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1. Be certain who is the assigned POA ? POA for medical, legal and financial decisions?
2. Speak with an Elder Law Attorney about the situation and family dynamics. An initial consult should be perhaps gratis. And, though there may be fee involved, it may save you financially, and in many other ways.
3. This is about the " safety" of an aging person diagnosed with dementia and, from his PCP orders that " he not live alone". You may in fact need a lawyer to set straight your sister or anyone else fighting the father's potential placement in a facility .
4. You may benefit from having a Geriatric Case Manager ( usually an licensed social worker) assigned to your father to help you also navigate his needs, options for safety and care based on PCP " assessment of level of care needs".

5. Practice good self care for your own well being.
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Assuming you and others in your household work away from home or not with him during the day for other reasons. I have to ask - did dad use his money to pay for part or all of the home you share with him? Could that be reason sister would want to sue? If that's the case, you might need to refi home under only your name and give dad back some/all of what he invested so his money follows him. Otherwise, you might need to say what the basis is for suing you if he can't live there. We really would need to understand the entire situation to see her perspective as well as yours. The threat of suit kind of raises a flag to me that something else is going on here and not mentioned with the question.

If there's no money involved and sister just trying to make you keep him in your home, his condition states other needs that you can't or won't accommodate any longer. If sister can be with him all day, she could come to your house and sit with him or move him to her house. If no one can keep eyes on him all the time, he needs facility care for his own safety.
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I'm curious as to how dad is living alone if he is living with you? I'm confused. That's not living alone.

Also, how did dad get spoiled food? Surely you don't keep spoiled food on hand, so I ask -- Is he hiding food in his room?

I'm not sure your sister could find a lawyer that would take this lawsuit. I suspect any lawyer she went to would advise that some reasonable conversations need to occur before legal steps are taken.
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Maryjann Oct 2023
I'm guessing that OP works outside the home.
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There may be another solution. How did he get the spoiled food??
If there's a solution for that, put it in effect. If it came from trash, lock the trash can. If he's storing food in his room. Check his room daily. In the refrigerator?
At any rate, you might be able to put measures in place for his safety. Sitter for dad? Air tag in his shoes?
If you desire, Dad my be able to stay with you, with intervention.
Best wishes,
Chickie
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FAMILY....FAMILY.....FAMILY we love um, until everyone has to take care of a parent. It is hard, we all have been there if you have sibblings. We all went out to dinner one night and hashed out what we wanted for mom. And even with that mom has lived with all 3 of us at some time. And she went to three Assisted Living places and is now in a Memory Care Facility. I can honestly tell you it is never perfect. All our lives have interruptions and situations that need our attention on top of taking care of our parents.
Take a deep breath. What is it YOU need help with to take care of dad. What does your sister want. Put it all down on paper. Look at the costs to do this. REMEMBER you both need to remain the loving daughters to him, and get help to do the things that a caretaker can do. It is a long road. The two of you need to support each other more now than ever. There are more decisions ahead that will get harder. Do this together!!!
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Marcia22 Oct 2023
Thanks!
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Get Dad evaluated for placement through Adult Protective Services (please don't clean up the evidence before they come). Their document will be evidence to present in court if sister goes the limit. If you are the person in charge (POA), get him placed ASAP. Seek the advice and wisdom of an Elder Law Attorney who can tell you how Dad will pay for services and call the VA if dad was in military service. You cannot live in denial and help Dad live safely.
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My2cents has raised an interesting point I certainly didn’t see before. Perhaps Dad financed OP’s house on the basis that they would care for him and NOT see him go into care. Now they have the house and they are still sending him into care. If the house finance effectively came off sister’s inheritance hopes, I can certainly see why she is feeling litigious! And why OP has skipped over the back-story. Not quite so stupid!
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waytomisery Oct 2023
Then they should go to an elder care lawyer to straighten out the financial end , possibly sell the house .

Either way , OP replied on this thread that the sister is not willing to take in or care for the father . She can not force OP to continue living with the Dad either . And the Dad is not safe home alone .
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BMartinez: You should suggest that your sister don the caregiving hat.
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Silly threat from a silly sister. Ignore her. Your sister needs a hobby. She has more time on her hands than she has sense.

You are your father's POA. It is your decision and yours alone as to whether or not his home is with you or in a lovely facility.
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MargaretMcKen Oct 2023
Or ‘take the money and run’?
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My posts about money just below are a reinforcement that we don’t always get the full story.
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waytomisery Oct 2023
MM, true.
More of the story may help.
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I reread to see why I came to thinking sister was trying to keep Dad out of a facility. It is a bit confusing.

OP states " He currently lives with us". I took that as OP recently took Dad in, until OP placed him in a facility , because the doctor said he can't live alone.

OP states , He was recently lost taking an Uber..... "He's also eating spoiled food so the doctor says he can no longer live alone." This would make more sense if it read "He was also eating spoiled food so the doctor says he can no longer live alone. "
It's possible auto correct changed " He was" to "He's". I have had that happen frequently.

When it was suggested in an answer , that sister take care of Dad.......OP replied with ...."Exactly what I told her, but she conveniently refuses to take him. Yes unfortunately she does have the money to sue. I am poa and feel it’s time for a home. I’m guessing I need to get this in writing from the doctor "

I could be wrong but this made me think sis did not want him in a home, ( possibly to preserve inheritance).

I wasn't seeing the possibility that My2cents saw. But it is confusing, so it could be . More details from OP would help.
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MargaretMcKen Oct 2023
Why was father eating ‘spoiled food’ if they were caring for him at home? It was one of the reasons the doctor said he needed to move. Easy to fake?
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If your sister is unwilling to take responsibility for your father, then tell her “bye girl” and do what you need to do that is in his best interest.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2023
Well said, Desiringtohelp. I think you're right.
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Send him to her House forever .
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Send him to live at her house.
Seriously, she needs to have a sit down with you to discuss the end of wants and the beginning of needs, beginning with safety. I am impressed he got himself an Uber. We are so thankful my mom never touched a computer ever and couldn't handle a cell phone.
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Unless I overlooked something, poster BMartinez has not returned to look at the answers posted to the thread he/she started and answer the questions posed.
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You need to have somebody with your father all the time. You need to make sure he gets 3 meals a day and has access to healthy snacks and drinks throughout the day. He needs somebody to keep his areas of the home (and him) clean. He needs somebody to keep him from wandering off and getting lost. He needs regular screenings for his health by a doctor and dentist. He needs somebody to give him his prescribed medications. If you can accomplish these things, you are doing everything that a residential facility would be doing.
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The OP has not come back to answer questions.
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