I have friends who are lovely, but have relatively carefree lives. They are not dealing with an aging parent. It has been a much harder path for me, lately, and I’m very tired. I talk a bit about it with them, but then go on to more pleasant subjects.
My sense is that they don’t really understand what’s involved. Does anyone else have that experience?
It’s like trying to get a guy to understand what giving birth is like .
Ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I envy our friends with care free lives that escaped it .
I’m paranoid about aging , being difficult with dementia . I don’t want to do this to my kids . I want to be that rare pleasant cooperative little old senile lady .
Or have the sense to end it .
People can be obnoxious at times. Especially those who are Pollyanna types. They are constantly trying to convince others that things ‘aren’t so bad’ or that there is a ‘silver lining.’ They believe that ‘everything happens for a reason.’
Life stinks at times. You know it. I know it. So, just let them live in their delusional fantasy world if they want to.
If they run into problems themselves in the future, they’ll realize what you went through.
I have had others tell me after they experienced similar issues tell me that they were sorry for not understanding what it was like for me as a caregiver. I appreciated that they finally acknowledged how hard it is to be a caregiver.
My caregiver days are over now. My parents are deceased. I’m very sorry that you are struggling. I wish you peace.
Thank you also for wishing me peace. I wish that for myself, and everyone else on this forum, too.
I didn't read what the others wrote, so I might be repeating. It's probably a lot like if you have a baby and your friends didn't. They just don't get it. I can honestly say I wouldnt of gotten it either. I will say, from now on I will be a lot more supportive of anyone I know that is caregivers.
I have issues with friends that do care giving too. One friend thinks she knows everything because she took care of her dad for 3 months, I'm over the 3 yrs mark. She judges me because she thinks I don't do enough. Well she tried to judge me, haven't talked to her in quite some time, lol for good reasons.
Then I have another friend who thinks I do to much for my mom. Her mom is in AL, I'm realizing it's because she is feeling her own guilt, that we all feel when are parents are in a facility. And maybe I'm a bit jealous at times of her freedom.
I have figured out I have my family, I have some friends, but some things are just put to the side for a while. There not going to get it.
One other friend I pretty much dumped because she was just to darn needy, and I had enough neediness in my life. Then she came to me one day after taking her mom shopping a few times, and said "I get it, now" . We are developing a new kind of friendship, less demanding on me
I have two in homes, both are well-cared for and I have no guilt, nor should anyone else. I am not clinically trained nor do I have the need to spend my life in a servitude position.
As an RN I knew early on I could never attempt to take on 24/7 care. I knew I would not be able to do it, because I knew that 12 hour shifts 3 days a week were killers; therefore survival doing it 24/7 was out of the question.
We can try to imagine what it is to have a new baby. Until we have one, however, we cannot ever have full empathy with what it entails.
Same with cancer. We can imagine; but we haven't done it until we do it.
It only makes sense.
TBF. How would they know? It’s one thing to see it in regard to another person, but it’s an entirely different thing once they experience it for themselves.
"I was having an blissfully normal conversation with mom until she told me to move aside because she couldn't read the sign the girl behind me was holding up."
So my friends laugh, because my face isn't showing the corresponding emotion, which is wistfulness. I don't admonish them for finding humor, it's understandable.
Your friends will never understand that cold chill you get when dementia comes out during a moment of blessed calm.
They won't "get it" that you feel hopeless and helpless much of the time and that you can feel the situation aging you.
They won't have had the experience that you've had - of total surrealism, when you're just standing there like, "Is this even happening? Is this REAL?"
They won't know how you feel, unless they experience it with their parent or partner.
And we all pray earnestly that our friends never know, because we wouldn't wish this on another living soul.