 81 and still seems to be thinking clearly, but she has gotten so negative in the last 2-3 years. There are no solutions to her problems, according to her, when I try to think of some. Nothing will work - she's tried that and she knows it won't work. I am about crazy from listening to her fuss for 30 minutes or more at a time. I am an only child, so I am the one who hears everything. I am also raising my own family, have a difficult husband, and a demanding job. I do call my mom every day, but she is dragging me down, emotionally, and I don't need this right now. She is on antidepressants, but they don't really help - have been changed many times. I think she needs to see a therapist/counselor, but she says she's done it before and it didn't help. What should I do, and how should I handle this?
I don't know if the complaining and symptom checklist is necessarily a symptom of depression. From what I've seen, it is a symptom of self absorption. Often I think how retirement can be bad for certain people because it gives them too much time to dwell on things.
If you're not in a mood to listen to her, it is okay not to call her. You do sound like you have enough on your plate already, so don't need an extra helping of stress every day.
If I don't call her often enough I get tearful whiney phone calls. Sometimes at 2 am, so I find its best to just call. A psychologist told me its fear of being abandoned and fear of dying alone. These fears are worse in the middle of the night.
Being around so much negativity really does wear you down. I'm not sure why I have to make my life miserable just because hers is.
My solution doesnt work that well. I'm anxious to see better ones. Good question.
Honestly, she doesn't want your help at all and she is wasting your time with all the negativity and whining. No doubt, she needs a hobby. Does she knit, read, garden, cook, or have any hobbies? If no hobbies, then invent one for her. Buy her puzzle books or teach her how to play cards with your Dad. Buy her some tulip bulbs and help her plant them in big planters or get some tomato plants or herbs and put them in planters......she can water them and watch them grow.
And when was the last time she asked how you were doing? If never, then she is just being a narcissitic pain in the you-know-what. These types focus on themselves and could care less about you. Maybe you can turn the tables on her and tell her you have been feeling bad too. Your stomach hurts, you've had a headache all day, your elbow hurts....lol. You get the idea. She won't be able to stand your whining and complaining too. And if all else fails, then limit those phone calls to once a week. She can call you if she has an emergency or 911. Enjoy your life and don't let her bring you down. You have enough on your plate dear. Good Luck!
have to do for her well-being. She says very little to me and vice-versa. This is not the ideal situation but it beats the hurt feelings of trying to communicate. I am going to find a daycare center for her. She doesn't want to go but I know that I cannot continue to stay in this house 24/7 as I have been doing (except to take her to the doctor and run to the store). Sometimes, you have to detach yourself mentally and emotionally. It's hard.
Hugs,
Anksana-Moon