We are wanting just the 4 of us at the table, not caregiver as it is family time. We offered her off from 2-9 pm to go back to city and be with friends. She was hurt saying they all had plans. We have concerns with her anyway which we spoke with her about last night. The main one is her flirtatious behavior with my husband. My mother, her charge, wad the first one to notice it and she is bothered by it. My husband who is pretty naive to this does see it. The worst part is whenever I walk into the room she abruptly goes into another room like she feels guilty. I feel disrespected in my home. My husband mentioned this to her and naturally she denied that. She said she isnt "as close" to me because I am direct. My personality is direct and. not easy-going like my husbands. Most people would appreciate a direct personality as they know where they stand. I have always been nice to her. She takes offense when I tell her to do something differently with my mother. I've told her, as has my husband, we are following the doctors orders or rehabs instructions. The list goes on. My mother is 85, I am 56, my husband 52 and the caregiver is 40. She dresses in tight yoga pants, off the shoulder sweaters and leg warmers. My husband is very good looking. I trust my husband with all of this. Oh, and last night she told me that "any young woman who came into your home would flirt with your husband because he is a very good looking man".
Ufortunately she is the best we have had-we have had liars, people stealing, one getting naked in the shower with my mother, none previously who would cook (everything was fried in gallons of olive oil), one that said, when looking at our dogs she ATE dogs.
So obviously there are a lot of issues here but what I want to know now is it rude to just want the family at the Thanksgiving table?
Sorry for the soap opera but I wanted to supply a background.
Thank you for any suggestions.
Susan
Do not second guess yourself.
How dare she intrude upon your family holiday or act the way she is.
Is she with a company? They are supposed to wear a uniform of sorts. (I reported mine that showed up in strappy pajamas)
also if she is with a company, they pay them time and a half to work, another reason she would push you to have her there.
No, the others were from companies and were horrible. She does not get time and a half however she could have had 7-8 hours off with pay. She does 't have much to do. Basically it is doing my mother's laundry as my mother is incontinent or night. She needs transfer and assist help and simple meal preparation. She had a huge fall risk so someone needs to be there every time my mother gets up to use her walker. They need to walk beside or behind her. They assist her with her shower but she's basically able to do those things with someone standing there. There was no heavy work there is no listing there is nothing exhausting or even tiring except for the fact that you need to be near her so you can help her when she wants to get up and take a walk around the house or walk into the bathroom or go from downstairs to upstairs. We have a chair going up the stairs for that.
Strappy pajamas? What are these people thinking? The one to work for the agency's never had a uniform. One wore a white sheer top and white sheer, long pants with a thong underneath.
I see manipulation in a guilty conscious.
Bear with me. My story's almost over. I was going to evict him from the house. (He was/is an 87-year-old jerk.) When I talked to the lawyer about him and told him what I wanted to do, my attorney said, "Maggie, that's not who you are. That's who you're letting this guy turn you into. Don't do that."
It's the first thing I thought of when I read your post. Don't become a person who would insist someone spend Thanksgiving alone. Hell, I'd invite a complete STRANGER to our Thanksgiving table.
Offer her the day off with pay, beginning the night before. If she doesn't want to go to see her family with that incentive, then she really is alone. Right now, she's mom's caregiver. She deserves your family's consideration.
Replace her after Christmas. In the meantime, be the giving generous person I know you are, and do the gracious thing. I cannot IMAGINE you would ever regret it.
Thank you again. It sounds like you really made an about face with your situation; I am glad it worked for you.
First I would issue her a uniform. There are affordable scrubs in catalogs and at Walmart. Tell her that you will reimburse her up to $50 and she needs to start wearing the uniform by the end of the year. That's a clear message that things will change starting in the New Year.
Next, the training. She is taking care of your mother; therefore, it's your way or the highway. Learn to say "I need you to do it this way" and follow-up so she knows that you want to make sure she understands how you want something done.
Let her know that you are the one who will be giving her a reference should she choose to move on. That reference can either be that she was professional or that she was difficult to train. Either way you want to make some changes and it's only fair that she be informed of what changes she needs to work on. This needs to come from you and not your husband. When she does talk to your husband he needs to learn to say "Because my wife wants it done this way" or "Ask my wife for how she wants you to do it." You don't say who pays her but it should be you.
This is a power situation. She is testing the waters. Her inappropriate behavior is seeing what she can get away with. She is hired help. There's others out there and if all fails and she won't conform then it's time to part ways. I'm just thinking about how much time and energy you've already invested into getting what you want out of this person who, for all her faults, isn't a liar, thief, or pervert. I wish you lots of luck and I hope you'll tell us how it turns out.
I'm assuming you've never been in a supervisory position at work?
I can't help getting the feeling that the caregiver may perceive your "direct" approach as overbearing, as may have others, and these dynamics underlie the relationship between you and this family.
I would also think that taking the attitude that Thanksgiving is for your family only is kind of cold and rude.
Something else I've noticed from posts here on interaction with caregivers is that the family is not skilled in handling employee relations, and treats the caregiver as a servant might have been treated in the old manor houses: Upstairs vs. downstairs.
Being an employer doesn't necessarily come naturally; I learned the hard way when I had to supervise someone at work - it's often a balance between being a friend and being firm as an employer, yet still with panache and sensitivity.
You might want to think this whole situation over, invite her to Thanksgiving, or at least prepare a meal for her. Smooth over the relationship, and lay the groundwork for better interaction to address other issues of concern, such as her dress style. From what you've written, I frankly would find your approach overbearing and rude.
As to the flirtatious behavior, she might have developed this as part of caregiving. It's not unusual to see this with medical and caregiving people who've dealt with older people - sometimes flirting can be confused with cajoling. However, there is a certain amount of flirting with older men that I've seen by medical staff and it is harmless. You could also just mention it to her, privately, but not in the direct manner that you say is your style.
You wrote that she "takes offense" when you tell her to do something differently. Why not take a collaborative approach, discuss the issue, explain your position, ask hers, and try to arrive at a conclusion, so that BOTH of you feel your opinions are respected. I can't imagine that she feels respect based on what you've written.
I think the dog comment is a reflection of how much you were disliked and/or resented by that caregiver, based on what you've written about the "interaction" with them.
Again, since there have been so many caregivers who have come and gone, I think you could benefit from analyzing your approach and treating this woman with the respect to which an employee is entitled. If she doesn't change, start documenting as an employer would.
I want to add something else. You wrote "Most people would appreciate a direct personality as they know where they stand." That's true for some people, but it's also true that people want to be treated with respect in that process.
And do it gently - I've had employers who mastered this and were very successful in employee relationships. Blunt ones didn't get very far and were the ones who had the most trouble find employees who would stay on a long term basis. In fact, I worked for one attorney who was so direct that it bordered on rudeness. He set a record for short term professional staff - over a period of several years, no one stayed longer than 6 months with one exception. That's highly unusual for attorneys to jump ship like that.
As for Thanksgiving, I let the agency know a week ahead of time that I needed someone to be there for the two shifts on Thanksgiving, yes she/he will be paid time and a half being they are giving up their holiday with family. And if I had planned a Thanksgiving dinner, I would have invited the Caregiver. Instead, the Caregiver wants to take my Dad to Cracker Barrel for a Thanksgiving meal, and that is great :)
I going to have to ask, what kind of living arrangements are there in your home? Does this caregiver have her own separate apartment or suite where she can spend her off time, or would she be expected to hide herself in a bedroom on the holiday without having access to the shared living spaces, including kitchen and bathrooms?
And is she on call 24/7, or does she get set hours, because she should be able to wear whatever she likes on her off hours, although there is nothing wrong with expecting more professional attire during her duty hours.
She does gave friends about 40 minutes away she was invited to for Thanksgiving. We need her part of the day as I do all the cooking and baking for tge holiday and need someone with my mom. We offered her paid time off from 2-9.
I will have a further talk with her-no flip charts though! Ha ha. And I will start out with honey not vinegar.
I will take everyones suggestions and use what I can.
Thank you again
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
I have no qualms with however you decide to spend your holiday. To me, that's a personal decision and you are not obligated to include an employee. I don't think I would expect that type of invitation from an employer, but I have never worked in the healthcare field.
HOWEVER,
What concerns me the most is the the statement she made to you about your husband being so good looking that any woman in your home would flirt with him. THAT comment would do it for me. Regardless of her abilities, that comment alone demonstrates an unprofessional attitude that I could not get past. I'd have to make other arrangements. When people tell me who they are, I listen.
This one needs to go, she is a danger to your marriage. Men are very easy to seduce even if they don't look for trouble, no bra and half a shirt are hard to resist by even the most secure family man. I know been there done that or should i say have it done to me. Suggestive remarks are the tip of the iceberg. "My husband would never do that" yes he would.
There's a thread on one of the gardening forums I visit in which members share how they're spending Thanksgiving. Some are working at soup kitchens to help dish up meals for the homeless and needy. Before the holiday others are donating excess produce from their gardens to soup kitchens. One woman paid for a night's stay at a motel for a homeless woman.
She's also from a different generation; maybe that's accepted behavior in her age and social group. As has been suggested repeatedly, the OP needs to have some discussions with her to try to work out these differences. That's the way professional employers handle issues - achieving good working relationships doesn't happen overnight.
Personally, I would never be a caregiver b/c I wouldn't want to deal with amateur employers.
-Since when does 'being more direct equal being mean?'
-Talking about professionalism in employers, since when is an employee wearing tight yoga pants and flirting your with husband professional?
-I agree with Garden Artist, that maybe the caregiver would do well to volunteer at a soup kitchen on that day if she has no where to be on her day off.
-the caregiver sees herself as 'close' to your husband and not so much with you?
Because something is 'wrong with you?' What does any contact with your husband have to do with her caregiving your Mom, let alone becoming 'close?'
-You say your Mom has noticed. You have noticed. Your husband has noticed.
Where are you finding your caregivers? Why is there so much interaction with your family if the caregiver is there to caretake your Mom?
-Just the fact that you had to ask this question sends up so many red flags! Why are you doubting yourself?
I am guessing you came here for support. I don't see that happening here yet. Maybe some have jumped to conclusions?
Do not open the door and allow wolves into your home.
Your worries cannot be solved by becoming a better employer or closer to your mothers caregiver. Have your mom fire her. Before thanksgiving.
It's a full moon, I have seen this behavior on the threads before. Maybe there is something about you that I am not seeing, but the caregivers have been less than welcoming to you and your question. Just saying, because they are good people.
Wishing that it is me jumping to conclusions, reading something that is not there into the thread, wishing I am wrong.