My (75) Mother made the decision to have her own terminally ill daughter move in with her a year ago and to become her daughters main caregiver. Her family knew that Mom was not at all prepared to take on this role as she herself needs assistance --- but Mom refused to listen to us and felt we were ‘un-loving’ instead of ‘smart’ and moved daughter into spare room and her home became a 24/7 medical arena. Now a year has passed and Mom continues drowning and being more depressed than ever. I want my Mother to get her OWN help and address her OWN needs, but she gets mad at me every time I inquire about her addressing her own depression and perhaps get counseling or join a support group and getting her to a better place. I am ANGRY at my mother for not taking care of her own needs, and for not being ‘open’ to getting help. But do I have the right to be angry?
It's sad, but it appears this is what she wants to do, even though she's angry and depressed.
To answer your question. Of course you have a right to your feelings. If you are expressing anger at your mother it probably isn't the best use of your energy and doesn't seem to be working. Try to really understand where she is coming from. If she constantly wants to talk to you about her daughter, it might be because she values your input and wants your support. Try to move past anger for your own sake. It sounds like your ideas for your mom are right on, a support group, help with her depression, but she's not interested in hearing that. Try a different approach to give your mom a little support that you clearly see she needs.
Your mother was depressed before Daughter moved in, right? You say she needed help then. For the depression, or other issues? What were you and family doing at that time to help her? Could you continue that?
Helping someone with depression can be pretty tricky. Often depression robs us of taking initiative and it can be very helpful if someone nudges us into action. And often anger is just below the surface and will erupt if we perceive we are being forced to do what someone else wants us to do. Yikes! Striking a balance between helpful nudging and unwelcome pressure can be very difficult for well-meaning people. Hang in there!
You've seen some things that don't work -- that only elicit anger. Stop doing them. Perhaps later you can try again to suggest counseling, etc. in a different way. (By the way, I think that this long-term depression is going to need medication as well as counseling, talk groups, etc. This is a medical problem.) For now, let that approach lie dormant.
Do you have siblings or other relatives close by? What if two of you show up and you say, "I'm going to stay here and visit with Daughter. Janice wants your help selecting an outfit for a wedding, and then you can go to lunch. I probably won't do as well as you do with Daughter, but I think we can get by for a couple of hours." Getting breaks from the caregiving situation is important for Mom, but she may not have the initiative to arrange that on her own.
Instead of suggesting ways to improve her health (which she isn't ready to hear right now) how about focusing on ways to minimize some of the stress of caregiving? Suggest she hire a house cleaner. Offer to help her find one. Bring over meals -- homecooked or from the deli or a restaurant a couple times a week. Anything you can do to relieve some of the usual household tasks so she can focus energy on Daughter will be useful.
You are a very loving son. I hope you can find productive ways to express that love.