My future MIL moved in 5 months ago when her husband passed away. She stays in the adjacent bedroom upstairs and the only bathroom is upstairs. I work 45 hrs a week. My fiancee works for himself so spends alot of time caregiving. MIL is walked downstairs at 8:30 a.m., fiancee makes her breakfast (which she could do herself), fiancee assists her to go back upstairs to the bathroom or brings a potty downstairs if he is gone awhile. Anyway, I ask him to have her back up to her room by the time I get home (5:30 pm). I'm exhausted, want alone time with him and get tired of her dirty looks (she gets jealous). He thinks this is 'rude' and feels guilty. Am I selfish?? She has a sofa, table and bed in her large room!! She has a phone, radio and has been offered TV. I want to run away so often because I'm in my 40's and feel intruded upon...I can't even talk at my normal tone because I feel she is always listening. I feel she doesn't appreciate the sacrifices being made or the fact that she gets to live with her son.
See your Fiance on the weekends when you are fresh and ready to handle everything. On the week days, you work, and you need to rest so you can go back to work again the next morning. So, go home. Maybe one night go out with fiance and his mother. The rest of the days, rest up at your house, no added noise, etc....RELAX..
You need to put yourself in your MIL's shoes, see and feel what she is going through.
You asked if you have "reasonable expectations." In a word, no. Caregiving requires great compassion, a certain amount of selflessness and an enormous capacity for sacrifice. I pray that if you ever find yourself in your "future MIL's" situation, you will not be treated like an unwelcome intruder in your own home.
Please try to put yourself in her position, and think of how it must feel.
I think it is important S48, to remember that this is your fiancee's Mother's home. You are her guest. You may need to find your private time in the yard, or in your room. She probably goes to bed early, and your together time would be then.
IF everyone ends up staying in Mom's home, consider putting a bath with roll in access shower downstairs. Then you and son take upstairs. She will eventually have too much trouble with the stairs.
Keep in mind that to some degree, how he treats his mother might be how he will treat you, and how you treat his mother is how you might feel about caring for him. IF you are not able to manage this, and many people are not able, it is important to not pretend to do so. Go back to your house, work with a counselor to figure out what you and your fiancee do next.
Also very important in this is that Mom is grieving the loss of her husband, best friend. This is many times more difficult than the loss of your together time you feel right now. Your fiancee has suffered the loss of his father, and seeing his mother in extreme emotional pain. Many spouses are so filled with grief that they die shortly after the loss of their partner. Your fiancee has this to consider also.
All of these things mean setting aside your own needs for a time, as will future crisis when you are married. If this is not what you signed on for, work out an exit that will not devastate your fiancee. I think being married and resenting your spouse, either one of you, would be hellish.
You are fortunate you do have a home to go back to. You might do this as a breather while you think about your needs, feelings, and capabilities. The only wrong thing in that situation would be to not be your true self.
In the larger sense, I have seen this "movie" before and it has a bad ending...
You may want to consider pulling out..
Only saying.
Bob
At this point, I would suggest open, honest, counseling for everyone.
Good luck!
Mourning is a long time, no timelimit on this one. 5 months, she is still going through the acceptance of her lost one.... don't fight it.. It an take a very long time. Get through this first....
While you are figuring out this mourning period, you are going to experience their mourning moods. Her husband, her son's Father just passed..........!!!!!!!!!!!
Give them both time....TIME TIME TIME....
Give it at least a year.......if you can...Gentle, this is a tough one....Yes, his Mom needs comfort and attention too. Try getting her in adult day carfe, volunteer, social society... something to keep her busy during the day....
You cannot throw compassion, marriage under the rug... Don't, you can lose your son if you do. If you do love her son, you get the whole package... :) Make the best of the situation for now, and move slowly. Loss takes time. You MIL needs time. Best Wishes
I can completely understand wanted to come home to a peaceful abode and having some quiet time; how about you and finance retire to YOUR bedroom and have some down time for an hour or so? I guess my point is that these are the kinds of things that one discusses before they come to pass when you have older parents and grown kids. You need to go out to dinner, or sit with a mediator, and discuss.
Is incontinence her only issue? Why is that and is there a solution to that? Just throwing out some ideas. PS, just got back from Lubec, so yes, I know where Calais is and just how far your homes might be from where you are now!
2. Your expectations at home are reasonable if the other people involved in them see them as reasonable. If they don't, you need to work out a compromise to share expectations, or agree to go your separate ways.
3. If you find another forum to seek feedback, I suggest you explain the entire situation in your first post. For example, where did MIL live 6 months ago?
A widow of five months is fragile emotionally. If you are not prepared to deal with that, it really isn't appropriate for you to be living in her house and making rules for her, no matter how good your intentions.
I'm a bit confused - you said she moved in 5 months ago, but later write "this is her house, although he and I own our own separate homes hours away." If she's in her own home, then I'm not sure how one can ask her to stay in her bedroom after 5:30. Honestly, my mom lived with us and I too was exhausted from work and dealing with Mom, and I still couldn't have asked her to retire to her room at 5:30.
Sounds like time for you and your fiance to go to dinner and discuss the hard questions about what you both see for your future together.
My mom lives with us. Tom and I have been together for 14 years; will never marry. Believe me. If he told me he wanted mom to spend the evening in her room? We'd have a HUGE problem. Of course, he would never do that. We're a threesome. It has its challenges, but mom isn't a second-class citizen here. She's family.
Now that I've looked up a bit and read further information, you should move out of the house if you're not happy. I'm rather surprised your fiance' doesn't suggest it himself. (No offense; but you come off rather selfish.)
EZ Countrymouse. Haha! ;)