Hello All,
Praying you had a Happy New Year as possible, and a better 2021! I realize it has not been a great start, though.
It's been awhile since I've been here and I always feel relieved to have found this haven! I got off the phone with the NPD mother a little while ago. As many others, this is after long periods of grey rocking. I don't really speak to her or my waifish narc grandmother, whom I have supported with hospital visits, holidays, birthdays, etc. when the mother's golden child daughter (the sister) was mostly M.I.A. during those times off and on for a good decade, or a bit more. More off than anything, while galavanting around other states and countries. I never said a word (until they started in on me with their complaints). The other sister was 100% absent during that long period too, but I understand her because she was scapegoated something awful. Once she stepped out of the picture, it became me (didn't realize what it was at the time, but tried to make her stick around; how sick was I too?). Blamed my SC sister for years; for not helping me help them. HA! Realized only a couple of years ago how right she was to stay away!
Since my learning, it started to dawn on me about my M.I.A. sister and why she had to do what she did. The irony of life is I wanted to reach out to her, but she passed away last May because of her heart (praying it wasn't a broken one; also wondering about COVID).
But, I learned to leave the rest of them alone more and started grey rocking; especially after being attacked by my GC sister who I find to be a malignant narc. This happened about 3 years ago, which I wrote about a few times; won't do too much detail. It's just that she attacked while I was driving over something stupid that wasn't even her business. It was all about control. Because I was hit in the back of the head while driving, I pulled over and took care of her after she got out of the car.
Fast forward to today, and the narc mother is moving out next week after many years of owning her place that she swore she was going to come out of "feet first". She is a senior and can no longer afford it, but it's not because of her age. It's because she gambles; hard. She has been doing this since I was 12 and I am now 55! She told me a few months ago that she is moving with the GC sis (out of town, thank goodness) and they are selling her place--for the money, no doubt. And now that is supposed to be next week. Okay, so I came last week to see what she needed help with packing and to say goodbye (she nixed the packing; the GC is to do it. Cool!). Because I am not coming anywhere near this sister, or dynamic. Though the narc mother keeps fussing at me about being 'wrong' about all this. I said I am always going to be the wrong one. She did the same to the SC sister for years (tried to halt myself from saying this, because the dear angel is no longer here and I know it's a sore spot for the narc mom--but it also felt liberating, I must admit.)
To this day, the narc mom is blaming me even though this sister is known to fight and carry on (and even had to fight her as a kid, scratches, marks and all; my mother doesn't seem to "remember").
However, she keeps blaming me about the narc sis. I told her tonight I called to say I wished her the best and not angry, but don't respect nor agree with her and this sister's ways. That if she thought I was coming around them and put myself in danger again, she is as crazy as this sister. When she said I was wrong again, I said okay. And she is right, because I was wrong to meet up with them that night.
In the end, I said if she is going to keep fussing at me, especially when she gets around this narc sis and her family, then I wasn't going to talk to her to even say 'hello'.
Do you guys think I said too much? Maybe should have kept any future 'invites' as 'I'm busy', 'I'll think about it', or something.
My thinking was to set the record straight now, to leave me alone already!
TY
It gets easier the longer you do it. It's been a long process for me but I'm stronger and the not second guessing myself has led to greater faith in myself. When you have that people lose their power over you.
You'll be great!
Thanks.
Stay away. Don't feel guilty. Stay strong!
I worked over time with the guilt and now know that's a displaced emotion that narcs try to plant in us. So now that I recognize it, that's not it, for I am rightly insulted by it.
So, I am feeling another "G" word: GREAT for giving such a bon voyage message.
It's more whether I gave them ammo by breaking my grey rock routine; when I want them to just leave and go live their narc lives and leave me be? Don't want to mess that up!
I know it's already out there; just needed to process it with others who know the deal.
You're great!
When I drop my low contact guard with my SIL & get burnt, I don't think of it as a failure/regret so much anymore, but try to use it as another learning moment.
Your Mother moving house does not need to concern you too much. But I guess her living under the same roof as a Sister you want low or no contact with will create a big barrier to visiting. If you DO want contact, maybe phone instead or meet in a neutral place like a coffee shop.
Choose the frequency that works for you. (My SIL is now Easter & Christmas only).
Thanks for the compliment on my screen name. It's what I have been working on doing and I know I have made great strides.
Exactly. In my mind I wondered if it was letting my guard down and could be a set back. But I did learn these are learning moments, too. And you know what? Later that night I was feeling better to release that by putting it out there. I really don't feel like being vague to them at this time, as I had been learning to exercise with grey rock before. Another lesson that came out of it for me is that one size does not fit all situations and people; sometimes I might have to be more direct, especially with a certain narcisisst.
I realize I didn't mention that when I said I wouldn't say as much as a "hello" to the narc mom if she starts on me around the narc sis and family, I meant to say when calling over the phone, or texting. There will be no coffee meetups, or nada like that! Love how you said, "Choose the frequency that works for you." Beautiful words to remember!
Sending you many thanks and blessings, Beatty. :)
Wishing you peace during this transitional period.
Best wishes to you.
While I am always learning to trust myself, which I am doing over time by learning more about who I am and what makes me tick (or ticked off, lol), it helps to hear wise words from you and this community.
"Wishing you peace during this transitional period". I am loving these words and praying for this. Not fervently, but in a meditative sense and just release it to our Highest with love and trust.
P.S. From seeing your screen name I also pray you are getting much needed and I'm sure deserved help with your own mom. And love the avatar of your beautiful dog. They are our furry children with the best spirits to have around.
Blessings to you!
I have a friend that put up with this since she was a child. The sweetest must generous person you'd want to meet. Moved miles away with a daughter and started a new life with her and husband. Would go home to visit other daughter, granddaughter and widowed Mom. One day out of the blue her grandaughter, 7, deleted her from Facebook. Wouldn't answer messages. No Face timing. She called to see what was going on and daughter told her that she felt her daughter should not be in contact with her grandmother any longer. Friend had thought her daughter had narcissistic tenancies because she always sided with grandmom, now she knew. No, she has had no contact with granddaughter, her daughter or Mom. She at 60+ has finally said, thats enough.
You know what? I was thinking this same thing while talking to the narc mom, trying to wish her well while saying no I won't be coming to see her because of being attacked by the narc sis and how she kept saying I was wrong, "Their brain is not wired right. Its a personality disorder that cannot be corrected". The way she kept repeating it and couldn't process anything else was almost robotic.
But no, I am not to be manipulated. I may not have known what it was at first; being born into it and growing up in it (with some other narcs around too). But once I learned what it was, I began growing away from it. And I have been blessed in the past with family type friends, have a few now, and always looking for better friends that will truly support me. Believe me, I have also shed less supportive ones!
You know, your friend sounds something like one of my older friends who has 6 children and over 10 grands! Her oldest son is a malignant narc and I am thinking her next to youngest son is a flying monkey to the oldest one, because he follows him and so they both don't talk to their mom. This means, their children too. While my friend wants a relationship with her grands, she throws her hands up on it and concludes that one day the grands are going to grow up and make their own decisions about having a relationship with her. And they will resent their fathers for blocking it.
No telling how your friend's 7 year old granddaughter might feel once she grows up and looks back on it. It's like me as a child; you think you are doing the right thing for certain family members, but as you grow and learn, you will have a different mindset and wisdom. And in the age of the internet, those lessons are very accessible (finding the right ones, of course). And if your mind stays open to it, those lessons can be learned a lot faster!
Many thanks and Blessings!