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My parents are 83 and 85 years old. My dad was diagnosed is Mild Cognitive Impairment last summer. Alzheimers runs in his family so, we had him tested and he is currently being treated at age 85. My mom is not that independent and relies on my 85 year old dad to run their daily errands etc. Mom cannot keep up with the daily run of the house anymore and is becoming more and more frustrated with day to day chores and my dad. I have been trying to discuss this move for the last 3 years. I found a place closer to me, as they live 100 miles round trip away from me and my dad has been hospitalized twice already this year. Until this last year, they have done pretty well on their own, but now I can see life becoming more and more of a struggle. I found them a two bedroom apartment in an Independent/assisted living 5 mins from me. Their house is 61 years old and has not been properly maintained in the last 15 years since my dad has had health issues on and off. My two siblings live too far away to help. At Christmas I took my parents and brother to the place I found and my Dad declared he was ready to move. Actually, my Dad has been ready for a couple years now. He wants to quit driving and having the responsibilities. We put the money down to secure the apartment and they did come and fill out the lease paperwork and paid the community fees and have scheduled the first rent. My hope is to have them moved this month...but as this is becoming more of a reality, my Mom is becoming more and more agitated. She is angry at my Dad for having to move, she is angry at us kids and is making herself sick. I have done all of the things recommended to ease my parents into this situation....slowly discussing, looking at places, they have friends and family members that have positive experience with this, I have pointed out the need when the situation was right, I had my Mom agree this is necessary, I have moved things already out of the house at their request, they voluntarily had their paperwork done by the doctor to move, my siblings have pointed out the need to go, we have spread sheeted their finances to show they can more than afford it, Dads doctor stated is time to move, but yet I am having struggles with getting Mom to move. I have been sensitive to them leaving their home, but remain stern they need to go. They have to go before they have more issues and choices get narrowed.

I am concerned about my Dad walking up and down their steep driveway. He is not physically capable of keeping up with maintain/repairing the home anymore. I am concerned about my parents safety.

I am frustrated with my Mom, anyone else have this issue that has some good advice on what other ways to make this happen?

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Has your mom ever been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? She dounds depressed.
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My Dad is being treated by a geriatric psychiatrist for his MCI, and she goes to the sessions and contributes as do I. I may have to mention that...she probably is depressed and full of anxiety. One minute she is on board with moving as she realizes it is a good thing. The next she is overwhelmed and needs more time like a year....I don't think there will ever be a good time or enough time. That window has passed. Every time she gives me an argument as to why she should not move, that argument is actually a good reason for her to move. She just does not see that.
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You are almost there. Don't give up or back down. Your mom may be mad, feel betrayed and all that, but from the info you've posted its clear they will be much better off. You can find dozens of similar stories on this site. Loved ones usually do fine after settling in. I think you and your family have done a good job. These situations are of interest to me as I will be facing the same thing soon with a totally stubborn dad who has mild dementia.
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You have done very well. She probably will never be ready to move, but will settle in eventually so just go ahead. I think looking into depression and treatment for that is a good idea. Sometimes you just have to do what has to be done, even if there is resistance. (((((((hugs)))))
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I think your mom is just overwhelmed with the notion of change and once you get her physically moved she'll be fine. Do as much as you can (which it sounds like you're doing anyway) to let her not have to do a lot of work to make the move. And don't back down - make the move NOW!

When we moved my parents from their house of 35 years into independent living, my dad wanted no part of it (he was lazy too). So my brother mom and I did all of the physical work of going through stuff, getting rid of things, preparing the house for sale, etc. He did nothing (other than complain when some things didn't make the move - ha!). That worked out best for us. I'd treat your mom like my dad, do everything you can to make it easy on her. Once my dad moved, he was fine and loved it, it was getting him pried out of his home (where my mom did all of the work to keep it going) that was the hard part. So good luck and keep us posted!
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I appreciate this confirmation of I am doing the right thing! It is hard, as you all know, and sometimes I feel guilty that maybe I am pushing this move too soon. Then something comes up and I know it is the right thing to do. My thoughts are that I am making their remaining possible 10 years as easy for them as possible with options as things change in the future. We have already exhausted some options like, I offered them to buy a house and move closer to me 10 years ago, then to buy a house together, then my husband and I would build a house with granny quarters for them, add on to our existing house, now it is not a choice, but they need to move into independent-assisted living. I chose this as they are still pretty independent but heading into the time of life they are going to need help. This has been a well thought out plan by me that I have explained. Just this morning my Mom and I had a conversation were she tried guilt and plead for more time and mentioned I am not budging on this! She knows....
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emjo23, you are right. They are really never ready to leave. Nor am I ready to make the push to get it done. Still in a FOG I guess. My husband is working with her and I will enlist the help of few friends to encourage her. Still having trouble with sibs and they can beat me down so easily. Can't count on them to help me as they just want to scream obscenities at me. I have finally found a caretaker to help me out, but am scared to spend to much money (although my Mother has the money) as my sibs don't want me to spend down their inheritance. Wish I didn't give a damn how they felt, as it is HER money and there is no way I could spend it all if she lived for 10 more years. She has nursing care insurance which would cover this whole cost and I would not have to spend any funds if she would just consent to go there. Can't figure out why they won't help me with this. It will just put more money in their pockets if she consents to go. Life goes on.....
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biker - you are a good example of how to do it.

brin - you have the responsibility so spend the money for your mother. You have to develop a bit of a thick skin to deal with these types. I used to dissolve in tears too, but not any more. Don't try to figure them out - you will not succeed. It doesn't make any sense. Just figure out what you need to do and do it. You can count on your sibs - not to help, but to be abusive. Just accept that and act accordingly. Detach from your sibs - grieve that they are not the sisters that you need, and left them go in their twisted world. Keep out of it as much as possible. I have a blood sib who is dangerous to me. I have many non blood sisters who care for me and I for them. Just the way it is. Better to invest in supportive relationships. Never mind what your sibs want re your mother's money. Your mother gave that authority to you not to them They don't have a say in it. They can squawk like chickens, but you can ignore them. What do they add to your life but trouble?
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brinoz, I find it sad when people "depend" on that inheritance and don't consider the sacrifices the person made to earn the money and the precious items they own...you are right, it is your Moms money and her stuff and her RIGHT to spend it all! You need to let your siblings know this!The only advice I can give, is if there isn't a family trust, get one and make sure your mother designates someone to be her trustee to make decisions for her! That will solve a lot of drama for you. If it is in writing, your siblings don't really have a say...speak with the/a attorney. Family can become very poisonous to each other when it comes down to money. I find this very sad. I am very grateful my siblings are not that way...they know I am the designated caregiver and the one that has the written authorization...they also know that everything my parents have is theirs and they can do with it as they please...if there is anything left over, they we are lucky! I wish you luck Brinoz!
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For the past couple of years I have been trying to budge my parents out of their large home with zero luck. Last year when I showed them a brochure of a fantastic place not far down the road Dad mentioned it looked nice, maybe they will move in a couple of years.... SAY WHAT? HELLO, you are 92 and 96 !!

For the life of me I couldn't figure out why wouldn't they want to move somewhere that would bring them MORE freedom instead of waiting for me to rearrange my work schedule to help them out. Then I realized my parent's parents never moved from their own homes, neither did any of the siblings. So my parents are copying what everyone else did.

Downsizing seemed to be the major issue. So far Dad is into his second year of sorting through all the papers he has in filing cabinets and 3-ring binders... I see it never ending. Just recently he tossed out some of his college homework from the 1940's. Ok, I realize sometimes parting with memories isn't easy.

What I find interesting is that some of my cousins [65-75] are now selling their own homes and moving into retirement communities.
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I don't think she's depressed any more than any of us would be happy to give up a lifetime of memories in a house we love and have raised our kids in. Its not easy moving at any age! I just gave up a condo I lived in for 10 years to live closer to my parents and it was hard for me. I can't imagine if I had lived there 50 years or so! Try to empathize how difficult this must be for her. None of us like change, especially rearranging our whole lives. Appeal to her logic and maybe her emotions will settle down.
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I think you have done everything you can. At least your Mom w/have your Dad with her. She'll get used to it. You will be so much better for it to. You will know they are safe, fed and I would assume given their med.
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Sitting here thinking, I hope after all we are going thru with our parents, we will be better to our kids. I'm hoping to downsize in the next five to ten years. I'm already cleaning out as I see things I haven't used in years, I get rid of it. Trying to keep my paperwork all in one place and in order.
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Enlist her doctor's assistance. He can tell her it is necessary or the State will place her. It's a small fib, but my mom's doctor was concerned for her and helped. Your mom's generation is more likely to believe a doctor than ours. Good luck!
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It's not the moving in itself that bothers me the most it is accepting the fact that things have to be disposed of because I will never be able to use them again. My good health seems to have come to a screeching halt over the past few years and giving up stuff that I have used and treasured over the years is the hardest part. I also hate the idea of living in close proximity to others. No i won't get used to it I will tolerate it is necessary and I won't become mean and horrible and if anyone thinks they are going to get me to enjoy bingo or the weekly sing along they have another think comming. Luckily we have a daughter who has done well in life and has already offered to purchase a house close to her and help with whatever is needed. Right now she is considering a farm with a beatiful old stone house plus a stone cottage and for that I will give up my excess stuff. Can't answer for hubby though. Don't know if she is going to buy that though as she tends to like more modern homes.
We are not to the stage of the original posters parents and i do agree the time is right for them to be strongly encouraged to make the move. If not anti depressents the mom may be helped by some anti anxiety pills just to tide her over the move.
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I know its hard for the elderly to make a change. I've seen where they have been talked into moving in or near their children. Within a year they have passed. They can't adjust to the different surroundings and loosing friends and their Church.
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You are 95 percent there! Great job! From my own, and the experiences of my friends, you will be amazed how your mom will adjust and likely tell you it is the best thing SHE decided to do. My mother basically stated she would try assisted living for a month and then she would call a lawyer to get her out. She has forgotten I arranged it (I don't care whether she does or not) and keeps talking about what a great choice she made to move there. The extra socialization often does wonders for the elders. Good luck!!
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Freqflyer: best advice I got was: you have to wait for 'the event'; something will come along and make it uncomfortable for them to continue living like they are. Like their family physician reporting them to the driving bureau to get their licenses revoked, or reporting him or her to the County Office on Aging as a hazard to him/herself or more typically, one of them falling and ending up in rehab for months. It's very difficult and they can lose all their money to a scammer as well during this time. Maybe you could investigate guardianship, but I doubt it would be granted at this point and they will take revenge on you for trying. Sorry!
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Sometimes all it takes is getting inside and seeing how wonderfully different the option is from the vision of "retirement home" many elderly people have. They are no longer the smelly undesirable places of the past. Can't tell you how many times I've seen people so revitalized about 30 days after a move, people to chat with, food only down the hall, entertainment, a easily managed footprint. It gives them MORE independence freedom and in nearly every case I've seen, a healthier and happier existence. You are doing a great job and on the right track. Its never easy but a few months after a move, when all is settled I think you'll all find yourselves in a better place.
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I'm facing an identical situation with my parents. They're 88 and 89. Dad has dementia. He wants to move. I found a lovely place for them both to live and my Mom refuses to even look at it. She says she likes her privacy and that they're able to live independently. No, they aren't! I have help coming in five days a week, I prepare their dinners and freeze them for them, I have to take them to almost daily medical appointments, and I have a full time job. Adding to that, my only surviving sibling passed away last month. How can I get Mom to realize that her "Independent living" is anything but? My real concern is that Dad is beginning to wander and Mom is deaf. He went outside several months ago at 1:00 pm, fell and knocked himself out on a fire hydrant. Mom didn't even want me to take him to the hospital.
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Jbar1959 - I had a similar problem with my Mom is only as independent as my Dad is, and he is not that independent anymore...so, last year, I backed way off from doing things for them. I wanted it to become somewhat hard for them. It is a hard thing to do as a caregiver, but to get a message across is what I needed to do. My parents did notice I was busy with my business and my family and could not meet their needs...they also live 50 miles one way from me...so, it was not possible to be there for every need. They had to figure it out for themselves to a point. I was there for the major stuff...watched out for them at a distance and I do call them twice a day...morning and night. They did notice and did realize it was tiring and tough on them. They did notice that a day of doctor visits and errands made them tired and they needed a day of rest too...they did notice life was a harder...if you do too much for your parents, there is no need to move...they are independent in their minds. I had to make that hard conversation with my Mom about "What are you going to do if Dad is out running an errand and forgets how to go home?" We had to have some tough discussions...sounds like you have to have that talk. I also pointed out safety issues that come with living on your own...pointed out that when Dad doesn't remember or know who you are the harsh realities of life. I also pointed out that once Dad is a wandering risk, she becomes a prisoner in her own home...he has to be locked inside the home and she has to safe guard a key...etc...unfortunately these are all facts of life with dementia. Do know that it gets harder and harder for the one with dementia to handle the change of moving. Be careful that it might be too late for your Dad. One tactic I used was the doctor treating my Dad for Alzheimers...got her to agree and tell them it is time to move! My parents are working toward moving at the end of this month...it has been a roller coaster of emotion for all of us and tough, but in the end, it is the right thing to do. My Mom yelled at me on the phone on Easter about not wanting to move, and all I did was listen...after a while she told me all she does is talk and I never give in...so, she has to move...music to my ears at the end of the conversation. She was better later in the day. You have to remain strong and firm and it is not easy, but it is the best thing for them.
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I've been trying some of the tough love things too, like having my Mom handle more of the cooking. She did notice the change but since her threats always involve refusing to eat, then Dad ends up getting punished. it's just maddening and I'm am afraid that it may be getting to be too late to move Dad. Mentally he's deteriorating but he's physically as healthy as a horse. Mom is mentally sharp as a tack but is physically becoming more and more frail. Thanks for your feedback; somehow knowing that others are going through this, and that its ok to be frustrated with parental stubbornness, makes this a little easier to bear.
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About five years ago my younger sister and I noticed that our parents (mid 70's) were acting strangely, always tired, always had some ailment or another that they were running to the doctor for. My sister and I both in live in separate states from our parents so it was hard to check in on them frequently. I had discussed the benefits of living in an independent living community but Mom was adamant that they were fine and didn't want to discuss it. It was only after several falls and stays in the hospital that we discovered they were pharmaceutical junkies. They could have started a neighborhood drug store with all the medications they were taking. We had to hire an attorney to fast track taking over as Trustees for their Trust, got both power of attorney for their finances and medical, secured an assisted living community close to my youngest sister, sold their house and most of their belongings, get a whole new set of doctors and got them completely off all their meds. It was very difficult - as our parents fought us every step of the way (as it took months to get them weaned off drugs). We kept going with blinders on and did the best we could for our parents.

Today, they are the healthiest they have been in years, all their "mysterious" illnesses are gone, they are in a top notch assisted living community with the best doctors we could get for them, and I visit them often (my sister only lives 10 minutes from them - so she can take them to their doctor appointments and shopping, etc. They are more alert than they've been in years.
If I were to pass on advice about how we accomplished all this without the cooperation of our parents, I would say - Make out a written, comprehensive plan on how you are going to accomplish everything and do NOT deviate from it no matter what relatives or friends say. If need be, go to court and get the law on your side. Make sure your motives are pure (doing everything ONLY for the benefit of your parent(s) ). Reach out to others who are in the know and seek advice. Don't give up - no matter how much your parent protest or your relatives behave badly towards you. My sister and I are fortunate we had each other to share the responsibilities, but even if you must work by yourself - have faith in yourself - you CAN do it and you will be much happier knowing they are in a safe, secure environment where they are well taken care of.
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Lamtnbiker, they are 83 and 85, but have enough money to afford assisted living, I am curious how that works out.. they could live another 15 years each. Even at average cost of AL $4400 for a couple, that would be almost 2 million dollars...if they advance to memory care the costs only go up...hopefully .i am wrong but more & more seniors are making it to.age 100 and beyond, with pacemakers, stents, heck even my mom's stepsister at age 96 is getting a knee replacement.
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malloryg8r - Do your financial homework...you have to factor how much they get in income, any nursing home insurance and what proceeds they would get if they sold their home. You have to budget all of this. You also have to consider what money will be there if one passes and the adjustment to costs. For instance, the apartment will go down in rent by $600 if one passes. The surviver can opt to move to a smaller apartment costing less. At this point my parents are moving into the independent living not assisted. Assisted is as needed and costs anywhere from $400 a month to a maximum of $1825 for total care. Their insurance pays for each! At $400 a month, it would take 51 years to meet the max on their policy. Right now today, if they were using the $1825, it would take 11 years to meet the max....at this point, neither needs the assisted living...it might be 2 to 3 years before one needs it in my estimation. By moving them out of their home and into the independent living, I am taking away unnecessary stress of maintaining a home, paying bills and running errands etc...now they have time to relax, focus on their health and have time to do some fun things instead of being exhausted from their burdens. They will be much, much closer to me which enables my Mom and Dad to have a life. I can better assisted with taking them to the doctor, bringing them home cooked meals instead of them eating out of a deli, and not only can they cook in their apartment themselves, but the facility provides meals. There are group exercise programs and social outings which enhance happiness and no depression. It is time to take away the burdens and to have them start enjoying life...

Now financially, they live in a 61 year old home that is in need of some work. As the years go by now, that home is going to required more and more work which is going to be a financial drain. The house is a better investment for them to sell now, pocket the money and use it for their care. It is their house, their money etc...what are they saving it for? Their kids? Nope, they should use it and all of it if they have to. They worked hard for what they have. My siblings and I have to provide for ourselves....that is what should happen. I don't see our healthcare system becoming cheaper, it has spun completely out of control cost wise since the new health care system was put into place. They idea here is to prevent issues so their costs are more reasonable. By living in an independent apartment, I take away the big risk in a fall that ends it all....that comes from my Dad thinking he can do a home repair and is up on a latter. This January he was in the hospital with cellulitis, caused by a scratch he got doing work on their front porch on the house. He was back in the hospital in March for the same thing...why? Because once you have it, it keeps coming back if you don't rest. Why is he not resting? Because he thinks there are things that have to be done at the house....see what I am saying here? They have to afford this even if us kids have to kick in for it!
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Biker, You are doing fine. You are almost there. That your Dad wants to go is a big plus. Your mom is afraid of change, which is natural at her age. She will adjust and make friends and its such an advantage they will have each other and not feel alone. Has your mother seen the place, had a meal there, met some of the people? If not, that might help as what she imagines is probably much worse than what is. It took five years for me to convince Mom to move to IL (and she was 92). I had to take her there and she liked it. (Of course we won't talk about the cold feet she got when it actually came down to moving, but by then it was too late and she couldn't back out.) If my Dad had been alive, she would have gone willingly.
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I am happy to report that I am successfully getting my parents moved. Unfortunately, it took my Dad spending all last week in the hospital again, with yet another bout of cellulitis. There was a big change with my Mom and acceptance has been accomplished. Sorry to say, but it took another major event, but we are at the end goal. I just pray the rest of the year goes smoother for my parents. I love them and want them to be happy, healthy and safe!
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That's great news. You will feel so much better when they are there, no more worries about their safety. They will eventually make friend and it will feel more like home to them.
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Yes, that is great news! Good luck on the move going smoothly and them getting settled in. Please keep us posted!
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My Mom still is not happy, she feels like she is being punished because she had to move because my Dad wants to and has to move. I met another woman at the senior apartments that said she was not happy because she HAS to be there because her husband has to be there. Unreal!
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