Lolaloud Asked June 2021
Does anyone even send flowers or cards anymore after someone dies?
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Yes, people do not send flowers much anymore. Where do you put the huge memorial wreaths afterwards? Cards are nice, but most feel they don't really convey their feelings. If you miss somebody, reach out to them. Most folks want to do the "right thing" but are not sure what that is anymore. Let them know what you need.
Praying you connect with loving people who can show you the kindness you need right now.
I think that's very insightful. But I think that's a reflection of the current level of interaction between people.
I also think that acknowledging losses, birthdays and other important dates were part of a culture that bonded more with others, and as others have mentioned, supported their feelings, calls and attendances at funerals with flowers and cards. I think the texting generation doesn't really understand that closeness. Or perhaps they're not comfortable with it.
Texting to me is a way of communicating but keeping others at a distance; to me it's very impersonal (not to mention perhaps dangerous for wrists, as one arm doctor told me almost a dozen years ago.)
Overall, I think human relationships have changed a lot b/c of tech devices, and personal relationships have deteriorated, or at least become less close, while self focus if not absorption has skyrocketed.
I am baffled how the younger generations fail to take notice. It's like they can't look up from their cellphones to see what is happening in the world around them. But I was totally surprised when my 16 year old God-daughter had sent me a thank you note in a greeting card earlier this month for a surprised gift I sent her. In the past she would text me [which was ok]. Even her generation doesn't do emails which I prefer as I can raise the font size so I can read it.
When it comes to gifts, when I was a young adults I remember my Mom had told me if you send gifts on two occasions and get no thank-yous back, then stop sending gifts.
When I was little, there were people who gave me clothes as a gift, and of course my reactions ranged from apathetic to disappointed, because I was hoping for toys or more "interesting" gifts. My mother would say we have to thank Mrs. So-and-so when sent them, which I did (if I remember correctly!). Many years later I mentioned this to my father, and we sort of joked about it--if I received a gift that has the familiar rectangular shape and of a certain weight, I would mouth the word "clothes" to him and he would laugh. Of course I had more appreciation for them, or at least let on that I did, although my mother sometimes bought me shirts having color combinations that were probably unknown to science.
I really think it all depends on how close you remain to people & if you keep in touch with them.
My mom just passed & I received 2 plants, 3 vases of flowers & a card with a check that I’m going to donate in her memory to a charity of my choosing.
Right or wrong, please don't dwell on it. If you have other close friends or family, reach out to them when you need to talk. Continue your therapy. Grieving can be an unfolding process - and it takes time. Be kind to yourself, and part of doing that is letting go of resentment, and doing little things that bring you happiness. This site is wonderful to vent your feelings and help get you through your journey. I wish you peace and comfort.
That helps me understand why sig other and I hear squat from a step-granddaughter who is in her 30's when ever we send a gift [usually a check] for her birthday or Christmas.
Please focus on treating yourself kindly. Pick up a bouquet at a farmer’s market or give yourself a break by getting carryout instead of cooking.
Treat yourself with great loving kindness.
I do think that you are correct in saying that people are busy and live in their own little world.
I wish that people showed common courtesy to each other more often than they do.
One of my favorite memories from a dear friend was after my father died she gave me a beautiful maple tree. It has grown quite a bit! When I look at my tree, I think of my sweet dad and my dear friend.
I send cards, flowers or donation of their choice. I have a Mass said if they are Catholic. I suppose that I am very traditional in my beliefs regarding this situation. I have also cooked a dish to bring to the family. My church has a ministry that notifies parishioners of families in need of meals and we cook and deliver the meals.
I am very sorry for your loss. Take care.
For me, I no longer send cards for any occasion - at $6-9 a card, they are expensive, but I will send a handwritten note if it was someone I knew and was close to me. I also no longer send flowers (they are also unnecessarily expensive), since so many people have allergies and so many companies that send the flowers don't always do a nice job or use quality flowers (meaning, they limp out a day after receiving). I do email someone because that way I know they receive my sentiments (usps loses a lot of stuff), and it is sent/received within hours - not days or weeks -- and can reply/respond upon receipt.
I know this doesn't sound 'correct' but at my age, given my tight financial budget and a circle of friends that is getting smaller each passing year, my expectations and interactions are very different than previous decades.
Leave 'em all wondering!!!! And don't get in any sort of hurry (unless you have to) to divvy out what you plan to divvy out. If you really want to drive it home, put a note in the box and say 'after' sending out various items, I saw this and thought of you (then that person will wonder if that means they were not on the list, rather an afterthought).
A little mind game might be just what you need!!
And, yes, the habit of writing condolences is a thing of the past.
Many people my age put it out on Facebook when a parent has passed away, not really taking into account that there are people (like me and my family) who aren't on Facebook. There are times I don't find out until months later that someone has lost a loved one, which is obviously too late to send anything to the funeral.
When my mom died in the middle of the pandemic, we actually kept our notifications very minimal, because we didn't want people to feel compelled to come to the funeral in the middle of the pandemic. I did send notes out to anyone who sent my mom a Christmas card. along with a prayer card from the wake, to let them know she had passed. If I thought it was hard to let people I know that mom had passed, I really agonized on how to word it to people that I DIDN'T know. That was tough! I did get sympathy cards back from some of them, but others not. That didn't really bother me; what I did get a bit peeved about was the fact that I came across my grandfather's wallet among mom's things, which I sent to my cousin (the only boy in the family) with a note saying I thought he might appreciate it as a memento from our grandfather. He never did acknowledge it one way or the other. Not really surprised, considering his personality, but irked about it nonetheless.
Sometimes, people just don't know the "right" thing to say, so they elect to say nothing instead.
My deepest sympathies on your loss. (((hugs)))
Often I send a card and a cash donation to a cause that the deceased cared about.
And personally? I see some of my kids being VERY thoughful and kind when they see a friend has lost a parent or sibling, but for the most part, they are consumed by their own lives. I am not proud of this aspect of their personalities, but I'd never say anything. If you are too busy to acknowledge the passing of a friend, or a parent of a friend, then you need to re-evaulate your life as to what is important.
When my brother died I did not get one card or flower. Same thing when my daddy passed. He'd asked for all donations to go to our church and I didn't expect any flowers--but a card would have been nice.
So sorry. People are self absorbed.
I am a huge card sender, and always have been. But that is how I was raised(I'm 61.)I like to send cards of encouragement, sympathy, or just thinking/praying for you. When my husband died last Sept. I did receive lots of cards, and we didn't have a service for him as we scattered his ashes last month.
It is kind of a lost tradition(sadly), but I always get a positive response from the person to whom I send a card to. I think they're usually surprised that someone actually still does that, and it's always appreciated.
I am sorry that you lost your mom. I know you're still grieving. But I wouldn't give this issue any more thought. Lots of people are just uncomfortable when it comes to death and dying and aren't sure what to say or do, so don't take it personal. Just make sure that you yourself are doing unto others as you would have them do to you, because what goes around comes around. Please take care of yourself. God bless you.
Flowers really aren't a thing anymore, because of the "In lieu of flowers" note always in obituaries, but out of 350 people at my dad's funeral, only 12 sent donations. (That was totally fine with me.)
What I did treasure, though, were those 350 people who made the effort to come to his service. Our minds were absolutely blown.
Rather than dwell on the lack of consideration by others, try to pay it forward and do for others what was not done for them. Long before my dad died, I started sending copies to the family of photos I might have had of the deceased person, especially if it was from an event where family might not have been in attendance. I started doing it when our neighbors' 16-year-old daughter died suddenly, and her mother was so grateful to have more pictures of the child she'd never see again. I know I'd give anything for more pictures of my dad from any era.
Use your pain to show more consideration to others in theirs, and you may succeed in teaching them that compassion and kindness are never inappropriate.