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I know caregiving is tiring and frustrating and we are all human, but sometimes I lose my temper and it makes me feel awful. My elderly mom has severe dementia and can't do anything for herself. And she doesn't know that she can't do anything for herself. So she'll do something like pee all over the floor and then 30 seconds later say "I would never do something like that" or "I didn't do that." I try to clean it up and she stands there accusing me of being the one who did it. Everyday. All day. Over and over again it's things like this. I never get out of the house, I never have time for myself or friends anymore. I'm tired. I'm burned out. And so sometimes I just lose it! I lose it like a wild woman. I yell and scream at her. I swear like a drunken sailor and then swear some more. And then I feel bad for not being more patient and compassionate.

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I'm confused - your profile states your mother is in a nursing home but your post infers that you're providing fulltime care, especially since you write that you "never get out of the house."

Where is your mother staying? With you? If so, then it's time to get some outside help in, or get some respite care.

It wouldn't hurt to see if you can find a local support group as well. Contact your local Alzheimer's Assn. to see if there's one in your area.

You could also ask if they provide the Creating Confident Caregivers' classes, which would be very helpful.
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Haha, GardenArtist, yeah, my profile says nursing home because we are in the process of making that transition but it's still a few weeks out, and in the meantime dear old mom is home with me. I'll definitely look in to the Creating Confident Caregivers classes!
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I only have 1/100 of what you're going through and I've lost it - but usually in my car by myself. I'm so relieved to read that your mom is going into a nursing home - that's where she needs to be with her level of Alzheimers. You're trying to do a job that takes three shifts of people in a nursing home. So cut yourself some slack.

When you start to meltdown, could you go outside for a minute? Walk around the block? Count to 100? Put your mom in another room, so she's not telling you that you peed on the floor?

My mom has no short-term memory, so I get the "I haven't had candy in a long time" when she has candy available every day. But even small things like that annoy me, so I can only imagine how it sets you off when your mother denies peeing on the floor and then accuses YOU of doing it. That's enough to make anyone lose it!

But do the best you can and maybe start a countdown calendar for yourself, so that you know there's an end to the pain and suffering you're going through. Hugs to you - you're doing the impossible all by yourself.
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Well, thankfully she is on the road to a NH. If you have to yell and shout, you could step out of the room and do it, or turn your back and yell at the wall. Chances are she won't even remember your doing so in a short amount of time. If they don't remember they just ate, or just watched Judge Judy, or just had a candy bar, they aren't going to remember you losing your cool.
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I truly feel your pain. I have a 91 year old mother who has dementia and has become extremely needy. She repeats over and over how she cant be alone, she constantly had to go to the bathroom, getting her to eat lunch is taxing, and she is very demanding. I too, have lost my temper because it becomes too much. I also feel like a prisoner and trapped because nobody will give me a break, so by the end of the day, my nerves are shot. What you have is stress burnout and I have it as well. I am exhausted from this whole thing and I get angry at my mom. I also then feel bad but its more than any human should have to take. I also know its not her fault and that its hard for me to see my mother that way when I remember the person she was. I have been trying to get a home health aide for her as she has medicare insurance and have been given such a hard time. She can not be alone at all and I know that she needs an aide so I am working on that as well.
I have to tell you that you need someone to relieve you for a few hours even because you can be there constantly. If you have a friend or if you can get her a home health aide. You need to make time for you. I do want you to know you are not alone, You arent a horrible person when you lose your temper, and you need to have a break. I hope this helped, and that you find relief soon.
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Been there, done that.
Some of us cry, some of us storm away in frustration, and some of us blow up like a hell hound has been unleashed. I'm sorry you reached a breaking point, but I'm glad you have taken steps to take some of the pressure off. Forgive yourself, we are all just human caregivers, most of us won't ever be nominated for sainthood.
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What totally stressed wrote is exactly what I am going through! Could not have written it better myself!
O
M
G

M88
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They don't remember as long as you do that you blew up. You have to think this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to do service. If that is not for you then she needs to be moved. They differ quietly. I know I would have outbreaks if I wasn't on medication. Perhaps that is something people need to consider before moving their loved ones.
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I think to NOT lose your temper would be weird--everyone has a breaking point. I hit mine several months ago and stepped away from mother's care. She has not even noticed, so, there you go. I was knocking myself out and she didn't even care.

We're hard on ourselves, esp with dementia patients whose thinking is so far from what we are thinking. Don't beat yourself up. I have "blown up" in mother's presence maybe twice in 60 years. She doesn't seem to be emotionally attached to me, so she doesn't even notice.

You aren't horrible, you're normal.
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I'm new to this. My mom is 92 and has been living with me for the last 12 years. She wasn't as bad up until 2 years ago when she fell and broke her hip. Our relationship has slipped since then. I suspect she has mild dementia but haven't had her tested. I work full time and have a stressful job so that just adds to the pressure. I also am accused of doing things that she's done herself. She moves things and constantly misplaces things then accuses me of doing it. Not a day goes by that we don't have a fight. Sometimes she'll say, "I'm sorry" and it makes me sad to see her relegated to this childlike state. I blow up too and then feel guilty. It also hurts me to know that her body is breaking down and she's not my "rock" anymore. I have a few new acquaintances that I'm working toward turning into friends. Most of the people I know from work do not live near me and between working full time, commuting an hour each way, taking care of my home and the added burdens of my mother, there's not much time to cultivate friendships nor was there time over the last 12 years. I live in AZ and my kids live in CA and don't enjoy seeing us fight or want to hear about the negativity. I feel very isolated and am not sleeping well. My son did provide this website and some other links as outlets. I'm planning to try a support group if I can find the time at night. I get up at 4:30am every morning for work so to get home at 9pm is late for me during the week. But, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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I am on medication
I don't curse
I don't hate anyone
Yes, it is a service, duty, done out of love and respect.
H
O
W
E
V
E
R
It's hard
Difficult
Heart breaking
No happy ending
Depressing
Becoming the parent to your parent is a warped and evil thing to endure.
Physically, Mentally, Emotionally draining.
I am tired all the time. Go to bed exhausted and get up,just as much
Who am I going to tell this or how I feel?
My shrink, according to some posters here, is useless.............I'm thinking about replacing him ASAP.
So... there. That's how I feel today.
M88
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I come by my foul temper the old fashioned way - heredity and example. Growing up my parents fights were legion in our neighborhood. In honor of today bring Easter I'll just mention the chocolate rabbit my mother stomped to bits but spare you the story! Both my brothers have foul tempers as well - we tease my oldest brother mercilessly over what is know as "The Weed Whacker Incident" - he beat it to death in his driveway to the horror of his entire culdesac. I've never lost it with my mother but that's probably because I don't live with her - I could alway get up and leave. On the other hand I did lose it once with my disabled son - if that doesn't make you feel like a monster, well - nothing will. I can make a dozen excuses/reasons why it happened...but until the day I die - or dementia sets in, I will always remember how frightened he looked as I screamed and swore like someone possessed. I can only say now that I regret it, that I'm so very sorry. But I did learn from it. I can't guarantee it will never happen again - but I highly doubt it. Sure, there have been times when I'm standing on my deck, counting ten, deep breaths in the cold and rain - but I learned from my mistake and at least for now that's the best I can hope for - that and maybe an umbrella.
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You have me chuckling at the mental images of your mother and brother's meltdowns Rainmom, although I know there was nothing funny about it at the time.
I get my temper from my dad, when things were not going well I knew to tread lightly in case he erupted. In hindsight he must have had great self control as he seldom took it out on us, maybe that is why he left all the disciplinary tasks to my mom.
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I rarely lose my temper unless certain buttons are pushed. For my parents it was usually eye rolling moments and a couple of times telling my Mom "it's not all about you, Mom" whenever my Dad was recovering from an illness and I would rearrange the living room so that Dad would have a shorter walk to the bathroom.... and Mom not liking where I had moved the recliner :P

My sig other and I are like oil and water, lot of button pushing on his part. Thus it has made it much harder to help with my parents as he is the master of excuses for not wanting to help. Even if asked nicely, with sugar on top, there comes the excuses. Usually it is some basketball game, or football game, or baseball that he has to watch. Oh, or his back hurts. Yet, to hear him talk to others, you think he was doing everything to help :P
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I *absolutely* lost my temper with Mom a couple of times - usually over her stubborn refusal to shower, clean up after herself or even get up and move about the house to keep her muscles working. I got to the point a couple of times where I broke down in tears because I was so frustrated with her, and a couple of times, I simply had to go outside for a while and get away from her. It was go outside, or totally lose my composure and scream at her, which I refused to do. Once I regained my calm, I could go back in and address the situation. She requires a very firm hand, which sometimes means raising your voice a little and TELLING her she is GOING to do something, rather than asking, pleading or cajoling. She has always been very stubborn, and with the onset of dementia, she has become even worse. She will actually act like a two year old, affect a babyish voice and say, "Must I?" with this look on her face like the whole thing is a joke and if she screws around with you enough, you'll give up and leave her alone. And oooooh, does she know how to push the buttons. She's the queen of the guilt trips. Always has been.

I don't think there's anything wrong with losing your temper now and then. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. The cross of caregiving is simply too much to bear without losing it now and then. However...with that said, what matters is how you handle it, and how you react to your loved one when you lose your temper. Everyone has something that works to calm them down - you just have to find yours.
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Susan, We must be sisters. The baby voice and the "must I?" fit my mother to a T as does everything else you described. I am experiencing behaviors from my mother that I NEVER tolerated from my children.

And, yes, I lose my cool sometimes.
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