She is 94. I am 55 and quit my job to move in with her after she broke her hip about 3 years ago when she could not be safely discharged home from rehab. She has progressively gotten more forgetful, to the point that no one can have a normal conversation with her because of all the repeating she does. She is constantly accusing me of calling her "crazy" and angrily yells, hisses or leaves me notes saying, "I still have a brain and I'm not crazy and I can take care of myself." The problem is, she can't. She leaves food on the stove and forgets it until the pan starts smoking up the house and the smoke alarm goes off. She often forgets to take her morning medication that I set out along with her breakfast the night before. I don't have a problem with dealing with that, but if I tell her information that she's forgotten, most times she will start berating me for disrespecting her and how could I do that to a 94-year-old AND my mother? She thinks I am lying to her constantly. It is obvious she needs supervision and at least partial to total assistance with every area of her life, but denies this to everyone. I have no living relatives who will even call her more than a couple times a year because she has always tried to micro-control everyone and lectures everyone about whatever they do, have or say that she personally didn't approve of, repeatedly to the point where nobody wants to even be around her. A couple of people in the family will send a card or call for 10 minutes occasionally. ONE step great grandson will visit once or twice a year for an hour or invite her to a great great grandchild's birthday party occasionally. I can't blame them at all. If you aren't in her good graces, watch out because the rest of the world is going to know of your "misdeeds" Which is another reason no one wants contact with her. So, there's no one but me who will help her or help me care for her. She is accusing me of lying about what she has forgotten and of taking advantage of her by living at her house, not taking her anywhere, although she rarely asks to go anywhere and if she does my husband or I takes her. She says she loves me, but I don't love her and I don't appreciate all she does or has EVER in life done for me. I plan to take her to the doctor this week to discuss her mental status and dreading it because I will never hear the end of it. What do I do now? It's getting worse as time goes on.
His answer was always the same, "As long as you are aware that you have a memory problem, we're not worried!"
At our last visit, my mom's answer was, "My memory is pretty good!" The doctor took me aside and said, "This is really bad. Now she doesn't even realize that she's forgetting. We anticipated that this day would come."
It's really hard when Mom tells me one thing and two minutes later tells me the opposite. I have to fight processing out loud, "But you just said. . . ." I just say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I misunderstood." Otherwise, a fight will follow! She is very defensive.
2 - don't disagree with them. There is no reasoning they will understand. So agree with her, go along with what she says, or help make up excuses for her (like the pan on the stove - say YOU forgot about it ---- then remove the knobs from the stove).
Basically, child proof the home. Add stick on battery operated alarms on the doors that will beep when the door is opened. (we also hang bells on almost every door in the house going from room to room, and use bells and stick on alarms on the doors that go outside)
Relax and do the best that you can. No two days are alike, no 2 patients are alike, but a good geriatric psychiatrist and/or neurologist can help you achieve a better state of emotional balance for your Mom.
(if your mom refuses to see a 'psychiatrist' like most of her generation would do, tell her it is a silly insurance thing that requires ""a"" visit. Most GP's are very good at guiding the visit and easing the concerns of the geriatric patient.)
Best wishes
Teepa Snow has some good videos - google 'TEEPA'S GEMS' - there are 13 just on how to talk to someone with dementia [use of body language etc] - some I have watch more than once - she is the 'dementia whisper'
Doing hands-on care for a parent you do not love and/or who does not love you has never made sense to me. So that is the opinion I express. I expect others who have different views will express them, too.
You are not alone here.
I suggested what she can do now ( move out, and arrange for care) and what she should do in the future, should her mother be hospitalized again.
And yes, I was telling the OP and the other folks who read these posts that there are sometimes solutions other than adult/elder children quitting their jobs to caregiver demented, possibly mentally ill parents.
That was the time to get her into Assisted Living. Just remember that for the next time she goes into the hospital. Please make plans to move out and re-enter the job market.
" Yes, mother, you're right; we've been abusing your hospitality for too long. Husband and I will be moving into our own place June 1. Would you like me to arrange for aides or would you like to tour some Assisted Living facilities?"
But, sigh, you are living with her. She apparently has the beginnings of dementia, adding to her already unpleasant personality. You are taking her to the doctor. Write you concerns about her memory and cognitive declines briefly and get it to the doctor BEFORE the appointment.
If you insist on caregiving this woman, do it right. Read up on dementia and how to deal with repetition, accusations, fabrications, etc. Save your sanity!
For me the behavior hasn't really gotten worse over the years, though her health has gone downhill. I don't have any advice to give. You probably don't need any. I know that sometimes we just need to vent to let some of our frustration out.
My mother also says the thing about her "letting" me live in her house. She also lets on that she pays everything. Brother! It is very belittling when they do that. I do think that it an ego defense thing that lets them feel like the matriarch. If they were to remember that they needed help it would be too much to bear.
Vent away! Some of us know what you're saying. I'm lucky because I have two rooms of my own that I can get away from it. I can also leave the house for a few hours at a time. I'd go crazy otherwise.
Caregiving will only get more constant as your Mom moves along this slippery slope. Leaving meds out isn't working? Hand them to her with a glass of water and watch her take them. I never brought my Mom to a doctor for an evaluation, what would it tell me? That she had dementia -heck I already could see that. I did have a geriatric MD see her since I wasn't happy with the long time physician she was seeing. It was a one time visit to address her G.I systems.
You might read books about dementia (The 36 hour day; Hearing the tales about dementia; etc) Have you seen the Movie "My name is Alice?' Well done and you will see some of your Mom in it.
You are living with your Mom as a caregiver and your role is about to step up - big-time! Visit us often and when it becomes too much, you may need to consider a Memory care facility for Mom.