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For the past few months my mom (73) started to have extreme dizziness. It had been constant for days at a time and wouldn't cease, she even felt dizzy while laying down. Anytime she would get up she immediately felt like she was going to fall backwards. I thought it could be dehydration but when I got her to drink more water it didn't seem to help much.


A week after this started, she started to complain about a pain in her chest when she would breathe in. Every time she takes a breath, she says it's painful. It got to the point that every breath she took also caused her to whimper or cry out. She gasps for air quite often.


Along with all this, she also is fatigued and sleeps quite a lot. She also complains of other pains as well, mostly around her abdomen, her side and back and definitely has digestive issues.


Anyone know what the possibility of all this could be? My mom is extremely stubborn and refuses doctor care. She doesn't trust doctors and literally believes they are out to kill her, so I am unable to get her to one. I've had to call an ambulance in the past but she always refuses to accept help and will not go. Due to this they can never do anything and I feel helpless and lost in what to do.


I'd really appreciate any insight of what might be going on with her, or what I could do about this situation. I'm her sole caregiver and this reality of just being forced to deal with this because she refuses any outside help is draining me and affecting my own quality of life. I'm so depressed.

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I am an RN.

This could be literally ANYTHING, but the CERTAIN thing is that this is something for the MD.
If your mother has refused an ambulance to the hospital and refused to see an MD then she has chosen death over life. As long as she recognizes that and accepts it there's not much you can do. Her symptoms are cerebral-vascular and in that DIRE.

Again, without testing this could be anything. But if your mother refuses care, and EMS refuses to TAKE HER TO CARE, you cannot change anything by force in a competent person. So when she gives you her next complaint in this long litany of them shrug and tell her "Sorry to hear that. Let me know if you would like to see a doctor" and get on with your life. What other choice is there?
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Andromedan Sep 2023
Thank you for responding, that quote at the end is helpful and I'll use it with her. I guess there really is nothing I can do if this is what she's choosing.
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I agree with Alva to call 911 next time she has an episode and tell them you think she may be having a stroke or heart attack. If she still fends them off, that's as much as you can do until she has a more profound event where she is not capable of saying no to medical attention.
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Call 911. Let THEM evaluate.
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I'll add a recommendation to the home tool kit: a pulse oximeter (clips on finger, easy to use). Shows oxygen level and pulse. You could use the BP cuff and oximeter to get baseline readings, when mom is not having an "episode" so you (or EMTs) would have a point of comparison.
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Andromedan Sep 2023
Thank you for the advice! I'm going to look into getting these things :)
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In your profile, you say mother suffers from Alzheimer's/dementia. In that case, she is NOT of sound mind. Tell the EMTs she has dementia and you, as POA, insist she be taken to the ER. Even if you do not have POA, tell them (privately) she suffers from dementia and you, as her primary caregiver, insist she be taken to the ER. It's better to ask forgiveness than permission.

Enough already with what these elders "want"! You're giving up your life to care for the woman and do NOT want to watch her die in front of your eyes for something that may be fixable. She can go to the ER or the nearest nursing home for care. Her choice.
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Andromedan Sep 2023
I'm only assuming she has Alzheimer's/dementia because I grew up watching my grandmother with it before it killed her, and her mannerisms are becoming very similar. There are times I'll wake up in the middle of the night and she'll just be standing in the middle of the room confused. (she lives with me in a small studio room)
I wish I could get an official diagnosis with her, but I can't with her refusal to get checked by a doctor. :(

It would be okay to say I'm POA even if I'm not just so they take her? Or you think the EMTs would understand? It would be such a dream to get her in front of a doctor.

Thank you for your comment... I never imagined this is how real life was, where someone can be in so much pain and there is literally no help if the person just refuses things. It's so hard.
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In the absence of a call to 911, I would find a local hospice to come in to evaluate.

It seems your mom is not desiring of any treatment and therefore, hospice care is the obvious choice.
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AlvaDeer Sep 2023
Problem here is that an MD has to order hospice
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She no longer has the capacity to authorize or decline medical treatment.
As POA (I am assuming you are) you are the one that will authorize treatment.
When you call 911 you can insist on transfer.
If mom declines there are a series of questions the paramedics can ask to determine if she is cognizant. But if you do have paperwork available that indicates you are in charge of her health and well being they will do as you instruct.
WE..on this forum can not diagnose a medical condition.
Side note...
If mom is on Hospice let the Hospice Nurse know what is going on and when something like this happens you can call the 24/7 number and talk to someone anytime of day or night.
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Andromedan Sep 2023
Is hospice easy to get? Does it cost or does insurance cover it?
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You shouldn't lie about being her POA. That is fraud.
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Andromedan Sep 2023
Good to know, I will not say that!
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Andro, you seem to be a somewhat indecisive person.

Are you interested in saving your mother's life?

Or do you feel it's time to let her go?

Your answer to this really determines how you proceed from this point. Give it some thought.
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Andromedan Sep 2023
It's not that I don't want to save her, but I've been taking care of her for 9 years now and I don't think I can continue doing this on my own. I have my own issues of trying to take my own life, I'm on meds for anxiety and depression. All I do is go to work when I'm not with her and all my money goes to her. I have no life. I just feel like a shell trying to make her life comfortable, with no help because there is no other family, and I have no idea what help I'm able to get her, I have no idea how any of this works.
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Reading more here about your assuming Mom has Alzheimer's. You may be correct, but there would be more symptoms that just refusing medical care. And if this is Alzheimers, and you are not POA, it's too late to have her sign you on as that. But really, if she is not diagnosed but DOES seem to have dementia, then you are going to need to get EMS to take her into the hospital, telling them about symptoms and that she is not responding appropriately. YOu can ham this up a bit with "I think she is having a stroke (heart attack, whatever). When she is at hospital is a good time to call in social services, be certain she is diagnosed. No doctor will hold her, and many would order hospice if tests don't turn out well, but you will know where things are standing. No reason she has to accept treatment, but if she isn't mentally sound there is no reason to let her die at home from something easily treated. Difficult decisions here for you to make.
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Since she appears to be incompetent and you are not POA you would have to petition to become her Guardian.
A call to APS or your local Senior Services center they can evaluate her as to her needs. A Social Worker may start Guardianship proceedings. If you chose to be Guardian you will be appointed but if you do not wish this the Court Will appoint a Guardian. At that point her care will be out of your hands.
If she is taken to the hospital by the paramedics the medical staff will ask about POA. As "next of Kin" you would probably be able to make decisions BUT if you make a decision that they do not agree with then it could become tricky. (for example, If you want to take mom home and if they say she can not be discharge to your care because they do not feel that you are able to handle her care safely they may file paperwork to prohibit you from taking her home)
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Absolutely, she needs to see a doctor. Call 911 where they will hospitalize her and do tests to determine what it is. Think- it could be A-fib which is very serious and can lead to a stroke. Please Don”t wait!
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Hospice is covered by Medicare, Medicaid and most private insurance.
All supplies, equipment would be covered.
A nurse would come at least I time week. A CNA would come at least 2 times a week to give a bath or shower. And to order supplies. All supplies and medications would be delivered to your house.
There is a requirement that Medicare has that Hospice has Volunteers. You could request a volunteer to come and sit while you run out for a bit. They typically will not stay more than 3 to 4 hours. They can not do "hands on" care.
It is always worth a call to see if a person qualifies for Hospice care.
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Andro please don’t have thoughts of taking your life. You are a loving daughter who is completely overwhelmed You need a rest period. I don’t have any good answers but I believe the people on this forum could help you. Suggest starting a new thread explaining how all you do is go to work, give all your money to mom and have no time for your self. After nine years this no longer sub stainable. Ask for help, suggestions and advice. I wish you all the best, you are a good person.
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Me I would call 911 and go from there.

Do you live with her or her with you?

You are in burn out and the only way to stop this is to do something with her so you can regain your life.

Sending support your way
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Andro, are you still with us? Have you called 911?
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I’m so sorry that you are going through the stress with your mother.

You need to take your mother to the ER immediately for diagnosis and treatment as we here on this forum can only speculate as to what’s going on with her medical condition. If your mother does not want to go to the ER by ambulance, you should drive her there.

Try your best to stay strong for yourself and your mother.
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I so hope you called an ambulance and took Mom to the hospital. I hope she spent at least 3 days there so Rehab is suggested and you have her sent there. While she is there you ask for a 24/7 evaluation. If found Mom needs 24/7 care you then tell the Social Worker that you can no longer care for Mom and she will need to transition to Longterm care. Where I live LTC and Rehab are in the same building. If Mom has no money other than her Social Security and maybe a pension, Medicaid can be applied for. If you are living with her, you should be able to stay in the house (its an exempt asset for Mom) under the Caregiver allowance.
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Try to step back and not get too stressed. There is nothing you can do if she refuses help.

This isn't really what you asked, and apologies for diverting but, if she ever does end up going to the hospital, perhaps you should tell them she can't come back to your home as it would be an unsafe discharge, and have them place her someplace. It may seem mean to you, but often caregivers pass away before the people they are caring for due to the stress, and it sounds like you are there. Where would she be if that happens?

Best to claim your life back and have her taken care of by the system, with just you visiting. YOU have to go on living once she's gone, and if you let your health deteriorate too much, that could be difficult indeed.
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The inability to breathe without pain probably explains the exhaustion but there are major things that need to be ruled out along with simple fix things but she needs to see a doctor about it. Perhaps if she struggles long enough she will aqueous or if she doesn’t the decision may be made for her because it will become a true emergency. I would t harp on her but I would consistently say it’s not going to resolve itself and this is one of those ailments that requires medical help. You could also let her know just how frightening and depressing it is for you that she won’t get it checked out. See if she will go have someone look at her for your benefit if she won’t for her own. You go with her so you can both be on alert for a doctor trying to “kill” her.
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Andromedan: Call 9-1-1 posthaste as this could be deemed a medical emergency. As you have stated in your profile that your mother unfortunately suffers from dementia in the form of Alzheimer's, her brain lacks the capacity for logical thinking in regard to her health. We are not medical doctors here on the forum.
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My mother felt that way when she had pneumonia. The dizziness was from her oxygen level being too low and the chest/upper back/side pain happened when she would breathe in. You mother needs to see a doctor and you will probably have to call 911. If her oxygen level is too low they will transport her even if she says no.
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I had an elderly neighbor (90 yrs. plus) who lived alone, but occasionally came to me for various kinds of help. She has children several states away. (I don't recall exactly where).
One night she knocked on my door and told me she "didn't feel well". I couldn't get a specific complaint from her. I took her blood pressure (I'm a retired R.N.), her color and pulse seemed O.K. as well as her breathing. Nevertheless, due to her age, I called 911.

When they arrived, she steadfastly refused to go to the E.R. (They must have her permission unless she seems critical.) But I worried that something would happen to her and I'd feel responsible. She refused to go. I said to her "Look, you were concerned enough to come to me. I think you should go. Let a Dr. see you... "I'm 98", she says, "If I die, It's O.K.". It wasn't OK with me and I told her so! I faked some anger and said, "you want me to stay awake all night worrying about you? Is that what you want? Will you go for MY sake? I don't think you are dying, but if you do, how do you think I'll feel if I send these paramedics away and then you DIE?"

Don't know if a similar approach would work with your Mom or not. My friend was OK and made an appointment with her doc as advised by the ER. I "apologized" to her for the way I acted and we parted as friends. I've now moved away and don't know what has happened to her.
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This post is a week old. I would hope that OP took our advise and took Mom to the ER. It would be nice if the OP updated us.
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AlvaDeer Sep 2023
I would love an update as well.
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Hope things work out. My 90 year old mother won't ever go to a doctor either. When she's had problems I've had to take her to ER. They tell her to get a doctor for future issuses but she refuses.
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In this case, take her an emergency room. She is having cardiac - and possibly respiratory problems. This is a serious issue. As a RN, I can't diagnose the problem online - nor can anybody else - without further evaluation (only available in hospitals). I fear that she will have a cardiac arrest if not treated now.
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Its been two weeks since this post. OP has not returned to update us.
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