My sisters organized a "memorial" lunch for what would have been my father's 85th birthday next week at a pub in trendy little town near by. This is not my mother's idea and drinking will take place. Am I wrong to want to opt out?
Help! My very large family has decided to hold a "memorial" lunch at a pub in a trendy little town nearby. This translate into a large group of very different people who do not blend well together. This is not my mother's idea although she will go along with it. It was organized by my sister and younger sister-in-law because my sister flew in for what would have been my father's 85th birthday next week. He passed away in July with none of them present except me. Neither of my brothers will be there. One is deployed in a war zone and the other is a doctor and probably won't show up. I am not ready for this mass pandemonium and the drinking that will take place. I don't think I can do this yet. I haven't seen most of this group since the funeral and we are not all on good terms. I am my mother's primary caretaker and was at the hospital most of the time with my father. I am still grieving in a very different way from most of my family except my brother who is a doctor. Am I wrong to want to opt out of this? I woke up crying this morning.
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Take your Mom to the memorial. Stay a little while. Then say something like, "I have to do something for Mom." Then spend the day doing something for yourself.
Also, do not allow anyone to "bunk" in with you. Tell them it would just be too hard both caring for Mom and entertaining guests.
You do not owe anyone an explanation about your decisions, nor should they advise you how to grieve.
I'm 90 y/o and can well relate.
.I think some of your questions made me realize what was the most difficult part about the situation (although there are other issues):
My father suffered a great deal simply because family members enabled each other with not facing the truth and his wishes. I was finally asked to make decisions for Dad by the hospital at which my older brother has practiced medicine for over 30 years because he could not let my Dad go even though that's what Dad wanted. I did not tell some of my siblings even after my father died out of respect for the struggles my brother went through due to my family wanting him to make all of the decisions. It was something he had asked my parents not to do to him. He did attend the lunch which made it easier for me. We have a good relationship. Our family became divided during Dad's extended illness because no one wanted to "man up" and face or speak the truth. Since I am a very quiet and gentle person, everyone was shocked that I was also tough enough to do what had to be done.{ They haven't ever taught children. :)} My mother and sisters did not like to deal with the "icky" part of my Dad's long term needs. I am a special needs teacher and it is a daily part of my life, so I was not upset by bodily fluids, etc. At each hospital, hospice, etc, I became close to the nurses and therapists simply because I was there and helped when I could. My mother also asked me to arrange the funeral because no one came home quickly enough to help.Some of you asked about issues with anger. I think I have moved past anger and hurt feelings to a certain degree to the point that I know I don't like or respect some of my family members although I truly love them.I watched them treat most of the year my Dad was ill as an opportunity to party and then discuss it loudly in the waiting rooms of the numerous places Dad stayed. My father would not have been happy about that ,and I did not want this lunch to repeat those times. I have always been a peacemaker but realize I have to maintain my sense of respect, also. My mother changes when the "crew" comes to see her, and becomes verbally combative. I will just have to wait for her to calm down after everything settles down soon. Your concern and suggestions have made me feel more at peace about the situation. It seems that many of you have also experienced similar issues. Thank you for your help! I no longer feel like I am standing on an island by myself.
My dad's funeral was a good one for the most part - my mom acted up a bit at the funeral home, but the service was what Mom and Dad had planned, plus a couple songs that had comforted me on those last few trips, in the Jefferson Memorial Chapel in Pgh., PA that reflected his love of American history. I felt justified in asking a Catholic priest to officiate just because Dad had experessed an interest in converting form Episcopal though he never did actualy get to, and that might have made a few of my Protestant family members a little uncomfortable beforehand but the guy did a great job and stuck a blow for ecumenism which drew compliments when it was all said and done. The family/neighbor dinner was at my Mom's favorite local Italian place, and her best neighbor/friend baked a batch of cookies for all of us, which most of us, especially my diabetic mom, did not really need. And I think that little gathering is what counted most. I went off and did my own little private rituals later. My husband was there too and supportive but laid back; my 22 year old daughter who also attended got a tatooo with his name and dates! My son chose not to attend and I let him off the hook since he'd visited more while Dad was still with us, and he talked more freely about good times they'd had later on after we all got back....
I guess I am saying, don't make people do anything they are super opposed to or uncomfortable with, and let the closest most heart-achy loved ones have something for themselves in their own style too. Just my $0.02.
I suppose I am more practical. In my teens and 20s I did not attend funerals...instead, I spent quality time with my loved ones before they passed. There were grumblings from a few family members, but I felt I owed them nothing....of course, these were the people who never showed up at the hospital or nursing home because it was "too painful" to see their loved one in "that condition."
I do not think doing anything in order to "keep the peace" is a good idea. It usually means that someone ends up being forced into doing something that they do not believe in. And, like RLP, I
would not participate in any "dog and pony show" cooked up by family members who need to express their love publically (there's a touch on NPD in that).
RLP: To each his own...if you want to opt out and honor your father in another way, on another day, then do so. IMHO I would not worry about fulfilling the wishes of your guests...I'm sure your father wouldn't have wanted you to either. Not everyone believes in the same rituals.
this experience helped u realize great deal, accept and see
with more clarity and compassion.
it certainly was a wonderful discussion- stirred up many emotions-
you are a wise and wonderful daughter-
im glad you shared something so personal with us.
I thank you and am very glad u dont feel like u are standing by yourself- because u definately are not -
K
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