My mom can go from pleasant to argumentative in a moment's notice. It'll usually start with a simple statement or question from her which I'll respond to. This is an actual conversation we just had after laughing over a different topic 5 minutes ago:
MOM: I wonder if the boys are still working. (The boys are her grandsons that both have temporary jobs)
ME: They haven't worked for 2 weeks now.
MOM (angrily): I think I would know they go to work everyday.
The End. The lights turn off. Curtains close. No applause because the audience is befuddled as to how they bought a ticket to what started as a comedy but abruptly ended as a tragedy.
This makes me wonder if she knows her memory is bad. Are dementia patients aware of their condition?
And to think how I used to groan and huff if my Dad started off on one of his boring old stories over Sunday lunch - we weren't allowed to move on to pudding or leave the table until everyone had finished, and if he was talking he wasn't eating. Ugh!!! True enough we don't know we're born sometimes, eh?
Can you make it up, throw in a little variety? Actually don't do that, it would be cruel; just in your head maybe. Any idea when the new neighbours might arrive? - at least it will introduce something different for her to want to "get straight" (if only!).
The situation is easy. The house is up for sale and the woman will be moving to an apartment. They just haven't left yet. My mother for some reason thinks that they rented the house to someone before it sells. It doesn't matter, but she can't let it go. It's so simple, but to a broken mind that invents stories to explain things like why there are cars parked, it isn't simple. Tonight she complicated it by throwing another neighbor into the mix.
This disease is awful. It is driving me nuts. I wish I could just say that it's the dementia and that nothing else is wrong.
Now I believe she knows she needs help with daily actives and finally excepts the help, but I don't think she really knows why. She is always present when I talk to her doctors (mainly because she thought we were making thinks up about her) and I always ask her if she has questions for them or concerns. She always she is fine or good.
Who is to really say what is happening in their minds, I know it confuses me.
Usually, she sleeps a lot. That is, if she isn't on one of her multi-day marathons of no sleep. She can go almost 4 complete says and nights now without sleep. Then she will 'crash' and be almost unable to get up for anything. Thankfully, some mess are now keeping those marathons of no sleep to a minimum.
Anyway, her forgetfulness was much worse than she was aware of. If you tried to tell her she WOULD get angry with you (doctor made THAT mistake!). I really wish they would not refer to it as 'dementia', because too many people equate that with 'crazy'.
It is NOT being crazy, it is cognitive decline. Anyway...
Questions like wondering if the boys are still working are best handled with finesse - would it be "quitting" time if they were working? Glance at clock or watch and say oh no they're probably headed home for dinner now, or it's lunchtime, they're probably out getting lunch or something along those lines. It seems clear that she has forgotten their work status if she asked that question - you have to tread lightly, be prepared, and fend off these kind of questions, comments, statements or whatever with fluff. As the nurse who first assessed mom said - little white lies.
Just like others have said, sometimes you could carry on a conversation for 10+ minutes and not realize how bad off she was, yet other times you would hear the same story, questions, comments over and over in that 10 minutes.
Funny story - mom was moved to memory care in January, the first resident in a newly rebuilt facility. Finally two more women moved in. Shortly after that, one woman's daughter wrote an article about dementia and the facility for a local paper, and with it was a picture of the resident. Mom reads this, recognizes the woman and promptly tells her that her family put her here because she is crazy. Great. Thanks mommie dearest! But, if she (our mom) *really* understood all this well enough, she should be wondering why SHE is there!
Yes, she knows she is forgetting things - does she put a label on it (Dementia) - that I cannot say. But my husband is forgetting more each day and it leaves him confused and befuddled.
Thankfully he isn't the one to get angry, it's usually me and it's less anger and more about frustration because I don't always know what to do.
I Always apologize after and he says he understands, bless his heart. While it is hard on the caregiver, it's just as bad on the patient.
My mom now lives in a memory care facility and has no clue that she has dementia. I think its all part of their personal journey.
I'm sorry that you're experiencing these abrupt changes in temperature from warm to freezing when you're just trying to have an ordinary, pleasant conversation with your mother. It's a shock every time, no matter how much you think you're ready for it, and it's incredibly discouraging when it comes to keeping things light and "normal" (whatever normal is nowadays?).
But it's worse for her. Imagine not being able to keep a reliable grip on even the basics of family activity, and being only half-aware with it, and certain that you know something only to find out that you're 100% wrong... Even before I knew anyone with dementia personally, not being able to believe your own brain always struck me as the most disturbing and frightening thing imaginable.
I would suspect that when your mother freezes up - or snaps shut, you put it well - like this, it's because she's suddenly unsettled and reacts angrily to that feeling. It must be awful for you, too, a real kick on the shins. Maybe it would be best either to say nothing and squeeze her hand or make her a drink or whatever, or to change the subject to something reassuring - isn't the sky blue today, it'll soon be time for the news, we must give the boys a ring and see how they're doing. You want some way of restoring her grip gently.
Mind you. I wish I could promise that she won't just be angrier with you for being condescending - or "maddening" as my mother put it sometimes. But worth a try, I hope.
I am only 60, but I joke that I either tell one of my 5 kids the same thing 5 times or forget to tell any of them anything. I have a lot of sympathy for aging--it isn't for sissies!
I also find that my kids are very impatient with me. Probably due to the fact I like to TALK to them, not have all my communications be by text or email. My son has requested I ONLY text him, as he is too busy to talk. That hurts, but he himself has 4 kids and one day......he'll get how much it hurts to have your child basically reduce you to the level of an annoying buzzing sound.
As far as dementia--most people will have some degree of it if they live long enough.
Also here are two of the books I found helpful: Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, How to find hope while coping with stress and grief ISBN978-1-118-00229-2 and A caregiver's guide to Lewy Body Dementia (a more challenging form of a little known dementia) ISBN 978-1932603934
We were talking about his apartment and he was not sure which of the three we should go to. My wife has been calling the nursing home for her mom as the "other" apartment to encourage her mom to stay there as her mom keeps saying she wants to go home. Well, my wife's dad started taking that literally and does pretty much everything there but shower. So, when I tried to counter him about the 3 apartments, he got really mad and said "You don't believe me?, Here are the keys, let's go and I can show them to you" We were eating dinner with him and my kids and the kids were trying not to laugh. Ok, well, I guess I was holding it in too. But, it was off the charts nuts. I am not around this enough to know how to handle it. His wife is much more frail and does not speak much.
Do people know they have dementia? Some do, some don't. Some know sometimes, but then forget. Some are like my mother and say their memory is bad, then say it's fine. There's no winning. All we can do is shrug our shoulders.
I suspect that most of the time, they do not understand that their memory is as bad as it is, because even if they realized it, they would shortly forget it.