Does anyone even send flowers or cards anymore after someone dies?

Question

Does anyone even send flowers or cards anymore after someone dies?

Follow

Share

It’s been three months since mom passed, no cards or flowers. Nothing. I get it people are in their own little world and don’t care. I don’t know where to put this topic sorry if I put in wrong place. It feels like you're alone and no one cares no one asks how you're doing, it’s been a struggle. No one calls or texts, when they get sick I’m not going to care at this point talking about her side of the family. She wanted her cousin there but her jewelry line is more important I guess I am just a step not related to them. Just a lot going on work helps and lots of therapy.

Care Decisions End of Life Relationships

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

81 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2 3

For what it’s worth, I don’t like florist flowers. For me they mean hospitals, illness and death.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I think it has to do with some changes related to the pandemic and people possibly not having the time to send flowers. It's a terrible feeling when a person passes, and you get no cards, and no flowers. That can happen when you are an after thought to those people too.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I send cards. If it is a close family member or friend I usually send a plant, not flowers.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Customs around death, funerals and mourning loved ones have changed. Since the pandemic I am certain that they will change. Last spring I had a relative die, my mother became very upset because they weren't accepting flowers and they were not going to hold a funeral for health reasons. Widows no longer wear a full black outfit or don a veil that covers the entire body. You might find this advice column from 2008 helpful https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-2008-09-04-0809020355-story.html . I don't think manners or grace have anything to do with it at all. I think what has happened is people have simply gotten tired of having to spend thousands of dollars just to bury someone.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I think it has to do with being thoughtful, and that doesn't take thousands of dollars or a lot of time and money to send a card. It's to show show comfort, concern, and respect.

(1)

Report

I think many people key off the obituary and many obits say in lieu of flowers, please make donation in memory of the deceased. Flowers don't last very long and the last two arrangements I sent arrived in pitiful condition. I was embarrassed. But I do send cards when I am aware someone passed away. Many people don't subscribe to a newspaper anymore and never see the obituary. I was distressed that my mother's funeral was sparsely attended but it apparently was at a day/time of year in which people had other plans.

That being said, here is a hug from me. I think the caregiver becomes secondary to the person being cared for and everyone thinks life just returns to normal when the person passes. But it's a big transition for the caregiver. Many times there is a big lonely void. Usually you are exhausted. Sometimes you are left wondering, what next? Family can be thoughtless. Hopefully you have some good friends who keep in touch. Glad you have work. Know that you are a hero.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I'm a Boomer & I always send sympathy cards, at times even flowers. I think it means a lot to those grieving, especially when very few do this these days. When my mom died, a church friend of mine sent a card with the most touching & eloquent hand written message. She normally gets on my last nerve, but I looked at her a whole different way after this.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I felt that way about the people from church who came to my mother's funeral.

(0)

Report

I think it is very thoughtful of people to send cards and flowers. It says someone cares and that means a lot at such a time. I am sorry you haven't received any, I couldn't imagine why though.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I agree with all of the comments. What gave me comfort when my mom died was the actions on my part. Her service was perfect - for me! - small and personal, the way she would have wanted. That gives me comfort. Disposing of her items personally to those she cared about - and selling some at garage sales and on craigslist and hearing the personal stories of how people were going to repurpose them or how happy they were to have them. Using what she left me in what I feel is a constructive and purposeful way. Moving forward knowing that I now have my life to lead, free of many years of caregiving. As someone pointed out we really are all alone. If you can take some actions on your own that celebrate your mom's legacy, you might find some personal comfort that you can't necessarily get from other people. Your mom made a difference, even if you are the only one in a position to acknowledge that. I'm sorry for your loss.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Truly a lovely way to celebrate and honor your mother. It is my hope that my family blesses other with as many of my things as possible.

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

Cards were very common in the past. There were no mobile phones, no emails, and many families (including mine as a child) didn’t even have their own phone. The post was the way to communicate.

It’s changed. But I think it was a custom, a habit, with the condolence cards always ready in a drawer. I remember people commenting on the 'gush' of those old cards, often not a real reflection of how the relationship actually was. I’m not sure that people have actually changed that much. Cards went the way of the ‘thank you note’ sent the next morning after a dinner invitation. Perhaps other customs have taken the place of the post?

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

One thing you may want to keep in mind is that if your mother was elderly, many of her friends may have already passed, or are physically or medically unable to attend a funeral, or send flowers or a card.

However it appears the biggest problem is with relatives that did not respond. Were they close while your mother was alive? You mentioned that you are “only” a step. Did other family members receive cards or flowers and you were left out?

I always send flowers for family members to the funeral, however I like the idea posted here to send them to the home 2 weeks after the funeral. The only problem is who to send them to. My husband’s uncle had 8 kids. Couldn’t possibly afford to send an arrangement to all 8! Is it possible that cards or flowers were sent to other family members and meant to be shared with you?

Whatever the circumstances, I offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your mother. Losing a parent is tough. It’s like you are suddenly cut adrift from what anchored you in this world.
I hope you find peace, however long it takes.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

It may be a generational thing (I'm 77) but I still send sympathy cards within 10 days of the funeral. Trying to be part of the "new " generation (and because I am so often on the computer)... I followup within the month with an electronic card if I know the person is "computer savvy. I send cards to anyone I know (good friend, co worker, whatever). I don't send flowers to the service although if I know the surviving person is fond of flowers, I might send them flowers. For close friends, I follow cultural religious guidelines so I might send a Shiva arrangement to a Jewish co worker. I might make a small donation to their favorite charity in lieu of flowers.
So very sorry for your loss. Know that this forum cares for you and your grief. If I had your email I would send you an electronic card. I don't have to know you to care for you or feel your pain. Take time to grieve and know that you will come out of the other side of the tunnel into the sunshine again.
Peace

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Unfortunately alot of people send messages via "social media" as their condolences, but personally I do send cards because that is how I was raised. maybe not flowers, but always a card. I know when my father passed in May 2020 (during virus stuff), it was basically only immediate family that showed up other than 3 outsiders of the family. Even though people could come but had to wear masks, it was only 3 other people to the funeral. Now my dad always said he wanted a closed casket since people never came to visit them when alive, but we had it open. I was kind of hurt that more people didn't show, but alot of times depending on peoples jobs (nurses or people in their own business) may not have the option of showing at a funeral, but they should have at least acknowledged the passing. I guess people have just lost the compassion that we should all have. I am sorry that your mom passed, and hope that you will slowly come to terms that not all have compassion or the knowledge to at least send a card. It will take time to adjust to the loss.....i know with my dad I never fully grieved due to taking care of my mother but there are days where I still think of things and cry, but then I know he is in a better place due to him having dementia for 7 years. I pray that time will help to heal the pain and know that not all think of sending cards or calling to see how you are. Maybe they feel that they won't know what to say. But I hope things get better for you and again sorry for your loss.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Hugs to you too. 2020 was a very confusing year and particularly hard on people who lost loved ones but were unable to give them the send off they wanted and deserved. I think we will be forever changed by it.

(0)

Report

Sorry for your loss and the fact you did not receive cards or calls to let you know they were there and cared. I still send cards, but I am “old school “ and send flowers for family. For very close friends I usually make a donation in their memory.

On the subject of acknowledgement of gifts, that is a real sore spot with me. I have started painting, some obviously better than others, and for Christmas I gave the four children of a deceased stepson paintings. I have yet to even get “I got it “ from any of them. (Left with their mother). Birthday gifts seldom acknowledged, so this year has been different!

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Dear Lolaloud,
I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the fact that you haven't received any cards or calls. It's a shame that people don't reach out as they used to, but that's the world we live in. I have to confess, I have had cards laying on my kitchen table that never got put in the mail. I will have you in my prayers.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Lolaloud: May I say that you've come to the right place for support. I am so very sorry for your loss and send condolences and virtual hugs.
I can only speak for myself. My late mother loved to send greeting cards. I love to and do send greeting cards. Recently extended family members of my mother and I - a husband and wife passed away one day apart IN 2019! I learned of their demise after thinking of them (we had taken my late mother to see them in 2012) and found their obituaries online. I then just recently sent off 2 greeting cards - one to their son and one to their daughter. It also does not matter to me in general whether I receive any greeting card from someone who I've routinely gifted with a card. I cannot change an individual's social habits and do not give it another thought. It will not change who I am - no one special.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

While many people don't send anything due to the electronic age, I find I like to send some kind of acknowledgement to a person who has lost their loved one. I don't send flowers as I am unable to afford them. A card however, I will always have a variety of them around for condolences, birthday, get well to ensure I can send something. I always make sure I have plenty of stamps too.
It is very lonely when no one does anything even a phone call. condolences on your loss

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I still send a card immediately. I call my friend if she is nearby. I usually send flowers to the friend about 2 weeks after the funeral--then they can be enjoyed in a more quiet environmeny. This has proved very helpful and loving.
Regarding the internet: yes posting a notice or pictures of your loved one including a short statement of your loss and the dead person's qualities.
There are also many internet spots where you can send a delightful card to someone. Sorta sad but times are changing. If you are the friend, please realize how important to touch a card or note in your hands.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

not really, Mom just had funeral flowers and one the grandkids "chipped in" I did get a few cards from family and close friends tho

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

After my mom died, I went through her address book and Christmas card list. I found a six or eight people whom I could get hold of, and had not been notified of her death through family networks. I only recognized a couple of names from my childhood, but I called everyone anyway. It was very hard - the emotional equivalent of going outside naked in a snowstorm, but it was very rewarding. I talked to people whose lives had been touched in meaningful ways by my parents.
Other than that, the people who sent flowers or cards, or who have asked how I was doing have been my own friends and family on my husband's side.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

After reading your post, I got to thinking that I only sent condolences to one of my 3 cousins after their father died. But then, we didn't keep in touch after he remarried and his current wife never told anyone in our family that he was even ill, let alone he had died. She never told us about the funeral and published the obituary after it took place. I got my information from his first wife in an email. I guess they thought that because my mother - his sister - had already passed away, the rest of us wouldn't care.

(1)

Report

yes, I do! I know how you feel! I often wonder that myself! We have a dear friend who sent flowers to my husband at the nursing home! It meant the world to me even tho it was several weeks before he knew!

Blessings My Friend!

Ginger

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

When Mom died, the only flowers were the ones sent to the church where her Memorial Service was held. We distributed those to friends and family after the service. We did get some cards, but the strongest response was when we posted her obituary along with a recent picture — on our individual sites and on groups we shared membership in. The comments came pouring in and I’ve never heard so many people use the words “kind” and “kindness”. Knowing that that is what she was remembered for was much more meaningful to me than hard copy cards would have been. Same with my sister’s obituary. Prompted heartfelt responses from all over FB. Since buying and sending a card nowadays costs upwards of $5 in most case, I gotta admit, I also send fewer than I did. Life changes our ways of communicating, but there are still lots of fairly easy ways to offer that “common sense” recognition, sympathy, and caring. It’s still common sense to do that.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

true, if you like cards send a small donation to vfw, you will get tons of cards, i even called them for more and they sent them! They are very nice too, not like the usual freebies, tc, our condolences!

(1)

Report

See 2 more replies

I agree that many people today have not been taught things that were once considered "common courtesy". Plus people are generally uncomfortable with death and would rather forget or ignore it, particularly if they have not lost loved ones themselves.

Sometimes, the people most likely to express concern are simply never informed. Older people often read the obituary section of the local paper, but young people almost never do (may not even read a local newspaper).

After the death of my sister-in-law, my niece mentioned looking over her mothers address book. An actual paper "address book" is a rarity in today's world but used to be very common.
I suggested she look at some of the addresses of people who lived a distance away, especially look for people whose names she recognized. They could be old friends who would have no way to know of her mother's passing. My suggestion was to send copies of the obituary and a brief note stating that, since their addresses were found in her address book, they must have been (or were) friends and might be interested to know of her passing. It took only a little extra time but she received several cards of condolence from grateful recipients.

Being elderly myself, I'm often left wondering about old friends or acquaintances...where are they...are they still alive? I'm also of a generation that still sends condolence cards and will send one if I have an address to which to send it.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

My father age 95 died December 2020. Due to COVID the funeral attendance was restricted to my sister and I, our husbands, two grandchildren and one greatgrandchild. Dad was a deacon for decades in his small hometown church. He spent hours visiting sick church members and serving on committees....not a card nor a flower was sent to remember him....not even a phone call or text to comfort our 90 year old mom came from the church or the pastor. Of all the 25 or so cousins in our hometown only one sent a card. My dad and mom have attended the funerals of the parents of all these cousins but they didn't bother to contact their only remaining aunt or my sister or me. I am at a loss for words as to why no one seemed to notice when he passed. My dad reached out to others in love and I will strive to honor his memory by doing the same whether it is reciprocated in my time of loss or not.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Hugs to you and your mother. Your father left a wonderful legacy in you.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

Sadly we are ultimately alone. When my husband died I did have support from friends…but it fades away. This is just the way things are. Try not to be too hurt and carry on your life being open to kindness. We bereaved people are in this together. Just know that you are loved by strangers in the same boat.
Take care

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Everyone is ultimately bereaved. It's the great equalizer.

(0)

Report

Lolaloud..........I know how you feel..............I care.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

So do I

(1)

Report

Lots of good responses below...especially Mermal. The burial place usually has a memorial page that people do place their thoughts...please check that, besides Facebook (which I don't like using). Even my husband's children didn't send (or say anything at the repast), except for one son-in-law and one grandson (out of several). I did have alot of people give donations to the charities I wrote in the obituary, but nothing personal to me. After taking care of him at in-home hospice for the last 4 months (which I'm thankful for), no appreciation was spoken (never mind cards or phone calls)! His ex-wife's cousin has kept in contact with me, and has even helped drive me a doctor's visit. She remembers how my husband and I used to drive her and her sister to family gatherings. I gave a lot of stuff to his children and grandchildren, and no thank you at all. I still, occasionally, call his children (mid-50s), to find out how they and the grandchildren are. Just don't bother dwelling on their lack of sensitivity or compassion...They're too self-centered and uncaring. Sorry for the loss of your Mom, may she RIP, and you realize YOU did all you could for her, out of love, and find your own peace.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

When my mom passed, I was not sure who she was still in contact with and she was not. She had been in assisted living and I knew her friends there. After she passed, I found her phone book. I bought some pretty stationary and typed up a one page tribute to my mom and sent to everyone in the phone book, etc. I did receive a number of cards back with kind words and remembrances if mom. Some people didn't know of her condition and thanked me for letting them know. Immediate family was of no comfort but her friends were.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

So sorry for your loss, please cherish your memories and keep being who you were raised to be and you will be blessed.
My dad transitioned this past February and although he was 100 years old we were not expecting it. We had celebrated his 100 birthday in September 2020 with a drive by parade and the turn out was awesome, when he transitioned in February the response was good but what surprised me was that the people I expected to send a card, call or attend his graveside ceremony did not, I was hurt by that but there were people who I had lost contact with who came through. The relatives disappointed me likewise, my dad was the second last to survive of 12 brothers and sisters, I would have expected more but I’ve learned we cannot depend on others no matter who they are because you will be disappointed. Continue to be you and please don’t be stressed on how uncaring society has become. I pray for you God’s richest blessings and peace!

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Wise words

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

I feel the response you need is us showing caring and compassion for your loss. Saying what other people 'do' only hurts you more, when what needs addressing are your feelings and hurt.
* We do not know the relationship(s) you have with friends or family.
* We do not know the relationship(s) your mom had with others.
I will say that cards helped me tremendously when my mom died although not everyone sent me a card. People respond in their own ways, not necessarily how we would like them to respond . . . which happens all the time in life when we have expectations or project how another 'should' be / behave. I feel for your pain and feeling alone, not acknowledged for your loss. We here care about you. We feel your loss and send you hugs and understanding for your loss.
Gena / Touch Matters

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

So sorry for your loss. I think that people don't send flowers as much because they feel it is a waste. More and more they want to do something more meaningful like a donation to a preferred charity of the person who was lost. Perhaps the other family members did not understand how close you were with your stepmother. Or she was not close to some of her own family members. It is hard to know how much is generational behavior and how much is relationship based. At this point you must do what you need to to help yourself deal with your grief. Therapy and support groups are one source. You might also want to get involved with volunteering in some organization that you and your step mother valued. It would be a way to honor her memory and provide you with an opportunity to build new relationships and therefore feel less lonely. Best wishes for your healing heart.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

1 2 3

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Does anyone even send flowers or cards anymore after someone dies?

81 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions