My disabled (MS) mother lives with us (husband and 2 kids). She tends to be loud, opinionated and doesn't know when to not say something about something that she disagrees with. When my stepfather passed away (4 years), we used a portion of his life insurance $ to put $ down on a larger house so that she could move in with us. To say that things are not going well would be an understatement.
My husband has a lot of animosity built up over the last 4 years towards her and mostly the things she says. Not to mention the fact that he is disabled and home with her all day. He wants her to leave, but what can we do?? She has been disabled since I was young, doesn't drive and only has SS for income. She is still mostly independent, but needs help occasionally. He's already mentioned that he will move out if things don't change soon and I just feel stuck without a way out.
Figure out a way to pay her back and help her find a nice assisted living apartment.
You might try something similar, just taking your husband out of the house for a little while. She can't argue if there's no one there to fight with! If you do this several times, you can then sit down with her and explain how things are going to be. If she needs attention or something to do, find it for her, and a special place for her project. When people are tired, frustrated with their life or simply not the center of attention, they act out. Think of a toddler not getting her way in a grocery store.
Then a few months ago the Lord blessed me to guide me to these two videos on youtube that can be downloaded on 4k videodownloader
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7a0HjVlD7g
and
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j14kNoVsbTw
They work wonders for me and my stress level has plummeted.
God bless you to be able to put these into practice in your situation
As well just inform your mother that either her attitude changess or her address will. And, be prepared to back it up
Both your husband and mom need activities that separate them on a regular basis.
Both of them need things that engage them, make them have to interact with others and burn energy.
Both of them need to grow up.
Whenever something is said that is not okay, it needs to be dealt with right then, every single time.
Mom, we don't say unkind things to each other.
Husband, life is hard, harder for disabled people then most but, we don't use emotional threats to make it better.
It sounds like you will have to be the adult and act with authority to get things sorted out. Like finding day programs for both of them. Do alternate days so each can have some home time, alone. No isn't an option for either one.
My brother had 5 kids and they spent a lot of time at my house, when they didn't have enough to keep them active, productive and engaged, they picked at one another for entertainment. This very much sounds like what is happening with mom and husband.
I used to tell them, because, as you well know, I was being dragged into it, one or another running to tell Auntie what was happening, that I was changing my name to sh!t and slapping the 1st one that cussed. It actually got their attention. Maybe you could try something similar.
If you can't find a solution and need mom to move, she owns a percentage of the house. It's not as simple as giving her the money back. Whatever percentage of the original purchase price her down payment paid for is her equity in the home. You may owe her more then she invested.
You say she only needs occasional help with some things, so you won't be able to say it was for caregiving services.
You can't keep the money and put her into a Medicaid facility, that is wrong in every imaginable situation. Not to mention that Medicaid only pays for certain facilities and your mom would need to qualify medically as well as financially.
You both made a choice and it needs to be dealth with honestly and fairly for ALL involved.
The other thing that makes this somewhat more complicated is your stepdads insurance money, you said he passed away and you used his insurance money to buy a larger home- the insurance money since he was her spouse would be designated for her. How did you get the stepdads insurance money and did you then include her name on the house you bought w it?
I feel conflicted about that depending on the details such as was it a small amount of insurance money I’m guessing it wasn’t that small or it wouldn’t be able to buy a larger house. Since it was her money that made the purchase of this larger house possible that’s a tough one I would have to think about it more but definitely hope you at least try some mediation sessions first
You also didn’t say if you and him have had a talk with her about boundaries?? It seems from what you wrote that nothing has been done as far as talking with her or going to a counselor etc as a first step to see if that will help resolve some of this? I think when it’s something as serious as ones residence you would first make an effort to talk w her and a counselor to mediate an agreement before jumping to the last resort.
Have you tried any of those things yet first?
If she is pre dementia, unless you're emotionally prepared to deal the disease, I'm not trying to ruin your life, but the fact is her nastiness is only going to get worse as the disease progresses. And the nasty behavior usually begins at sundown. AND, if you are not prepared to deal with this, IT WILL cause further strife with your husband. --- It's one thing to disagree, but it becomes a battle when both sides are grimly determined to "win the argument." And I suspect both are not emotionally mature enough to realize that EVERYONE has a right to a dissenting opinion on ANY topic. If both parties are not emotionally grown enough to understand this, then YOU WILL HAVE strife.
Also, sit down with her, be frank and tell her the options available, which are to learn to live in harmony, move into an AL facility, sell the home and return her share and then you and your husband can move into a smaller space.
You also need counseling. It sounds like you are stuck between two strong personalities and are willing control over you.
YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AS WELL. If they both cannot understand this, then maybe it's time for you to cut ties with both.
BOUNDARIES!
she has “pre dementia”? The op wrote she has a strong personality and makes rude comments. This describes people I have known or met who were decades younger definitely didn’t have pre dementia. The term dementia tends to get tossed about a little too fast as an automatic assumption she didn’t say anything about her memory
Some parents look at their kids like old age insurance and have expectations that exceeds the norm.
No, let mom go. You are not her servant.
One thing I would want to consider is she said they used her stepdads insurance money which would have been for her mom, on this house. That’s something to really consider as it was much of the moms money that paid for this house. It wasn’t their house they paid for already and then had her move in. Before considering uprooting everyone they should at least try some counseling sessions first for mediation and making an agreement, meeting again w the counselor to reevaluate then if it’s still not working figure out about the house
How you move forward from here has a lot to do with how your mother reacts to you speaking to her about finding another place. You could sweeten the pill by presenting info on affordable places near you. Sounds like everyone went into this with no contracts in place other than verbal agreements. It's not outrageous, imo and without any other information, that your mom pay 1k a month for housing for the past 4 years but that's not what she was expecting.
There are programs like HUD senior apartments for someone who meets the qualifications for SS amount.
If you can't do it - then you can't do it. Lord knows, you're not a servant. No one can force you to care for her. Things don't always work out the way they are planned. You tried - and it didn't work.
If she's on the Deed to the property - then that's another issue. You'd need to reason with her and explain the necessity to sell, or see an Attorney to file a partition lawsuit - which will not be cheap.
Or refinance the house and buy her out.
If she's not on the Deed, then you could sell the property and refund her 50K along with a fair division of any profits she earned as a co-owner. Or, refinance and give her the money back.
This is not going to be easy. Since you said the 50K was portion of the insurance - then hopefully there's more for her to fall back on in a CD or investments, perhaps? At least she has SS coming in.
Our emotional opinions don’t matter on the disbursement of the funds. I suspect you have earned the $50K. But that won’t matter either in the final analysis.
What does matter is going forward now to continue to provide mom with care and get your family life back on track.
Since the co-mingling of funds can have an affect on your moms future and the title to your house, you do need to seek the help of a qualified, certified, elder law attorney to make sure you don’t muddy the waters more with another well meaning but not clearly thought out decision. Such an attorney is expensive but very necessary. Do your research, make some phone calls and gather all the paperwork they will request. They need to know all the details in order to help you and mom. If the attorney has a real estate attorney associate that would be helpful too.
Even if you work things out so that mom remains in the home, you need to know now the legal ramifications of your actions.
Please don’t make the mistake of seeing a gallbladder doctor when you need heart surgery. Make sure the attorney you see is well versed in Medicaid law for your state.
Also check with your Area Agency on Aging to see if mom can qualify for respite. Maybe mom could use some therapy.
If she won’t cooperate then you need to know that as well. Further legal action might be necessary. You obviously care about your mom or you would not have taken the steps you did but you have to protect your family. These times we are living in are stressful for everyone, time to regroup for the benefit of all… good luck.
Good luck!
Doubtful you'll be able to change her opinionated personality, but maybe talk to her that it comes across a little to strong. Maybe find something for both of them to do during the day instead of being in each other's way. They may be disabled, but many disabled people can hold some kind of job. Part time, etc would give them a different daily view.
I should say that I don’t approve of organising in advance to qualify for Medicaid and cheat the taxpayer, but this is a bit different. Everyone loses when things go wrong unexpectedly. Get the dates and details straight before you visit the advisor.
While at it, look for all the resources in your location for your husband. You may not realize it but he needs assistance as well as your mother.
Nonetheless your spouse and family take priority and it seems your marriage is in crisis. It may actually be better for your mom to live somewhere where she has more social exposure and opportunities for activities and events. You say she's mostly independent, so then what are you worried about? That wanting privacy is "unloving" to her? If she ever hinted at this it would be selfish and manipulative. All the more reason to move her out.
Reassure her that you and your husband will help her every step of the way so that she isn't overwhelmed (and it guarantees it gets done). Many adult children go into a roommate arrangement with parents grossly underestimating what it usually devolves into. You aren't the first, you won't be the last.
If her name is on the deed, then maybe you all need to go to an elder law/estate planning attorney or Medicaid Planner to make sure you don't do anything you'll be sorry about later. Wishing you much courage, clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this change for the better.