Our mother age 95 resides in a SNF since Feb 2020 because she requires skilled nursing care. She barely moves around in her wheelchair and mostly sleeps seldom watching TV. There are two residents to a small bedroom which has an attached half bathroom. Our mother is in the bed closest to the bathroom while the roommate (age 90) has the window side of the room. They are only separated by a bed curtain. Our mother has complained that her roommate deliberately refuses to close the bathroom door forcing our mother to smell those moments.
During my visits, the roommate is always hidden behind the bed curtain watching her TV and I respect her privacy. Many times our mother is sleeping in her chair and rarely has her TV on - claims no interest.
However, recently both my sister and I observed disturbing behavior in our mother's roommate and are wondering how to address this problem? When speaking to our mother - behind the curtain she turns her TV volume so loud we can barely talk. Or if I turn on my mother's TV she blasts her volume louder. My sister visited yesterday and said our mother was sitting with her hands over her ears because of the roommates loud TV. My sister politely asked the roommate to lower the volume where upon woman stood up and did so but smirked at my sister. She appears to be deliberately doing this behavior to upset our mother. I'm guessing there are conflicts going that we don't know about besides the bathroom business.
This is the first I knew that the roommate was ambulatory as I've never seen her standing or outside the room - she is always hidden behind the bed curtain. I was shocked to hear she can stand and walk about. Our mother is very disabled and needs assistance in the bathroom.
Now we are concerned about what is going on when we are not there. The aides and nursing staff are very busy and there is minimal staff to even notice these issues. We do not want to complain and risk the staff moving our mother to different room farther away from the nurse station. Our mother was in this room first before this current roommate (previous roommate passed). I regret not moving her to the window side away from the bathroom when that was an option.
I have never seen her roommate with any visitors - which may be due to different visit days/times. Maybe she resents our visits and attention given to our mother. Someone mentioned the roommate lost her two children years ago and her only family is a granddaughter and niece. She has lots of pictures displayed.
So any suggestions how do we deal with this aware, cognitive, high-functioning roommate who is displaying spiteful behavior?
This roommate does not have dementia and is far more mental and physically cable than our mother. She is recently displaying this spite behavior and may be trying to get our mother to move from this room. Our mother had this room first - the roommate can ask to be moved in my opinion. I will not allow this roommate to call the shots here.
There is little you can do but discuss with the facility Social Worker and/or administration the things you have mentioned above. Do understand that there are in fact worse outcomes. Some people reside in SNF because they have untreated sores on extremities and cannot/will not tolerate amputations. The odor in these rooms is overwhelming 24/7.
I am so sorry this is a problem but you really have no choice but to approach those in charge here. Only they have the power to change anything at all.
There has to be compromise when you share a room. When DHs Aunt was in the NH her roommate complained about the loudness of Aunts TV, Aunt was hard of hearing. We got Aunt earphones which at the time plugged into the TV.
The roommate is being petty when I make a short visit to pickup / drop off laundry. Yes - this is certainly about compromise under these circumstances.
The nursing staff told me after mom got to a different room this would be that woman's FIFTH roommate. The bad roommate gave me one of those ha ha looks when we were leaving and I said next time I hoped her bedpan was just out of reach when she next needed it. Then I shut the door.
We do typically wheel our mother out to the front lobby and outside during warm weather. However, sometimes she refuses as she complains of being too tired. We are very polite and never impose on the roommate. So I think our mother and her have had words when no one is around. I've never seen them speak to each other during any of my visits.
During Covid no one was allowed to leave their rooms and this problem may have erupted during this lock down period that lasted for months. Sadly our mother no longer seems able to wheel herself out of the room. Again, mentally and physically unable to go that short distance. I will ask the staff if sometimes they can remove her to a quiet window area outside of her room.
In addition, to add to this complex situation a younger male resident (maybe age 40's?) with Down's syndrome was admitted to the same floor a few months ago. He is wheel chair bound but goes up and down the hallway and parks himself in the large sun room across from the nurse station. This is the ideal location for the staff to keep an eye on him. I've witnessed him trying to spit at people when he is having a bad behavior event. I was on the receiving end trying to walk past him one time in the hall and I avoid him now. If he blocks a door way to a resident's room everyone starts yelling to move him away. The residents want nothing to do with him and do not want to him near them. When he is parked in the sun room they will not go inside - and I cannot blame them. I'm sorry if my comments here are offending anyone but these are my observations.
So he appears to reside in the last room at the end of my mother's hall way. The other weekend it appears the staff did not allow him out of his room and he was screaming and yelling a major temper tantrum - nonstop - you could hear him clear down the long hallway. Maybe the weekend staff was attempting to allow the other residents access to the sun room that day. At my next visit, he was back in the sun room alone again while the able residents were hanging out in the dining room far away from him.
So I am deeply concerned that if the staff moved my mother it might be to a room closer to him. Her current room location is the farther way and ideally nearest the nurse station. This room location is best for her to be monitored the other residents are able to wheel or walk outside their rooms while our mother is unable. I would be very concerned staff would forget her as I don't think she is mentally capable of using the call buzzer anymore.
If you can’t bring her to live w yourself or a relative then take her to sit outside in the sun, or in the day room- if she objects she’s choosing to remain in her room
Keep documentation of your requests, (who you talked to, date, time, etc.) and dates & times of the incidents. Also, you may want to put your requests in writing to start a paper trail.
My guess is that the roommate is trying for a private room and has probably been transferred multiple times.
#2 It is obviously more sensible for the person who is able to get to the bathroom independently to be closer to it [especially if she is able to walk, but not to shut a door behind herself apparently]. Who's in charge of bed allocation? I can't see anything against approaching that person with an offer to switch around to make access to the bathroom easier for the roommate.
How long since the new roommate moved in?
It’s a long shot but does the roommate’s TV have Bluetooth speaker capability? Once you have got to know roommate, she might enjoy her TV through a speaker located near her head.
My MIL was in SKN for twelve years in the same room. Roommates came and went. Work with the staff and get to “know” the roommate and work out a non confrontational solution.
So what I would try, is to get her on your side before asking for a room change. How about bringing in some yummy food you could share with her? I'd check with staff first, in case she has diatary restrictions i.e. diabetic, or chewing/swallowing issues. You can always bring in a diet soda or something a diabetic could have.
Id make a big deal about chatting to her too. Glad to see you! And mean it. How are you fine ladies today? Beautiful spring day. Wow you have a lot of pictures. Who are they? Great looking family. I can see where they get their good looks from, and so on. Who is that in the picture? It may work. You might make a friend. Bring in a magazine or something. A spring card from dollar tree, or some spring plastic flowers, or real ones for her side of the toom, as well as mom's side. A couple of bucks from dollar tree etc. Little things. Find out what she likes.
Id say I'd like to get to know you, since you are the roommate of my mom. No point in being over there by yourself. Might as well all chat and have a nice visit if your up to it. Introduce yourself. Maybe take them both outside on the patio, on a nice day. She might love that. Staff rarely has the time to do that, and they can't be out there alone. Maybe have a lunch with both of them. Or as they eat, you sit and chat.
My sister used to talk to my dad's roommate, and then I did too. My dad said very little by that time, but would listen, and nod. We would bring in food, when my dad could eat it. Or a small choc or strawberry shake on occasion. Both of their eyes lit up like a Christmas tree! The room mate looked forward to our visits. He was very aware. Told me all about his life. He had an occasional visitor, but they only stayed a few minutes, drop of his sidas then leave. He was allowed to have a little refrigerator so kept Sam's club dr pepper sodas in there. That was his guilty little pleasure. I would chat to him too every time I was there. It made the visits sooo much nicer, bc sometimes my dad was asleep, and it beat staring at my phone. And less awkward. And usually a nurse or cna would pop in and chat for a min or 2. I'd always act like I was very glad to see him too. He was a very nice man. He was younger than most of the residents. They really enjoyed the food and trinkets I brought in. Little decorations for the season.
It might make all the difference, and they might become friends, or tolerate each other better. Since the roommate is very alert, I would do my best to include her. I bet she is very lonely. That's why she's turning the TV up. Doesn't want to hear your visit. Jealous.
A tolerable roommate is better than one who makes life miserable. If she leaves the room, tell your mom what you are befriending her too. Maybe they will learn to enjoy each other's company. I bet it will work.
I would bring things in for my dad to decorate his shelf above the bed. I bet she would enjoy that too. Always got cards and dollar tree stuff, or little things from the pharmacy, so if it's taken, it's no big deal. Most people like little surprises, and I think you'll make a friend! And she'll look out for your mom too. And since she is cognizant, she can keep a better eye out for the wandering residents, and your mom. I bet it will work, good luck.
I sincerely wanted to approach this rationally and acknowledge that there are always other reasons that I was not aware of. Regrettably, I believe I identified the cause or what triggered this recent conflict. My mother's younger brother (age 85) made a recent visit unknown to me - which is fine. However, he should have removed my mother from their resident room to another appropriate private area for visiting. Instead he stayed and sat in their room for a lengthy time period which is totally unacceptable. In the past, I knew he visited and sat in the front lobby - so it NEVER occurred to me he would visit in their room. (I'm banging my head in frustration when I found this out.) I realize he has difficulties walking with a cane, etc. but he could have asked to move his sister outside the resident room for a private visit. I told him to never do that again - NEVER. He must arrange to meet his sister outside the resident room and he can always ask for assistance to wheel her somewhere else.
I politely asked the charge nurse today - to be aware when he visits to PLEASE locate him to an appropriate visit area. I will apologize to the roommate for this inconsiderate behavior of my family member - hopefully, it will calm the situation. I'm very grateful for your input to help me think what may have been the trigger......
i agree with people who suggested your being friendly to the roommate in whatever way you are permitted..as far as treats or just niceties like flowers or seasonal decor.
I would continue your practice of visiting outside the room when mom is up to it ..but not force her . With my mom , I noticed that the wheelchair was just not a comfortable seat to remain in for very long. We seriously need to provide better for our elderly and infirm. One issue , especially for my mom, was that the chairs , of all kinds , including their bedside recliners , were much to large for their frames. Probably , much like many things like car seats, based on the male form . They have actually done studies proving that people are much more comfortable of they have proper seating and that it also supported physical health such as circulation, lung capacity, edema, and decreased pain , also less agitation and anxiety. Something those who inspect these SNFs and pay Medicare and Medicaid dollars to should consider. Anyway, perhaps could be why she wants to stay in her room.
If she blasts the volume when mom is alone with her , obviously it isn’t because of your conversational noise..this needs to stop if it hasn’t all ready. That actually is something they use to torture prisoners - loud sound at all times of day. I’d assume that the staff can hear it and should respond accordingly if room is close. So if it doesn’t stop that roomie should move. Also should be informed she must close bathroom door EVERY time ..that’s just gross. I have an acute sense of smell and that would be terrible. If she won’t that’s a reason to move her at least to the side with the bathroom nearest.
One additional thought - concerning the privacy curtain ..is it always closed or is this a recent thing or just when you visit ? The thing is if so , your mom is deprived of a window and sunlight and sky. In shared room situations , especially long term such as in SNF , both deserve to see outside . Actually increases depression when deprived of that. If she did this all through a Covid lockdown it could have affected your mom negatively. Also , a reason to have her moved from room or to the bathroom side.
The privacy curtain has always been drawn between the 2 beds as required during Covid and it remains that way since these two roommates are not friendly with each other - this is what they want. I get the sense they have had words in the past and tolerate each other in this situation. I do agree about the window for light too. My mother does complain about bright light which is why I left her nearer the door side. However, directly outside their doorway across the hall is a glass door with a view of the garden courtyard. We have told her numerous times to wheel herself to that glass door for a quiet private view - to get out of the room. She did this before Covid but seems unable to do so now - unable mentally to remember what we told her and maybe unable physically? I will ask the staff to do this for her at least. When my sister or I visit we try to wheel her to the lobby or this glass doorway - now with warmer weather I took her outside today. She tolerated it about 15 - 20 minutes then requested to go back to the room. She always wears sunglasses outside because the bright light bothers her.
Her younger brother visits last 2 hours (what he told me) and I am surprised she stays awake. This is why I became very upset when I realized he was in their room during this visit. No wonder the roommate was upset! He also calls his sister twice a day and will contact the nurse station if she doesn't respond after numerous attempts to reach her. I've witnessed her sleep through the ringing phone where I answered and told him so. Sometimes she does not replace the phone back properly on the cradle and so it is busy signal for hours. He knows this - but will not listen to me to stop this obsessive controlling behavior - it is who he is. Plus, her other brother calls her daily too. I visit twice per week but my visits are short (l do laundry) and reasonable in duration depending how lucid she is that day. I do not call her.
So after reading the many helpful replies it has helped me get a better perspective. I will continue to observe that the situation has calmed down and does not get worse. My main obstacle and stress for me is I cannot control the behavior of other people (family members). Lastly, I do apologize as I am aware that my posts are petty considering the far bigger problems others are living with here.
Asking to swap beds could also be good. If mother is in bed, a view through the window would be good for her. If room mate is watching TV, she isn’t looking out of the window anyway. I would guess that this is up to the staff to decide on, they can just do it.
Worth a try?