I am the youngest child of a 95-year-old mother. I live 65 miles away and have a brother who is closest to her and visits her everyday. I try to make it once a week to see my mother. Sometimes I can't due to illness. The other day I tried to discuss possibly relocating to senior care apartments due to my concern for her safety and well being. I tried discussing this with her and she became angry and very abusive to me. I was accused of trying to put her in a nursing home, which was furthest from the truth. I even tried to discuss this with my older brother and he even agreed with me. The next day I felt compelled to go visit and straighten this issue out. Well my brother was there and I was kinda ambused by the both of them. My brother accused me of trying to get her money and she is listening to him and agreeing. I tries to discuss this issue reasonably but my brother became abusive and aggressive towards me. I immediately left and am trying to understand what just happened there. I called my mother again the next day on the phone and she accused me of trying to steal here house away from her and put her is a nursing home. I have never heard such hurtful things come out of my mothers mouth. I am hurt and disgusted. I dont know what to do. I am extremely stressed over this, my blood pressure is high, i cannot sleep, i feel like im in a tunnel. Im trying to understand but cant.
I feel your pain. My mother lives with my brother (and his family) and this has been OK for many years, but she really needs a lot more care than he can (or will allow!) to be provided. I floated the ALF possibility past the sibs a couple of years ago and you'd have thought I was suggested torture! I'd looked at several places, very nice, nicer than where mom lives now--plenty of activities and a "fun bus" that takes residents to a different location each day..they can join in or stay in their apartments....anyway---taken to a vote, I was knocked down 4-1 against any kind of move. Even brother who cares for mother voted against this change.
I washed my hands of it--I still go once or twice a week and do what little she'll allow me, but she's lonely and here comes the Utah winter with snow and ice--she barely gets out NOW...
Anyway, sounds like your brother doesn't mind taking care of mom, and you stepping in now and then. Just leave it. At her age, there likely will be some kind of "big boom" that will force you to make a move of some kind. That's kind of what I am waiting for.
You obviously DO love your mom, so just let this little kerfuffle pass and don't bring up the move. Your mom sounds feisty and still very with it. Leave her be and enjoy her while you have her.
Make peace with brother--I can't stand when my kids don't get along!!
Are you wanting mom to move closer to you so that you don't have to travel as far? Are you wanting to be more involved in her caregiving?
In my book, the person or people who are doing the most hands' on care are the folks who get to call the shots.
If your brother is asking you for more help, have a private conversation with him AND discuss with him how to present this to mother so that you are a united front.
Find some way to relax before privately raising the issue again with brother. Go for a walk, color tour, shopping, to a library, read a book, watch tv, or watch the weather channel and worry about what would happen if you were in the path of Hurricane Nate.
When you're able to refocus, think about how you want to find out what your brother really thinks - I assume he's more or less her caregiver? If you're not in agreement, you might just have to let the issue ride until he takes action. It wouldn't help to push the issue if he's going to side with her publicly.
Has your mother executed any advanced directives, including powers of attorney? If so, who are the proxies?
Generally what happens is some sort of crisis..a fall, a hospitalization for an illness brought on by lack of attention to hydration or proper nutrition. Once in the hospital, there will be an opportunity to discuss mother's level of care with professionals.
Don't beat yourself up and don't kill yourself visiting every week if it's a hardship. Find out what help your brother appreciates and do that. For some folks, it's handling the medical issues, for others, it's finances.