I am caregiving my daughter who is doing chemo for breast cancer. She lives in MI and I live in Indy. I thought I was coming up for a lesser time than set forth. They are aggressively treating her rare type of breast cancer. At least a year of chemo, breast removal and possible radiation.
I want so much to be with my daughter, but my home is Indy with my husband and his kidney doctors and my own doctors.
I have asked my daughter to move to my home even with her three teen boys. Since they are doing school virtually I don’t see a problem. She refuses to upset their lives. Their lives are upset with not having their mom care for them. She has been staying with me at my mom’s house which I wanted to sell. Now I can’t decide what to do. Do I abandon my daughter to go home or do I chance losing time with my husband? I just lost my mom June 14. I was already in caregiver burnout. Now I don’t feel well. I can’t tell if it’s just being tired. I am healthy and active. I rarely get sick so for me to feel yucky confuses me. How does one decide what to do?
I have to say straight away that I think your daughter is quite right to reject the idea of uprooting her boys. I don't know how long everyone has had to absorb this new information about her cancer? - but the last thing those teenagers need is a total change of environment.
Would you mind clarifying the situation as is? So you and daughter are currently staying at your late mother's house, in ? For how long do you and she expect to be there?
Supposing she heads home once this visit is done. Who will she have at home besides her boys? Husband, other family, friends, neighbours, health care team that she trusts? I don't know, of course, but I think it's very possible it's not just the boys she doesn't want to uproot.
Give it time for plans to fall into shape. Meanwhile, whatever you do, don't add to your anxieties and hers by opposing whatever she wants to do for the time being.
Husband? In-Law? Friends to support her?
If she has a good support system around her in addition to you then you going home to your husband and other family (I am assuming that your other daughter lives closer to you in Indy) she will be alright.
Now I will admit that I have never gone through what your daughter is going through so I may be completely wrong.
You can still visit, long weekends are a possibility although we are getting into winter and the drive could be long and possibly dangerous at times, ya never know when you will get a Lake Effect Snow (those of us in the Lake Michigan area know what they can be like!!!)
If your husband can travel with you on some of these visits that would be great.
I see your daughters side of not wanting to uproot her kids. Even if they are doing remote learning I am sure they are still seeing their friends and they NEED that. They need to be able to talk to their friends about what is going on in their lives and express the fear, anger and frustration they are experiencing.
Talk to your daughter and find out exactly what she wants, what she sees as a balanced alternative. YOU may want to be with her and "help" her through this but what does SHE want?
Seems husband may need you too. Has daughter had her surgery? If so, has she started the chemo? Really, staying there a year is really not feasible when u have a husband that seems to have health problems. Maybe get her through the initial surgery and maybe a couple of treatments. Then you will know how things go. Then tell her she needs to go home to her kids and you need to get back to her father. Put the house up for sale before you leave.
What I would do is see if her insurance allows a Nurse to come and check on her. Some have this benefit.
You're not "abandoning" your daughter (or husband). They know you can only do so much and not like they can split you in two! I'm sure they both love you and understand your being stretched so thin.
If her kids' father isn't around... maybe can look up resources for her in Indiana. Even basic things like a housecleaner once a week or a nurse visit. She isn't the only person who has had family in other states during chemo. If she's involved with a cancer-only medical practice, they might have info on where to get help.
Cancer is horrible for everyone involved. Hang in there.