Coming home from my mom's. And seeing spouse with (single) neighbor. It flashed before me that I have been absent for too long. Running back and forth constantly for about two years now making sure my aging dementia parents were okay with 24/7 care but leaving free time for my spouse. How do you choose? Parents can live another 10 years. What is reasonable visiting time with parents? After all they are your mom and dad. I drive 45 min one way 3 days a week to make sure they get out and everything is okay. I'm getting tired also.
After all they are your parents. Wouldn't they want you to be happy and live your life?
Yes, there are marriages that end because of caregiving, which for many is just the last straw. Your marriage is the most importanr, a partership and an investment that will crumble to nothing if you do not attend to it.
Restoring intimacy with your husband may take a while. I agree that you should cut back visits to once a week, however, first and foremost, I think you ought to consider taking a vacation from your parents for at least a few weeks. During that time if you must check in on them, do it by telephone.
Your husband needs to see some grand gestures on your part. Plan special weekends for the two of you. Establish a weekly date night. Fall is the perfect weather to get out and explore what's happening in your community. Most counties offer events that are free or modestly priced.
It is your job to make your husband feel important, special and secure in your marriage. Continuing as you are now - i.e. prioritizing your parents over your husband - may not land you in divorce court but it will sap the life out of you and your marriage. I wish you lots of wisdom during this difficult time.
If your parents already have 24/7 care - why are you going up so much? Start stepping back to once a week, then maybe once every other week. What are you doing that 24/7 care should be but is not? What are you doing that your parents could hire someone to do? (wash windows, clean house??). What are you doing that your parents could take advantage of community services to do? (meals, doctor rides, etc).
Your small nuclear family comes first.
This resonates right now because my best work friend has gradually had her time sucked up so that she spent every weekend with her parents (2 hour drive away) helping them stay in their house. The weekend she would clean the entire 2 story house plus basement, mow the lawn, hubby would be making repairs, they would buy groceries and cook meals for the week, make sure to get meds. Finally hubby and three kids (ages 11-16) sat her down and said as of Sept 1 this year - they quit. She was on her own. They were no longer going to give up every weekend to go out of town - they were going to participate in sports, work on hobbies, do repairs on their own house, see friends. No discussion. She was on her own.
She got mad then, and told her parents - no more as of Sept 1. She was done. They could hire services or finally move to assisted living - she was done. She has had them call and yell at her, the pastor yell at her, parents friends yell at her. She is strong and says "no".
Well - guess what? mom and dad have hired a cleaning service, have found a handy man for repairs, and use internet grocery shopping and mail services for meds. They just hadn't wanted to all these years.
Think about it - take your life back.
If the spouse/sig other acts like "they aren't my parents" then I couldn't give a flying fig that spouse/sig other is not getting any attention. Nothing worse than an able bodied person making excuses for not helping with your parents or helping around his/her own house to make life easier for the caregiver. Nothing worse then trying to maintain two houses.