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Marcella, now if these relatives were the kind that would swoop in to your house, bring all the food & do all the preparations themselves, I would say YAY. If they would come and clean your house before, during and after their stay, I would say YAY. But since that's probably something that they never even considered, then I would tell them this. 'If you decide to come ahead, even though I told you that I can't handle any more stress, I will be going to a hotel and be leaving mother behind for you'all to take care of'. 'I will come to the holiday dinner, but then I'll be needing to leave soon after'. Do you think they'd still come? NOT.
I think I'd tell those family members that their expectation to be house guests does not make you happy. And I'd go on to say that I feel offended by their intrusive insensitivity to the realities that you are presently dealing with of which they are already fully aware. So, go check in a hotel like a lot of out of town family members do and don't expect to eat at home with you.
Who are these intrusive, boundary bashing relatives? They sound like the type that I would not want in my home anyway relative or not relative.
When I moved in with mom I rearranged the house to accomodate her walker, wheelchair, potty chair, etc. to make it easier for us. In doing so, a lot of furniture was put in storage, the dining table was downsized, and Ma's room was put next to the living room. With no extra chairs, family ("guests") do not feel as welcome, and those that insist on staying HAVE to sleep near Ma, thus hear all of her restlessness, and talking in her sleep. Those that came for Thanksgiving were directed to help Ma with whatever she needed (since I was "busy"), then they ended up eating either standing up, or on the back porch (it was about 60 degrees). Nobody stayed long afterwards, and there has been NO mention of being here for Christmas. I may not win any awards for being the best Martha Stewart type hostess, but my priority is the comfort of one little 94-year-old (who doesn't remember these other people) and the 2 of us who care for her 24/7 (whom she also doesn't remember sometimes). The others can "get over it", as it works for me. Good luck and Peace.
You know, caregivers most often think no one else can take care of their parent/whomever's needs. Since these are your mother's children as well, she should be happy to see them....I still think you need the break and go spend the nights in a hotel is the answer! Give them a crash course in what mama needs, pack your bag, and say I will join you for dinner tomorrow! It's TOO much to take on all alone, your mom may do well having the break too....If she doesn't do well, don't worry, be a call away....Try it!
OMG...if I hear of one more sibling (or groups of siblings) acting inappropriately I will become unglued (not much "glue" left anyway.) I understand that one cannot fathom the full extent of caregiving unless they have experienced it. On the other hand, we are all over the age of 9 and any adult in their right mind would have to know what an inconvenience it is to add to your "guest" list. It sounds as if you plan to hold your ground. Good for you. Caregivers by the very nature of the word are "givers." So we nod and say yes to even the most unreasonable demands just to "keep the peace." For me, personally, it is making me more resentful and short-tempered. I used to be this laid back person...now I do not even recognize myself...it's just exhaustion. Maybe the answer is to draw the line in the sand and not let anyone cross it. If they become upset with you...they will get over it. Also, as many have said above, tell them, "oh, Mom would love to visit with you, when can you come stay with her?" Then listen for the sound of crickets in the distance. Sorry if this note is a little "edgy" but I was just regaled with my Mom's praise of my no-where-to-be-found sibling. And you, my dear, have heaps more on your plate than I. In light of the upcoming holidays, I wish you (and everyone here) some respite from these dark,stressful days. Peace, Lilli
Plain and simple "No, that isn't possible, but I will miss seeing you". Clearly, they don't understand or don't care. The fact that they are offended IS offensive. Keep your response short and sweet, but very firm and do not waiver. Good luck and enjoy your holidays as best you can. You are doing a very hard job.
Any family member who becomes "offended" that their sib cannot accomodate their stay is either woefully out of touch or cheap...either way, it is not the primary caregiver's problem. I noticed the family did not say to Marcella: "we'll come so you can take a break," or organize a function outside her home and offer to do errands etc. In most every family one member steps up while others step way back. The "me against them" mentality is not generated by the caregiver but by absentee sibs who are more than happy to look the other way. ljk: "a large dose of forgivness" would not be necessary if all sibs pitched in to help. You can do things, both big and small, to help whether you live in the same town or even across country. At the very least, contact your parent on a regular basis, offer to come stay on a monthly or even yearly basis, call the caregiver and ask (not tell) what you can do to help. Marcella owes her family no excuses or even "diplomacy" if they are rude enough to insinuate themselves on an already brutal situation. All armchair family members need to become FULLTIME caregivers, with all it entails, for a LONG period of time before they can judge anyone's actions.
Dear Marcella, I feel your pain. My 89yr. old dad has only been with us for 3 weeks but it feels a lot longer. My 3 older and 1 younger sisters have seen him 1 time since then. I had the same issue for Thanksgiving, my sister and her daughter decided to stay to "help" (by the way they only live 30 minutes away). Some help, my sister didn't lift a finger, left my son's room a mess with newspapers all over the floor and my niece was texting the whole time she was here. What I would say to your family is, "it's very nice you want to spend time with Mom, so I will give you all the time you need and I'll make the supreme sacrifice and go to a hotel for the night!" Believe me, they will think twice before they pack an overnight bag. I hope you enjoy your holidays.
I am anticipating a visit like this in the Spring. I am thinking about saying to them that its great that they will be here with our 94-year-old Mom. (she lives with me now) I will ask them for a date so that I can plan for time away at that time. I want to let them know that this will provide private time with Mom for them as well as much needed respite for me. This will be very hard thing for me to say, since I'm not assertive nor confrontational, Mom can be difficult and manipulative, and previous calls for help have been blown off by my siblings. Advising me to play Parcheesi with her is the nearest offer of help or advice I've had from them. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. This site has done remarkable things for my sanity! And I am very thankful for that!
First, you have every right to take care of yourself, if you are worn out, you can't even care for your mother. In your situation I would give myself permission to tell family members you would love to see them but that you have all you can handle at home. Tell them you will assist them by giving them names of appropriate hotels/motels nearby.....maybe there is an extended stay motel within reasonable distance? That way they can cook meals for themselves. I would be kind and polite but FIRM in stating that they will have to make their reservations and also plan to eat at least two meals a day in restaurants. If they come for dinner, they need to bring in food and do the cooking...and the clean up before going back to their hotels/motel. Be clear and be firm, keep it kind and polite but make sure they know exactly what to expect....no overnights and only one meal a day at your home....they provide food, cook it and clean up. It's okay to give yourself permission to stay well and happy...! God bless you, just do it!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Who are these intrusive, boundary bashing relatives? They sound like the type that I would not want in my home anyway relative or not relative.
Stand firm with your boundaries.
Those that came for Thanksgiving were directed to help Ma with whatever she needed (since I was "busy"), then they ended up eating either standing up, or on the back porch (it was about 60 degrees). Nobody stayed long afterwards, and there has been NO mention of being here for Christmas.
I may not win any awards for being the best Martha Stewart type hostess, but my priority is the comfort of one little 94-year-old (who doesn't remember these other people) and the 2 of us who care for her 24/7 (whom she also doesn't remember sometimes). The others can "get over it", as it works for me.
Good luck and Peace.
It sounds as if you plan to hold your ground. Good for you. Caregivers by the very nature of the word are "givers." So we nod and say yes to even the most unreasonable demands just to "keep the peace." For me, personally, it is making me more resentful and short-tempered. I used to be this laid back person...now I do not even recognize myself...it's just exhaustion.
Maybe the answer is to draw the line in the sand and not let anyone cross it. If they become upset with you...they will get over it. Also, as many have said above, tell them, "oh, Mom would love to visit with you, when can you come stay with her?" Then listen for the sound of crickets in the distance.
Sorry if this note is a little "edgy" but I was just regaled with my Mom's praise of my no-where-to-be-found sibling. And you, my dear, have heaps more on your plate than I.
In light of the upcoming holidays, I wish you (and everyone here) some respite from these dark,stressful days.
Peace,
Lilli
ljk: "a large dose of forgivness" would not be necessary if all sibs pitched in to help. You can do things, both big and small, to help whether you live in the same town or even across country. At the very least, contact your parent on a regular basis, offer to come stay on a monthly or even yearly basis, call the caregiver and ask (not tell) what you can do to help.
Marcella owes her family no excuses or even "diplomacy" if they are rude enough to insinuate themselves on an already brutal situation. All armchair family members need to become FULLTIME caregivers, with all it entails, for a LONG period of time before they can judge anyone's actions.
I feel your pain. My 89yr. old dad has only been with us for 3 weeks but it feels a lot longer. My 3 older and 1 younger sisters have seen him 1 time since then. I had the same issue for Thanksgiving, my sister and her daughter decided to stay to "help" (by the way they only live 30 minutes away). Some help, my sister didn't lift a finger, left my son's room a mess with newspapers all over the floor and my niece was texting the whole time she was here. What I would say to your family is, "it's very nice you want to spend time with Mom, so I will give you all the time you need and I'll make the supreme sacrifice and go to a hotel for the night!" Believe me, they will think twice before they pack an overnight bag. I hope you enjoy your holidays.
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