My mother and brother who was 67 year old were roommates and he died 7 months ago. She thinks that he is still in the hospital and keeps asking me to bring him back. I keep telling her that he is unwell. I have been lying to her to save her from agony. She is getting frustrated. Any advice?
Those with dementia live their own reality that has no basis in truth or the life they have lived and experienced. It is cruel treatment to try to get them to understand another's reality. It will not happen ever.
But the OP's mother is not travelling back in time in this way. Until just a few months ago, she *was* sharing accommodation with her son, and now she isn't, and not unreasonably she wants to know where he is.
Zeenna, ask for help with this very difficult situation from an experienced bereavement counsellor - the facility should be able to recommend one, and if not they can certainly put you in touch with a hospice organisation who definitely will.
For my Mum, she only needed to mourn my Dad once not every time she asks about him.
Should you tell your mother about your brother? If she has dementia or Alzheimer's, no.
My dad and mother-in-law both have Alzheimer's and Dementia. They both seem to remember what they choose to remember. My mother died in January. Although my mother and father hadn't seen one another in almost a year due to the illnesses of both. I still told him the day she died, which was in early January. To this day, he asks me about her at every visit. I tell him the truth and he breaks down, again. My family has always been honest with one another and although it is difficult for me, as well, I tell him everything and usually at every visit, which is at least once a week, many times 2 & 3 times a week.
With all that said, you have to think about, not only how it will affect her, but also you! My dad is crying less and being upset less by the news, so I suppose it is finally sinking in and he is understanding more.
A close death, like a wife, mother and the most difficult, a child, is not something that is easily dealt with anytime or under any conditions. I guess what I am trying to say, is do what you believe in your heart, your mom would want you to do. How would you feel, if one day she realized and understood, and you hadn't told her?
Ask yourself some hard questions. Can you handle the possibility of days, weeks or months of helping her understand? Has your family kept secrets from one another in the past?
Every family is different, every mother is different, every child is different. Only your family truly knows the answers to what a dementia family member wants to know and can handle.
Go with your heart and your gut. You have the answer. Some days, it is harder for the caregiver and we have to make the difficult decisions.
Good luck zeena2000! And know you are not alone!
Her stage of dementia should determine if telling her is a good idea.
If she’ll forget that her son has died over a period of time, why tell her only to have to repeat the news and have her go through the pain all over again?
My father in law has some good days where he is lucid and able to process information given to him in conversation or from tv but by the following day, he’s forgotten most or all of everything he learned or that happened so telling him something as heartbreaking as a loved one passing is pointless.
If you’ve spent any amount of time with your mom recently, you already know if she is able to handle this news.
Good luck and I’m terribly sorry for your loss.
My mother-in-law has some issues and nobody is really sure what they are. She'll be her normal, cranky self most of the time but then she has occasionally had a complete break with reality. This has been happening for about a month now, she has been hearing voices and seeing things and even told my husband that he's stupid if he can't see the people. All that to say, her daughter died just over a week ago and we haven't told her. A doctor told me that she probably couldn't process it anyway.
In her case, she believes SO MUCH that isn't true. Some of it is harmless, some of it is bad, like my husband was in jail, her other son keeps flying in from out of state but won't see her, someone is trying to kill her...we felt like not telling her about her daughter was the best thing. If she gets better, we'll tell her.
It was part of a pattern that one of the nurses told me about. She would tell the nurse, "I need to get my little girls to the dentist." The nurse replied, kindly, "Your little girls are all grown up now, and they can get themselves to the dentist." Mom responded, "Oh. OK!"
I wish you luck with this very sensitive issue. I will never know whether I handled it in the best way, but I tried to do what felt right.
"Dementia care experts recommend stepping into your senior’s reality rather than trying to correct them or bring them back into ours. That’s because their brain is steadily losing the ability to process information. Forcing them to join us in the “real world” only causes confusion, anxiety, fear, and anger.
This technique takes some getting used to because going along with your senior’s new reality can feel like you’re lying to them. But the reality is that honesty is not always the best policy when it comes to someone with dementia."
"Most of us are taught from a young age that any kind of lying is horrible and dishonest. On top of that, we’re told never to lie to parents, spouses, and people we love and respect. So when we hear about lying to someone with dementia, it seems cruel and wrong.
But always sticking to the truth, especially about an emotional subject, is what’s most likely to cause your older adult pain, confusion, and distress.
Plus, their problems with short-term memory mean they probably won’t remember the conversation, so it will come up again. Telling the truth each time forces them to experience the fear and anxiety over and over again.
The disease prevents people from properly processing and retaining information. Is it necessary to cause them so much distress, especially when the truth you tell them is likely to be misunderstood or quickly forgotten?"
Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone With Dementia - DailyCaring.com
If she is in assisted living or a nursing home, the first person I would talk to is the unit social worker or family liaison. This person can help you decide on whether your mother should be told--and if she is told, how to go about doing this in a compassionate and caring manner. They'll put together a game plan and make sure all her caregivers are on the same page of the playbook.
If she is being cared for at home and has an elder care coordinator--which can be either a social worker or a nurse--I would talk to that person about this. Having someone who has professional training, who is familiar with what's wrong with her and what she might be able to handle is invaluable. That way, if you decide to tell her, you have backup and a plan in place for what to do if she takes the news badly.
If you are handling her care and don't have a social worker or nurse to talk to, I would advise you to use your best judgement. Trust yourself and whatever you decide to do will be done with her best interest in mind.
She is obviously upset now, so at least she will have closure.