Lolaloud Asked June 2021
Does anyone even send flowers or cards anymore after someone dies?
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It’s been three months since mom passed, no cards or flowers. Nothing. I get it people are in their own little world and don’t care. I don’t know where to put this topic sorry if I put in wrong place. It feels like you're alone and no one cares no one asks how you're doing, it’s been a struggle. No one calls or texts, when they get sick I’m not going to care at this point talking about her side of the family. She wanted her cousin there but her jewelry line is more important I guess I am just a step not related to them. Just a lot going on work helps and lots of therapy.
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Flowers really aren't a thing anymore, because of the "In lieu of flowers" note always in obituaries, but out of 350 people at my dad's funeral, only 12 sent donations. (That was totally fine with me.)
What I did treasure, though, were those 350 people who made the effort to come to his service. Our minds were absolutely blown.
Rather than dwell on the lack of consideration by others, try to pay it forward and do for others what was not done for them. Long before my dad died, I started sending copies to the family of photos I might have had of the deceased person, especially if it was from an event where family might not have been in attendance. I started doing it when our neighbors' 16-year-old daughter died suddenly, and her mother was so grateful to have more pictures of the child she'd never see again. I know I'd give anything for more pictures of my dad from any era.
Use your pain to show more consideration to others in theirs, and you may succeed in teaching them that compassion and kindness are never inappropriate.
I am a huge card sender, and always have been. But that is how I was raised(I'm 61.)I like to send cards of encouragement, sympathy, or just thinking/praying for you. When my husband died last Sept. I did receive lots of cards, and we didn't have a service for him as we scattered his ashes last month.
It is kind of a lost tradition(sadly), but I always get a positive response from the person to whom I send a card to. I think they're usually surprised that someone actually still does that, and it's always appreciated.
I am sorry that you lost your mom. I know you're still grieving. But I wouldn't give this issue any more thought. Lots of people are just uncomfortable when it comes to death and dying and aren't sure what to say or do, so don't take it personal. Just make sure that you yourself are doing unto others as you would have them do to you, because what goes around comes around. Please take care of yourself. God bless you.
So sorry. People are self absorbed.
Often I send a card and a cash donation to a cause that the deceased cared about.
And personally? I see some of my kids being VERY thoughful and kind when they see a friend has lost a parent or sibling, but for the most part, they are consumed by their own lives. I am not proud of this aspect of their personalities, but I'd never say anything. If you are too busy to acknowledge the passing of a friend, or a parent of a friend, then you need to re-evaulate your life as to what is important.
When my brother died I did not get one card or flower. Same thing when my daddy passed. He'd asked for all donations to go to our church and I didn't expect any flowers--but a card would have been nice.
Many people my age put it out on Facebook when a parent has passed away, not really taking into account that there are people (like me and my family) who aren't on Facebook. There are times I don't find out until months later that someone has lost a loved one, which is obviously too late to send anything to the funeral.
When my mom died in the middle of the pandemic, we actually kept our notifications very minimal, because we didn't want people to feel compelled to come to the funeral in the middle of the pandemic. I did send notes out to anyone who sent my mom a Christmas card. along with a prayer card from the wake, to let them know she had passed. If I thought it was hard to let people I know that mom had passed, I really agonized on how to word it to people that I DIDN'T know. That was tough! I did get sympathy cards back from some of them, but others not. That didn't really bother me; what I did get a bit peeved about was the fact that I came across my grandfather's wallet among mom's things, which I sent to my cousin (the only boy in the family) with a note saying I thought he might appreciate it as a memento from our grandfather. He never did acknowledge it one way or the other. Not really surprised, considering his personality, but irked about it nonetheless.
Sometimes, people just don't know the "right" thing to say, so they elect to say nothing instead.
My deepest sympathies on your loss. (((hugs)))
And, yes, the habit of writing condolences is a thing of the past.
Leave 'em all wondering!!!! And don't get in any sort of hurry (unless you have to) to divvy out what you plan to divvy out. If you really want to drive it home, put a note in the box and say 'after' sending out various items, I saw this and thought of you (then that person will wonder if that means they were not on the list, rather an afterthought).
A little mind game might be just what you need!!
For me, I no longer send cards for any occasion - at $6-9 a card, they are expensive, but I will send a handwritten note if it was someone I knew and was close to me. I also no longer send flowers (they are also unnecessarily expensive), since so many people have allergies and so many companies that send the flowers don't always do a nice job or use quality flowers (meaning, they limp out a day after receiving). I do email someone because that way I know they receive my sentiments (usps loses a lot of stuff), and it is sent/received within hours - not days or weeks -- and can reply/respond upon receipt.
I know this doesn't sound 'correct' but at my age, given my tight financial budget and a circle of friends that is getting smaller each passing year, my expectations and interactions are very different than previous decades.
I do think that you are correct in saying that people are busy and live in their own little world.
I wish that people showed common courtesy to each other more often than they do.
One of my favorite memories from a dear friend was after my father died she gave me a beautiful maple tree. It has grown quite a bit! When I look at my tree, I think of my sweet dad and my dear friend.
I send cards, flowers or donation of their choice. I have a Mass said if they are Catholic. I suppose that I am very traditional in my beliefs regarding this situation. I have also cooked a dish to bring to the family. My church has a ministry that notifies parishioners of families in need of meals and we cook and deliver the meals.
I am very sorry for your loss. Take care.
Please focus on treating yourself kindly. Pick up a bouquet at a farmer’s market or give yourself a break by getting carryout instead of cooking.
Treat yourself with great loving kindness.
Right or wrong, please don't dwell on it. If you have other close friends or family, reach out to them when you need to talk. Continue your therapy. Grieving can be an unfolding process - and it takes time. Be kind to yourself, and part of doing that is letting go of resentment, and doing little things that bring you happiness. This site is wonderful to vent your feelings and help get you through your journey. I wish you peace and comfort.
That helps me understand why sig other and I hear squat from a step-granddaughter who is in her 30's when ever we send a gift [usually a check] for her birthday or Christmas.
I really think it all depends on how close you remain to people & if you keep in touch with them.
My mom just passed & I received 2 plants, 3 vases of flowers & a card with a check that I’m going to donate in her memory to a charity of my choosing.
I am baffled how the younger generations fail to take notice. It's like they can't look up from their cellphones to see what is happening in the world around them. But I was totally surprised when my 16 year old God-daughter had sent me a thank you note in a greeting card earlier this month for a surprised gift I sent her. In the past she would text me [which was ok]. Even her generation doesn't do emails which I prefer as I can raise the font size so I can read it.
When it comes to gifts, when I was a young adults I remember my Mom had told me if you send gifts on two occasions and get no thank-yous back, then stop sending gifts.
When I was little, there were people who gave me clothes as a gift, and of course my reactions ranged from apathetic to disappointed, because I was hoping for toys or more "interesting" gifts. My mother would say we have to thank Mrs. So-and-so when sent them, which I did (if I remember correctly!). Many years later I mentioned this to my father, and we sort of joked about it--if I received a gift that has the familiar rectangular shape and of a certain weight, I would mouth the word "clothes" to him and he would laugh. Of course I had more appreciation for them, or at least let on that I did, although my mother sometimes bought me shirts having color combinations that were probably unknown to science.
I think that's very insightful. But I think that's a reflection of the current level of interaction between people.
I also think that acknowledging losses, birthdays and other important dates were part of a culture that bonded more with others, and as others have mentioned, supported their feelings, calls and attendances at funerals with flowers and cards. I think the texting generation doesn't really understand that closeness. Or perhaps they're not comfortable with it.
Texting to me is a way of communicating but keeping others at a distance; to me it's very impersonal (not to mention perhaps dangerous for wrists, as one arm doctor told me almost a dozen years ago.)
Overall, I think human relationships have changed a lot b/c of tech devices, and personal relationships have deteriorated, or at least become less close, while self focus if not absorption has skyrocketed.
Yes, people do not send flowers much anymore. Where do you put the huge memorial wreaths afterwards? Cards are nice, but most feel they don't really convey their feelings. If you miss somebody, reach out to them. Most folks want to do the "right thing" but are not sure what that is anymore. Let them know what you need.
Praying you connect with loving people who can show you the kindness you need right now.
1) I suspect electronic means of communication have changed the way people send messages, condolences, etc. permanently. FWIW, methods that were considered the norm a couple decades or more ago are probably not considered "socially required" any longer by most people.
2) Electronic communication coupled with geographic mobility has probably resulted in most people "knowing" (i.e., being acquainted with either as friends, coworkers, contacts, etc.) more people than they would have years ago. There is less knowledge of each person's family--the people known are "individuals at some point in space" rather than members of known family units. This means less interest in the respective families of these individuals, and perhaps even a dilution of interest in many of those who are geographically close or better known to a given person. This could conspire to reduce one's feeling of "closeness" and thus motivation to use more traditional means of communication, such as greeting cards.
3) Regarding the acknowledgement of gifts, I believe a couple factors are involved here. One is that many people are well-enough off that they can buy what they need and want, and what they don't buy is therefore something they don't need or want--therefore, a gift is likely useless to them if it doesn't fit either of those categories. Websites such as eBay, Amazon and others make it relatively easy to find items ranging from the ordinary to the esoteric from around the world, so many gifts people give are probably not wanted by the recipients, particularly if the former don't know the latter extremely well. There are also some givers who feel their mission is to get someone else interested in some field or hobby in which the latter person has absolutely no interest, sometimes even after it has become obvious the recipient has no interest. In light of all of these, it's probably getting increasingly difficult to "buy for" many people. All the foregoing in not intended to excuse the lack of offering thanks to the giver, but it may explain that recipients don't necessarily appreciate the gifts as much as in the past. (A few years ago, I caught some "flak" on this forum for admitting that I genuinely appreciated very few gifts I've received over the years. However, I DID give thanks to those who gave them!)
4) Now, here's an observation regarding families. My mother's extended family was very small, so they could all just about fit in one car. My father's family was much larger, such that I've had many cousins (half still alive, others now gone), and now many of the cousins are either grandparents or even great-grandparents, scattered geographically. As a result, a point arrives at which it becomes impractical to keep up with all of them, especially as most are seen only at rare intervals if at all. Originally, my father's parents were the center of a circle; years later, the cousins are now the centers of their own circles, with many not linked to the other circles, like a "clone" that eventually gets so large there no longer is anything connecting the branches. This results in less closeness, less involvement in their lives, and hence the reduction of communication, including cards.
I hope all this rambling I've written makes some sense; please feel free to let me know either way!
Bob
As you noted, many people are "in their own little world." Also, many are uncomfortable when somebody dies and they really don't know what to say.
Heaven lit up with a mighty presence,
as the Angels all looked down.
Today the Lord was placing the jewels
Into my mother’s crown.
He held up a golden crown,
as my darling mother looked on.
He said in His gentle voice,
‘I will now explain each one.’
‘The first gem,’ He said, ‘is a Ruby,
and it’s for endurance alone,
for all the nights you waited up
for your children to come home.’
‘For all the nights by their bedside,
you stayed till the fever went down.
For nursing every little wound,
I add this ruby to your crown.’
‘An emerald, I’ll place by the ruby,
for leading your child in the right way.
For teaching them the lessons,
That made them who they are today.’
‘For always being right there,
through all life’s important events.
I give you a sapphire stone,
for the time and love you spent.’
‘For untying the strings that held them,
when they grew up and left home.
I give you this one for courage.’
Then the Lord added a garnet stone.
‘I’ll place a stone of amethyst,’ He said.
‘For all the times you spent on your knees,
when you asked if I’d take care of your children,
and then for having faith in Me.’
‘I have a pearl for every little sacrifice
that you made without them knowing.
For all the times you went without,
to keep them happy, healthy and growing.’
‘And last of all I have a diamond,
the greatest one of all,
for sharing unconditional love
whether they were big or small.’
‘It was you love that helped them grow
Feeling safe and happy and proud
A love so strong and pure
It could shift the darkest cloud.’
After the Lord placed the last jewel in,
He said, ‘Your crown is now complete,
You’ve earned your place in Heaven
With your children at your feet.’
I do my card shopping at Dollar Tree. I can pick up an eight- or ten-pack of blank cards for a dollar. Can't beat that! The postage costs more than the cards.