My dad had successful surgery a couple weeks ago and is in rehab at a very nice nursing home. He is physically strong for 87, but has dementia and his manic/depressive/egotistic/delusions of grandeur personality is as bad as ever. The nursing home dropped the pay-down to medicaid bomb on me - 5 years of all records etc. $8,000+ per month etc.
Question: What if I just didn't pick him up from rehab? What would they do? I've put myself in a lather trying to figure out where to put him. What if I just left him there? I'm not bringing him home. I simply don't want him anymore. I'm sorry - I don't want him around me. I don't want to care for him. I'd be just happy if they kept him and liened his property and social security etc. I don't mind that - it seems they'd do that anyway. Would they put him in a car and bring him to my doorstep? Would they just keep him and apply for medicaid themselves? What would they do? Does anyone know?
Did he live with you? Are you living at his house? Did you use to care for him prior to the surgery? Do you visit him or interact with him?
Sorry, it just seems very harsh.
If medicaid is dropping a bomb on you, I think it means somehow you've been involved or have some investment? POA? MPOA? DPOA?
Yuck......It could be that I am semi new to this sight but holy h*ll...I've not seen harsher words than yours spoken about anyone. WHY? If my parent had of been that d*mn bad you could bet your butt I wouldn't know a darn thing of what's going on in their life!
Shutting up now because I don't know your circumstances... but it seems you'd like to pretend he never existed.
You want him to have the best care but that doesn't mean you have to do it physically yourself. Your life is important and you deserve to enjoy it!
Best of luck!
To the others - there are some here who care for a parent who has mentally, emotionally and or physically and sometimes sexually abused them all their life. It is not recommended by experts that those care givers give hands-on care, but rather see that others care for their parent. Blueridge seems to fall in that category - "his manic/depressive/egotistic/delusions of grandeur personality is as bad as ever". I fall in that category and would never do hands on caregiving of my mother, but see that she is cared for at arm's length. Yes, the parent has been that bad, and yes we are still involved, as we do care. Staying at arm's length is done for self preservation.
BlueRidge - sounds like it is time to hand over the responsibility to the professionals, step back and start looking after yourself. If you refuse to take him back, saying you are not able to care for him - say so, stand your ground to whoever, and then they are obliged to find a placement for him. Tell them that you are past the end of your tether, that he has been abusive all your life and you cannot take any more. Good luck and come back and let us know who you make out.. ((((((hugs)))) do something good for you today.
I need more coffee!!! :)
Tell them YOU CAN'T take care of him physically, medically (and maybe emotionally).
Just don't refuse outright to care for him. Take the position that you've been doing this, you no longer feel you can provide adequate care, and that it's physically impossible for you as a human being to continue it.
Make the home care issue a physical one of your capabilities and don't even mention the abusive personality.
I have mixed feelings about raising the abuse you've suffered because independent parties can treat this subjectively - it's your conclusion, not theirs, unless you've called the police and there's documentation for his abusive behavior.
My point is that don't get yourself in a situation where nursing home staff or any authorities they call in to back them up can say that you "just don't WANT to care for him." Don't give them the option to re-interpret the situation.
They can't force you to take a medical exam, and so have no way of knowing what physical limitations you have that may prevent you from caring for him.
Also, on the Medicaid issue...what's the status now? Did you sign any acknowledgment of financial responsibility for him when he was admitted to the rehab facility?
Does he now have Medicare? I'm confused why they would be considering Medicaid if they're even considering releasing him, which from your queries sounds as if it may be the case.
Maybe this will help:
1. Find out from someone in authority at the rehab facility what his progress has bee, when his Medicare day payment will be exhausted, and why they feel that Medicaid is necessary.
2. Don't let them force you into direct answers. Say you're in a data gathering stage to determine options. Let it go at that.
3. Talk to the physician who treated him for his surgery and authorized his current placement about his progress and appropriate potential placements. If his doctor concurs that he needs institutional placement, that's leverage for you.
4. It sounds as if the rehab facility is expecting you to apply for Medicaid for him after you go through the spenddown. Get as much information on their intentions as you possibly can.
You might want to start researching elder law attorneys in your area in the event you need one to protect yourself and ensure that your father doesn't come home to your care.
Perhaps it is an issue of semantics, but I did want to emphasize that I thought any refusal of the OP to take her Dad home could be misconstrued as just not wanting to tak care of him.
Thanks for your insight.
This is a very difficult situation and I understand because I also have a PD mother (personality disorder) who also has Alzheimer's. My heart goes out to you.
So, what if you refused to pick him up from rehab? That is the right question: find out what the next steps are, based on the firm premise that his coming back to your care is Not An Option.
Also, re-reading, it sounds as if there may be no problem. If the NH has set the financial process out for you, and you're content to comply with it, is there any reason you can't just go along? And further if you're happy with the NH's standards and they also provide long term care, so much the better: long-term solution, right first time. I'd call that a result.
The most intense caregiving has been for my father, but he's also been strong mentally and very independent, so the issues I've faced are not (yet) ones of alternative placement.
With a lot of volunteer help, we've struggled by thus far, although I would like to get some help in to give me some relief.
It is good to be aware of the alternatives if that ever becomes the issue in our situation.
Again, I appreciate your insights and comments on my posts.
Without knowing more of the circumstances it's hard to say what she can or cannot do and what Like who owns the house, who lives in the house and who has been the primary caregiver before the NH. If you look back on the other posts that were made, it appears the father has been with the OP for quite some time and the OP has been wanting OUT for quite some time.
None of this is easy and my heart goes out as well. However, most of us volunteered for this job ( probably didn't know just how much h*ll it was going to be) and to me, if I was ever to want to dump my mom, my conscience wouldn't allow me to do it in a heartless way. I'd have to bite the bullet and do it in the best way possible. Besides, I'd be scared to death of the Karma when I get elderly!
If you are not there and live elsewhere, I would inform anyone that contacts me, that he can no longer live alone.
By the way, I support you. Crazy is crazy, no matter how you dress it.
On the other hand if you just don't show up, I can foresee problems.
If you are POA, you resign that immediately, while he is still in rehab.
If you are living in his house, out you go, immediately.
As for the five years of bank statements, I sincerely hope his money was in a separate account and not thrown in with yours, because if you have been living on his money, as some do, it will be revealed, and you will be looking at a very grumpy Judge in the Illinois Surrogate's court. People who can't remember where the money went get an 8x10 room they will never forget.
The other issue is the dysfunctional relationship between you that certainly justifies you not caring for him directly. A lot of us are in that boat now. I will not have my mother in my home at all. Not even for Christmas. But, I am her Dpoa, and take care of all her mail, bills, and arrangements. My face to face time with her is very limited now due to the past events.
I guess I just sell his assets, get the paperwork together as best I can and watch a lifetime of work (and a lot of my work quite frankly) go away at $8,250 per month. Sigh....
Your health and sanity come first w/o them you cannot take care of anyone. What a depressing situation... Has your doctor prescribed an antidepressant. Make time for exercise, eat nutritiously and if you can take a yoga class to meditate. All these suggestions will help you cope during these difficult times.