Follow
Share

My mother has slid into dementia rather quickly, degrading from staying at home alone while I work to being unable to do so within a month and a half. I'd love to have her here but am not sure I can manage her at nights and on weekends alone. I'm pretty sure it would break me down and leave her at risk. The dr is recommending permanent care in a "memory unit."

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

22 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Using the words throwing away a loved one to a memory care unit is not only uncalled for but very insensitive and unknowledgeable about what goes on it one. I plan on placing my mother in a memory care unit because 1) they can stimulate her mind which will keep her mentally active 2) she will have companionship with peers and no matter that I am her daughter, I can only provide so much since I am only one person and not GOD.3)My mother is not going to provide for my old age, I have to do that for myself just as everyone else should do...I must work to pay my bills and I would rather my mother use her money that she put away just for this purpose she that she receive great care that I cannot provide her. I will advocate for her care, I will take her to dr. appts. out to lunch and shopping and will be spending quality time with her. I suggest that you not be so judgemental about other peoples choices because you assume too much that is soooooo wrong in their choices for doing so. I commend you for being a 24/7/365 caregiver, but it does not make you a hero. Educate yourself on other peoples situations before to say they are tossing their loved one out with the trash. What a horrible thing to say to someone who is hurting, overwhelmed and struggling to keep their own health.This site may not be for you.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
My mom is actually moving from assisted living to memory care in a few days. I, too, have struggled with the guilt thinking what kind of daughter am I that she can't live with me? Answer is I'm doing the best for HER as I work full-time, have my daughter and 15 month old grndson living iwth us, my husband is gone 2 weeks out of every month for work and she is in need of way more care than I can give. We have a 2 story house and I don't feel safe with her and stairs. Locking her in a room and giving her a portable potty is abhorrent to me. This way she gets the stimulation during the day she needs, from TRAINED people who know how to get her involved with activities on her level. It's a tough decision and I appreciate all of the positive comments on this site. The other comment about throwing your loved ones away was way off base, there are always 2 sides to every story and every situation is different. Nobody should judge anybody else on their decisions.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
I think there are very few of us who make this type of decision in haste. If your parent refuses to go to adult day care and your spare bedroom is downstairs for example, and/or your family or financial situation cannot accommodate having her with you, you can only make the best decision in placing her somewhere safe. Locking my mother in a bedroom at night with a potty would be as appalling to me as placing her in a facility with 24/7 care would be to you. What would I do if there was a fire and I could not get to her in time and she could not get out?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
I placed my mom in a memory unit 6 months ago. I work full time, my husband hasn't dealt well with the changes in mom and mom wasn't safe alone. We placed her in a facility with a memory unit that was 85 km. away with the intention of moving her closer if a room came available. It broke my heart to have to do this but it was to the point where I was sleeping with mom and blocking the bedroom door in case I didn't hear her. If it is a good place, they will get you to fill in a questionnaire about your mom. Her background, her extended family, what her day to day habits are, what she likes to eat and do. Then they should meet with you to discuss all of it and to have a look at the rooms and common areas. Talk to the staff and look at the residents. Do they seem happy, are they clean. Is it a cheerful environment? Is the food prepared there? You can test drive a meal to check it out. When you decide on a place consider placing mom's furniture so she gets out of bed on the same side to go to the bathroom if possible and bringing and placing all her things before you bring her there. Pictures, ornaments, things on the walls, clothes, her favorite candies. These will comfort her. A good facility should be able to tell you that mom will be participating in bingo, peanut auctions, sing song, etc. They will come get her. Good luck! It was the most difficult thing I've had to do but mom is safe 24/7 and she has friends again.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
im guessing that there are elders who would do fine in a group environment and probably many who wouldnt. ive never played bingo and no amount of coercion could force me to. i see myself stomping tomato worms for entertainment when i get old.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I actually waited too long to place my mother. As with most of us, it is hard to face the truth sometimes until we have no choice. My mother was placed under "Crisis Placement" in a facility 85 km. away from where I live but once she was there for a few months, I took her off the list for placement closer to where I live. The facility she is in has a small Memory Care Unit (12 rooms) and Mom adjusted relatively quickly, the staff remains consistently cheerful and handle her well. Mom is allowed to "work". Don't know if this is true but I think she is allowed to clean up after meals (maybe?) sometimes and this gives her a purpose and makes her feel useful. She found another resident who needs more care than her so she is "helping" out as much as she can. Most important of all, she is happy despite the fact that she didn't really want to be there. They come to get her to go to activities and mingle with the assisted living residents during these activities. Mom is mobile so if there is adequate staff, they sometimes take her outside for a walk if the weather is nice. There is always guilt that I am not visiting or doing enough for her but the flip side of that is, I can visit and spend the quality time with her that was previously mentioned here. I go up for an afternoon and we shop and I take her out for lunch and maybe a walk. I go get her for 2 or 3 days over a weekend to spend time with her, cook her favorite meals and try and meet some of her siblings for a visit or lunch halfway between where I am and they are (total distance of 5 hours). I phone every other day. It is as good as I can make it for her and at this stage in her life, it is all we can do.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
OMG, here we go again. Tossing a loved one out or throwing them away is NOT what anyone in this thread is talking about, except the person who used those terms. What insensitive rhetoric!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My mom is in a memory care. There are different levels of care given. It is a locked facility and there are 6 cottages with approx. 8 people in each. Some private rooms and the others are two to a room. She can have some of her own furniture and pictures, ect.
Where my mom is, she is still fairly high functioning, to other cottages that need to help feed a resident. There are different types of activities that she can participate in throughout the day. There are some activities she doesn't like to do, so I bought her an RV broom and long handled dustpan and some dust cloths. She has always loved to putz around and now she has her own things to do when not interested in the activities. When I visit her, 3 times a week, we work on her photo album, or I encourage her to participate in activities by joining in, myself. Then she'll do some of them and realize she's having fun. Most of all I know she is safe. I can take her out a couple times a week to go to the park, store, zoo and lunch.
My mom is not being tossed away! I have health issues and I am unable to do 24/7/365 care. I did it for a total of 10 years. Most recently six years. It is the toughest decision my sibs and I made. We ALL visit her every day of the week so she is seen by her kids and we advocate for her care. No matter which one of us sees a need or a want that our mom has, we get it for her. She is where she needs to be for being welled cared for and to improve her quality of life.

Capnhardass, love your sense of humor! Blessing, ALL!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
There are many caregivers who can't afford to stay home and care for a parent with Alzheimer's and have to work to support their own family. It is not "tossing them away". It is loving them enough to want them to have the best care available if it can't be you. Caregivers should always consider the impact on their own health and family's sacrifice, we can't do it all!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My 89 yr. old MIL is in a wonderful continuing care community near us. She has been there nearly 2 yrs. Prior to placement, I visited other communities with her, and she selected this one. She has a room in an assisted living building, but within that building there are about a dozen residents who are in a special memory support group called the "Connections Club". This group appears to be physically healthy and ambulatory, but there are special events just for them, and she pays $300 extra per month for these services. Every morning there are "meetings" as my mil calls them, where they talk about current events and play memory games (some on the computer) and have one-on-one scheduled chats with the memory support staff. The staff will come and get her if she doesn't appear, and there are reminders from staff if she doesn't show up for lunch, etc. They visit children at a local day care, have icecream socials, crafts, chair exercise, play bingo, have pizza parties with residents in the other buildings, go to Walmart, etc. These activities are closely supervised and in addition to other activities--within reason--that she can participate in as an assisted living resident This building is not a "lock down" unit. Should she need more care, she can move into such a unit. You did not say what services your mother needs, but in my mil's case, she has very poor short-term memory, can't drive, handle finances or meds, refuses to wear hearing aids, must be constantly reminded to use her walker, refuses to wear Depends on trips (they will not take her unless she does--they check) is very suspicious, makes up wild stories, and is becoming increasingly argumentative with staff and us when she doesn't get her own way. VivianLeslie's suggestions are very good, and in my mil's case we can share meals with her (the food is good!), and have brought her favorite throws, pictures, as well as her desk and chair to her room. These are our experiences, and I hope you find it helpful. My mil is in a safe, stimulating environment with good staff who call us if there are concerns. I must add that such excellent care is pricey, and mil had the forsight to buy long-term health insurance many years ago. I hope all goes well for you in this difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter