I do not want to be my Mom's caregiver. Any advice?

Rosie, my mom neglected her teeth and never went to the dentist after my father died, and I just didn't notice I had never taken her. When she finally got a toothache the local dentist said most of her remaining teeth needed to go, they were beyond repair. She booked an appointment at a dental surgeon which was about an hours drive from my mom's place, but since I didn't live with mom then it was more like a 2 hour trip for me into an unfamiliar area. Anyway, I started calling local dentists for a consult and luckily found one who had worked with nursing home residents and was very kind and knowledgeable. He did the extractions with a local anaesthetic, repairing and preserving 6 front teeth in order to affix a new lower denture. That was when mom was about 90. I think you said your mom needed 14 teeth extracted, I don't know if it would be possible to do that many without being put under, but it can't hurt to get some second opinions, even if it is just a few questions over the telephone.

Thank you all for the most helpful suggestions and replys. I will be going with her to see her medical doctor in a few weeks, then to meet with her dentist. I will definately be taking the advice of many of you that have offered assistance. She really wants this done and I think I could be more on board if I knew there was some way to handle it without the sedation issue and I knew she would be monitored in a safe place while on pain medication. Does anyone out there have additional knowledge, other than the great information I have already received, of other ways beside sedation and what this sedation could do to her long term. Thank you all again. You're like a very supportive group of friends and I thank you for that.

Rosie, these are all excellent answers and I hope they help you "see the light". I think JeanneGibbs' letter sample is an excellent strategy, and encourage you to use it - and, as she recommends - send it registered mail so there is NO opportunity for "misunderstanding"!

Please let us know how this works out!

Your question about doing to the procedure in hospital is valid. I seriously question the competency of a dentist who would risk anesthetizing a 90 year old patient and not insist on hospital post-procedure monitoring for a day or so.

Is her doctor clearing her for the procedure? How medically necessary is this, or is it cosmetic?

Who is taking her to the dentist? I would not.....

I agree w you, at her age I would worry about the effect of the anesthesia.

If she is competent and has the wherewithal lot get herself to the DDS, Tell her she will need to go to a facility for the convalescence, you cannot handle this.

Rosie, if your mother is competent to make her own medical decisions, then having her teeth removed is up to her. What is up to you is whether you will care for her while she is convalescing for "3 days."

Make it absolutely clear that YOU will not be providing the care. You don't need to explain why. You have good and sufficient reasons. A registered letter to the dentist with a copy to your mother should make your intentions clear. Something along the lines of ...

Dear Dr Smith

I understand that you are intended to remove some of my mother's teeth and that there will be a convalescence period afterward. I want to make it clear that I am not able to provide that needed care, in case she has said something other than that. I hope you can help her make arrangements for whatever she will need after the surgery. She cannot count on family help for this purpose.

Sincerely,
Rose Doe

You cannot do what is expected of you. Make that clear to the people with the expectations.

Good luck! And let us know how it works out.

Jessiebelle, I thought part of your answer to this question where you mentioned older people don't like having people come in to help care for them... Except the people they know and want. I truly think this is all about getting their way, why have to deal with a stranger when you can be a little bit manipulative and have your favorite person by your side instead, regardless of their responsibilities in addition to you. I have never seen such selfishness in anybody than I have seen in my own father in the last decade. It's a terrible thing but they just don't care about anybody but themselves when they get to the point where they realize that most of their life is behind them now. maybe they're seeing you live your life in a way they wished they had. I know my father has a need to live vicariously through my husband. he seems to vacillate between genuine interest and jealousy. The jealousy manifests as anger and an abundance of complaints, and also that " I could have done it better at your age" or "back when I was young I did this that and the other and still raised kids" sort of comment. my husband just told me my dad asked him about getting a tattoo. My husband has a few Marine Corps related tattoos.It would be completely inappropriate for my father to get a Marine Corps tattoo at 87 years old when he has never been involved in combat. anybody who knew anything would know it was a roos. it's enough that my husband got daddy a Marine Corps Ball cap and a jacket like the cops wear. daddy feels so proud when he wears those things. anyway this all comes down to manipulation and the elderly relative taking advantage and not trying to make it easy on the family but rather make it easy on himself.I never thought my dad would be that guy. I am so disappointed and it makes me sick to take the parent role, but he has put me in that position even though he promised me he would never put me through anything like this when he got older. That all went away. Good luck with your situation. Thanks for listening.

Sometimes when I take mom places, she tells people like her doctor, that I am a good nurse. Or that I am her nurse. I just smile, but inside I feel like running.

Rosie, sometimes when people become elderly and are dealing with some dementia, they will do more than most to get attention. They are bored and lonely, and even with dementia they are very manipulative sometimes and pretty wiley considering the circumstances. hopefully your mom doesn't really desperately need this work done, that is very invasive for an elderly person, they just don't heal as well as younger people. I agree with the person who said you should explain to your mom that she will have to pay for it, & I would ignore the dentist telling you it will only be three days. Your mom could very well end up needing ongoing care for months. she could end up needing hospitalization. someone is going to have to puree her food and possibly feed it to her. Remember the dentist won't be anywhere around when all that is going on. she will absolutely need to be on some pain medication which can cause all sorts of problems with the elderly.My dad has a very odd "man crush" on my husband and will do anything to get him to spend time with him. my dad is 87 years old and a few months ago he decided to have tear duct surgery..because his eyes watered occasionally. A surgery he had had once before unsuccessfully, but a decade ago so he didn't remember the pain or recovery time even then.I begged my dad not to do it I told him his body will not recover as quickly now as before. He has all sorts of heart and circulation issues and I couldn't believe a doctor was willing to do the surgery at all but they put him in a surgery center it was like a cattle call. the doctor was there and gone within a half an hour and I heard did 7 more surgeries that very day. and despite my begging my husband not to get involved as he had just had a heart attack 2 months before... All related to his stress level because he is 50 years old and a former Marine and pro athlete, so he just needed to kick back for a while and not be bothered with stressful things. Of course my angel husband agreed to drive my dad. they were there all day long and finally after my dad losing control of his bowels and bladder all over the table, yelling at all the nurses and my husband, but still insisting my husband stand right next to him for 7 hours, they could not get his blood pressure down and kicked him out of the surgery center saying they didn't have any life saving capabilities and that they have never before dealt with anybody even close to my father's age. My poor husband had to drive my now very angry and abusive dad to find an emergency room ...of course daddy was very forthcoming with driving directions that would have ended them up on the North Pole, oh daddy. at the ER after rush hour traffic ,they wanted nothing to do with Daddy either because of his age, so they told my husband to just take him home and stay with him. these health care people don't give two damns about you or your moms life as long as you take mom with you when you go. I would simply explain to your mother that you think the potential side effects are not worth it at this point. or at least get a second opinion if you want to go through with it all.12 - 14 teeth is extreme at best. Putting a 90 year old under sedation for such invasive surgery is an accident waiting to happen.I would immediately question why they would want to do that many teeth at one time on someone that age. if you have time I would go have a face to face...or get the most impressive friend you have to go on your behalf maybe have them carry a briefcase and wear a suit jacket "acting" as your attorney/friend and just say they were on their lunch break and wanted to check in with regards to mom. nothing more feared by an overly eager dentist than an attorney. you mentioned mom lives in a very bad neighborhood does that mean she doesn't have the finances for all this work? Do you know if the dentist is trying to get ahold of a quit claim deed to her property? do you know if she has any money put away that the dentist knows about?? he could be planning to put a lien on anything she owns. He could get her to sign it and tell her anything. I don't trust anybody anymore. Every time I turn around I uncover somebody who stole from my parents in some way. elderly people tend to feel embarrassed asking for advice when it comes to large financial decisions. It makes them feel infantalized, funny how they don't worry about invading our entire lives in every other way. My MIL recently told me it's very hard for her to remember what it was like to have a job and be busy. she has to force herself not to call 3 or 4 times a day. God bless her she is very respectful of our time. And these people want attention and some of them will actually choose to have elective surgeries in order to ensure constant company and attention from their chosen people. Of course they don't want a nurse. They want you. my dad now wants to get his knees replaced. He is 87 and has had that done before as well, it didn't help at all. what makes him think he would survive that now?! Sometimes we just have to say no. Please forgive me if this is in fact a bonafide problem that needs addressing. it still doesn't mean you should go into debt, or go insane to make it happen.I know I sound very severe, but being a caregiver over the last couple of decades has destroyed any sense of humor I have. I'm happy to hear at least one person is willing to look out for herself and not let this situation take you down. you deserve the life your mom gave you and she would want you to live it if she had your best interests at heart. I wish you both the best I really do. Please take heed and learn from my mistakes, if my time spent on this website saves one person the unending nightmare my life has been for the last 20 years, it's worth it to me. Take Care.

Good for you, Nancy! It's not easy saying No.

I will tell you a story that happened to me. 6 months before my father died, my mother called me and said :your father is unbearable to live with, I am coming to stay with you." I said. You know we don't get along." she said so you won't let me come and live with you?" I said no. She hung up and neither one of us mentioned it again. some times you just have to say "I just don't have it in me to do this, or to deal with you in a positive way. My mother was horrible to me most of my life, and expected me to take in her. No way, sorry but I moved 6 hours away, to find my self esteem, self worth and self respect. Sometime we just have to say No to family members, for our selves.

I don't feel guilty over these types of situations. We as children, don't ask for any of this... create the situations, or have a contract that states we have to handle their lives or else suffer shame. I'd do my best to change her mind, but after that, let it go. We're not put on this Earth to be miserable.

^^^ oops, I meant Rosie, not Kimber.

[too bad we can't edit after the fact on this website]

Kimber, I know how the guilt can overwhelm you, it happens to me daily. Thank goodness I am not hands-on care because I am one of those people not cut out to be a caregiver but am great at logistics but there is still that panic of the guilt.

Has hard as it will be tell your mother "no, I just can't do that".... and if she insists on having that dental work done then you will find her a 24-hour Caregiver to be with her while she recovers, but she would be responsible for paying those Caregivers.....

That's one time I learned in therapy dealing with my folks, if they insist on living on their own without any outside help, then they have to deal with the responsibility that comes with being on their own.

Rosie - I'm not sure how I see this is your problem. You live and work a long distance away. Your mom, as a competent adult, is making a bad decision - but it is hers to make. Likewise, it is her responsibility to manage her after procedure care. She and her dentist need to address this - it isn't your problem. If she has been asking/expecting you to take care of her "I'm not able to do that". Thanks

Why not have her get the procedure in the hospital. While she is there have the doctor do some routine test (all hospital love to add to the bill) see is they could keep her for those three days. Years ago I had wisdom teeth and 4 back teeth removed and had it done it the hospital I stayed 1 days and healed quickly. However, being 90 she would require monitoring of her condition afterward. I would all the doctor and talk to him, about keep her in the hospital for 3 days as a preventive thing. Best of luck. Nan

Has she any savings at all, is it possible that she can be booked into a facility for convalescent care for a week or two following the extractions? This is becoming more common for even "minor" procedures, in fact some doc's are even beginning to insist upon it before they will proceed.
Alternatively, would she agree to come and stay with you for a few days? Its too bad the dentist has his head up his *$$, he could insist if she is resistant.

Rosie, you could hire someone to come in using your mother's money. Let her know that it is the only way this is possible, that there are no other options. Good luck. I don't know why older people don't want people coming in. I wouldn't mind it at all if someone came in to help me here.