My daughter is getting married in 4 months. My MIL lives 7 hours away and is dealing with increasing dementia. She cries on the phone about "why won't ( my son) come and get me and bring me to the wedding?" He has 2 brothers, the oldest cut everyone out of his life 4 years ago and the youngest is living in the Land of Denial. My husband will not tell her that it's just not possible. If it were only an issue of transporting her we could work it out, but she's going to need someone with her 24/7. I'm tempted to keep changing the "date" of the wedding because I know it's just a matter of time before she forgets the grandchildren entirely. I realize that seems incredibly cruel, but I don't know what to do if my husband can't bring himself to tell her it's just not possible to get her here. And I refuse to host this wedding by myself. We should be enjoying this time and I'm just a bitchy wreck right now. Anyone else dealt with this situation or something like it?
Can that person or people accompany her to your town for the wedding and stay with her in a hotel? Personally, my daughter would move heaven and earth to have her grandmother at her wedding. Four months is still a ways off and, of course, her health (mental and physical) could decline, but if she's crying wanting to come, then she's still cognizant enough to know she's being excluded and that has to hurt.
Quite frankly, dementia moves at different speeds. We are on year 7 of having MIL out of her own home and into ours and she still knows everyone. She may not be able to pull everyone's name out of the fog, especially if she doesn't see them regularly, but she knows them. However she can't remember whether or not she ate a meal a few minutes ago. Seriously, she will get up from the table and a few minutes later ask if we are going to eat. My cooking is obviously very memorable.
And this is just my personal observation, take it or leave it. If you are a wreck four months before the wedding, you will have alienated everyone by the big day. NO wedding is worth that. Delegate the details to a wedding planner, don't have a more expensive wedding than you can comfortably afford and ENJOY your time with your daughter before she moves on to a new chapter of her life.
My has some short term memory issues and anxiety issues. It was very important to have the correct medications ...Mom doesn't have real memories of the service etc. But she knows she was there.
One problem we had was the Inn where the wedding and reception took place had handicapped rooms but the beds were WAY TO TALL (really not low beds!) and the floor in the bathrooms was a tile that was not great with walkers.
We should have gotten a roll away bed because it would have been lower. (one more thing to put on my travel list).
Now we are waiting for the birth of her first great grandson (second great grandchild)...my first grandchild, end of April or beginning of May. Something else Mom can live for.
Also you can look into using technology so you Father can see the wedding. A good friend of my son was overseas for the wedding and could not come. Another friend used her cell phone and the friend in Europe got to see the ring bearer run down the aisle in his Kilt and hear and see the vows. Kids (other grandchildren) could organize this fairly easily and someone local to your father could help him with the TV/Appletalk connection on his end. No special connections are really needed other than a WIFI connection.
Check it out.
Then obviously, there is no relationship between them. Do airplanes come into the city you live in?
It was only a six hour drive from our home to the city my daughter lived in (and got married in). Some drove, but her grandparents and great-grandparents flew. Son in Law's grandparents flew cross country. All of us "out of towners" stayed in the same hotel overnight then left the next day. It was so much fun. It'll be 27 years in June, and they're still together.
Glasshalffull, I like the idea of the computer hook-up, though.
Kilts & bagpipes, bet you had a great time. You did have bagpipes, right?
I watched my granddaughter get married on my computer. It was a very small "destination" wedding, and that is how she wanted it. It was nice to see it. She lives close so I see her often.
You are organising the wedding? - so you issue invitations, deal with seating arrangements, provide information about accommodation, transport links, etc. etc.
Your husband, with POA for his mother, is responsible for administering her finances and overseeing her living arrangements to ensure her safety, wellbeing and general quality of life.
The person or persons therefore appointed by your husband to support your MIL in her day to day life, if they are doing their job properly, are responsible for making suitable transport and accommodation arrangements and accompanying her as necessary. In the ideal scenario, they ought to be capable of facilitating her attendance at a major family event if asked to: whether or not they actually are might be a different matter, and in any case it's for your daughter and the family to decide whether or not her grandmother's being there is a priority or not.
But the main point is that the logistical and planning headaches, as per the schedule of responsibilities above, are not your problem. Send MIL her invitation, if that is what your daughter wants. Assist with information if asked. That's your lot.
The broader issue of your husband's finding his POA responsibilities onerous because of the distance needs sorting. But perhaps not right now? And anyway not by you - by him, with your sympathetic support.
She is adult enough to marry, she is adult enough to manage her familial relationships....it only gets more complex with in laws.
Choice A. Relative x and nursing assistant (if needed) will be picking you up. I have made arrangements for you to stay with relative Y and return the next day.
Choice B. I love you so much, and am sorry we cannot work out the care and travel logistics to have you attend. Hubby and I would like to visit you after the honeymoon. We very much want your blessing......plan a weekend and do it.
Choice C. Bride chooses to forget and ignore granny. Not classy, not nice, but not your fault.
If your MIL has not visited for three years because the drive is too much for her, what makes her think that it would be good for her now? My advice is to use the technology hookup if possible, and also to record the ceremony and maybe add some snippets of family members greeting her. Send her a copy that she can watch over and over, because it will be like a new "movie" for her each time. I cannot think that she would enjoy herself at the wedding after such a long drive, and chances are she would not remember it anyway.
With my mother, before she was persuaded to move, she wanted to stay in her house, be safe - which meant be capable of galloping up and down three flights of steep stairs - be by herself and not be lonely. Seemed reasonable to her.
If you're right about the dementia, perhaps it would be best to counsel your husband to take the safety catch off his POA and be ready to pounce as soon as she seems to have lost capacity. That, or hope that something not lethal but serious happens so that you have sound grounds for moving her. But everyday caregiving long distance - unless she's got so much money you can hire masses of help for her - must be like trying to knit with boxing gloves on, I don't envy the poor chap.
Since the ceremony & reception was held at a place that is about 45 minutes from my mom's house, it would be OK travel wise for Mom to go. And initially she was going to be there, with her aide accompanying her. Well, 2 months before the wedding Mom became increasingly anxious about it. I wouldn't bring it up, but she would obsess about it to me and everyone else.
Finally I realized her being there wouldn't be good for anyone, especially her. So we would just say yes he is getting married "later in the year". Not having any grasp of time was a blessing for once. The Monday after he got married I saw Mom. When she brought it up, I then told her he got married the past weekend and it was her choice not to attend because it would be too much. Technically this wasn't a lie, as during some of the many times she obsessed about it she did say that. That appeased her, as did some pics I brought with me.
Oh, it was for the best she didn't go. It was an outdoor ceremony & was unseasonably warm for the last weekend in September. My youngest son, one of the ushers, fainted during his brother's vows. He, accompanied by my husband, spent most of the time in the ER. Though she does love to hear that part of the story!