(This is actually an update to a previous question where I was advised to have him diagnosed)
Hi. I recently posted about a friend, let's call him Mike (70), I am convinced has dementia. His doctor yesterday told us he was 'fine'. But I have been in this situation for about 7 years now and I disagree. Just a few points: A.) the doctor did a 3-question mini-mental and Mike answered correctly (except the day) but with hesitation. B.) Mike lied about taking his BP tablets; he has taken 3 weeks' worth over the past 3 months (I checked before we left). C.) He lied about 'coping', saying he does all his own ironing, etc. In fact, he eats ONLY takeouts, does no washing and baths once every two months (he showered before going to the doctor, the first time in two months). D.) The fact is he has had to sell his house to pay debts relating to non-payment of utility bills. E.) Asked what he 'does', he replied reads, goes for walks, watches TV and keeps busy. In fact, he reads newspaper (not books), does no housework or cooking, walks 20 minutes a day, goes to pub every night, stares into space. His TV has been broken for the past two or three months. His laptop lies on the floor with a broken screen, so he uses the TV screen to get onto the internet where he accesses various webcam sites and porn.
I did an online test as a friend for dementia. He scored 15 (1 to 5 being 'normal').
So, am I wrong? Is this just laziness/ depression (there is a good possibility of this). Or is just still at a stage where he manages to hide it? Or is the doctor an idiot?
Regarding the doctor, to be fair, it may well be that Mike is actually functional and the doc thinks it's not at a point where anything needs to be done. Plus, the doctor must have noticed how dishevelled he looks.
My decision right now is to walk away. To take the odd meal and be a friend, e.g. invite him for a barbecue, ask if he needs stuff. But NOT to go and fetch his medication, only remind him when it needs renewing, not chase him up on it every few days. I have done what I can and now it is up to his family. (Sons who live up the road visit about every 3 months or so. Sisters pop in and rant at filthy house but think he is just lazy. I am the one to take him to doctor, for X-rays, to the shops, etc. NO MORE. He told the doctor he has no problem going to the mall. In fact, he hasn't been for a couple of months. Eats takeouts and buys coffee locally. Has no need for cleaning materials. Even admits his underpants are so old they fall down around his waist.).
I have spoken to pub friends and neighbours: 'Hell. Mike's been wearing the same shirt and jeans with a hole in the crotch for two weeks now.' 'I asked Mike what he and James had been talking about last night but he couldn't rememember he'd spoken to James.' 'His house smells awful.'
Thanks in advance. I guess I want confirmation that it's OK for someone else to pick up the reins now. We were an item for a while but are just friends now. I work from home and, just starting a new business, don't have time to be a carer. I also have an 81 year old mother who takes a bit of my time (she is GREAT and fit and fine but needs help, for e.g. taking car to mechanic, and I like to spend fun and quality time with her going out and having meals. Who knows how long she has.)
In the long and short run, sometimes misunderstandings and miscommunications and responses in posts may actually help because the parties then truly realize how the other person is thinking. That sometimes happens in posts when people literally let go and write whatever's on their minds, regardless how violent, but many other times it doesn't occur.
I think it's also easy for me to sit here at a computer and type responses but if I were in that situation, it might not be quite so easy for me to follow my own advice.
And when you really care for something, it's just not that easy to turn off the concern and consideration and close the emotional door on your way out.
I guess the best exchanges are those in which we all learn something.
So, yes, come back but just preface your post with an update and the fact that you're still attempting to resolve the situation, but now what you're facing is trying to balance the issues of moving through that murky area of how to address, balance, and reach your own goals...something like that.
Again, sorry if I offended you. It wasn't intended. I can tell you have a sincere commitment to your friend and this is a real challenge for you.
But you are right too. If I can't change in the weeks since my first post, I probably shouldn't be on this site. On other hand, if I can, I don't need the advice.
Thanks!
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
I have to take the first steps.
"Yes, my resolution to step back will happen over time. Last night he mentioned he has no petrol till pension gets paid so I have to lend him money"
You HAVE to lend him money? No, you don't. You're not family.
This is a choice, one which I expect you'll continue to make regarding involvement in other aspects of his life.
Honestly, don't you think it's better to admit that you WANT to be involved and avoid the dilemma of debating whether (not when) to withdraw? Just be honest with yourself; there's nothing wrong with that.
But a lot of people have invested some time to help you out. If you don't want to change, remember that the next time you decide to post and request advice.
I think it's more important to be honest with yourself than attempt something that isn't going to happen. Just make peace with what he is and do what you can and be content with that.
And, in response to another comment. Yes, my resolution to step back will happen over time. Last night he mentioned he has no petrol till pension gets paid so I have to lend him money. LOL!
Perhaps making lots of notes after a conversation? With dates on them. Maybe stuck on a board or something. Then he can remind himself and you won't feel like a nag.
Your comments have made me think of a few things. When Mike first had his 'hiccup', as he calls it, I DID do some research and the University of Cape Town DOES have a clinic. Free as they use the data for research and study. I think that Mike might be amenable to this. It's less 'threatening' than a doctor. It's kind of focusing on why he has this 'fuzzy' feeling and can't always remember things (which he admits) rather than doing a test at the doctor to see if he may have's. This way, it could still be (he thinks this is his problem) a lack of vitamins and the fact he played with a broken thermometer when he was young (mecury poisoning). Who knows, he could have a point there. When I have time, this is an avenue to explore.
A good test is important, that is clear from the comments above, because it's the unknown that is scary. I told him last night: 'I don't really care about your lifestyle choice, whether you do dishes, but I don't know what's wrong and I'm frustrated.' That's what it boils down to.
Since you're not family, you may need to step back a bit and just keep an eye out. If you think there's a real danger, call adult protective services or social services or whatever agency.
It sounds like he's still active in some ways -- the daily walk, a visit to the pub, etc., -- so that's good. It beats total isolation.