Does anyone feel guilty for skipping a visit?

poetry21 - do not feel useless. You ARE there, that is what matters. You are not a doctor nor do you have god-like powers or a magic wand. Being there for her IS important. As you noted what happened was NOT your fault (and you did try to warn her!), so there should be no guilt. She may not remember you were there, but you will. Go when you can, stay as long as you can and know this is what you can do and let the guilt go sit in a corner!

That's the same with me, my mom in rehab and she is having miserable life, but when I come, she does not remember that i ve been there 5 minutes ago and I am agonizing before and after. I cant bring her home and i am feeling all guilty about her being there and living such life. Wanted to write exact post but just see the responses here. horrible and terrible experience, especially if you know that you cant help. She was very active before that all happens (all by her fault and not listening my advice) but still I feel guilty and terrible and all my family struggle because of that.Coming every day but feeling that I am most of the time useless there...

I lost my husband three weeks ago. I visited him everyday at the nursing home except for one day when the weather was rough and I assured myself that he would be taken good care of by staff there. Sure enough, he was, according to the staff, he was vibrant and chatty. The next day however received a call from the nursing home he aspirated after breakfast.  At the emergency room, the doctors declared he was at the end stage of life and there was nothing more they could do. I was with him in our last journey together, holding hands, praying the Lord's pray but I wish I had been with him just the day before.

You should not feel guilty for skipping a day. There is no way to know when she will breathe her last and it could be at any time when you are not normally there. You have done all that you can, it likely is just a matter of time. Do what you can, be there when you can and know that you have done your best.

Knowing the end is near and trying to split yourself between Mom and your family is a very stressful juggling act. There can be no looking back at the what ifs and I wish I had. You have to make the right decisions for you at that particular time. When we put my mother on comfort care and moved her from the hospital to a SNF I had a couple of choices. Move her closer to me (I lived over 1 ½ hours away from Mom’s home and farther from the hospital) or keep her close to her sister who was helping me take care of her when she was still home. Since I also worked and had a teenage son at home with a broken leg just starting a new school year and a husband that drove nights, I kept her near her sister. That way my Aunt was more than happy to visit Mom daily and just sit and read all day. I was able to get there on the weekends and stayed in Mom’s house. I got a call early one morning that I should come and the end was near. My Aunt & I sat with her all day, her breathing was labored but little changed during the day. My Aunt who had sat with many people during their final hours said she thought Mom would make it through the night and that maybe I should go get my son & husband and come back in the morning. Before I left I told Mom if you need to go don’t stay for me & to give Dad a kiss for me when she saw him. I got half way home when my Aunt called to say she was gone. She waited until I was far enough away that I would continue home to get my husband & son. Your Mom will choose the time that is right for her and you should not feel bad if you are not there. Eleven years later I still tell myself we made the right choices at the time with the information we had.

Devastatedmom12, I too am an only child and would visit my dad every single day when he was in his facility. I wasn’t as concerned with him transitioning and not being there as much as I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. He was also verbal and very much aware I was there despite his dementia, so we’d talk, sing, dance, watch tv together.

I absolutely felt guilty when I missed a day, but a time came that I needed a mental & emotional break and I took days here and there (once it was a full 5 days after a frustrating dementia day). Give yourself that latitude and as it’s been said, alert the nurses and they will let you know if you should come.

I will say go as much as you can, make more memories and cherish every second. I’d give anything to spend one more day with my dad, he passed in September 2017 alone at a wonderful hospice and I’m actually glad I wasn’t there to see him take his last breath. It was excruciating enough watching him decline. 

You are doing a wonderful job, as people always say take care of you. 

I am going through a similar situation, caring for both parents for more than a year. I´m an only child, father has dementia and mother has cancer stage four. I would suggest don´t being too sentimental about it. You are doing a job that is meant for a minimun of two people, if not more. Trying to fix someone elses life is not okey if you are harming yourself. Find a balance between your mother´s needs and yours. It´s a must. Hugs to you.

Oh yes. I think that for caregivers, guilt is unavoidable. But you are doing all you can. Sometimes we reach our limit and something has to give. Caregiving drains us physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually... and when we have children we are responsible and owe our time to, it feels like there is nothing of us left.

I think you did the right thing going to your daughter's ceremony. Your Mom would want that for both of you. It is so hard to be the only child. I am too, and last year I almost didn't go on a week's vacation after traveling for work, but my Mom could have many more years. I felt guilty because I want a life, but I am her life. Mom was fine while I was away. I did the same this year, and I could have gotten her from the nursing home two days ago, but I needed some down time. Getting a break is a necessity sometimes. I think caregivers literally die from the stress sometimes.

To answer your question, yes, I feel guilty if we don't see my mom (95 yrs.old with stage 6 Alzheimer's) in the Memory Care facility every week. She sometimes knows my name but most often recognizes my face. She tells me I haven't visited for a long time (just 6 days ago).

Mom was an alcoholic in my early childhood and always a narcissist. I am an only child. We weren't close for most of my life. Now I feel like I need to be there for her even though we didn't "bond" like most moms and daughters do. I'm all she's got.

When we recently went on vacation for a week, I inwardly felt guilty but knew the time away would be restorative. I also know from my hospital and hospice days that patients usually prefer to die with no one there. Many of my patients have died when the families finally left. I figure death is a personal experience that is best done alone.

You can not prevent her death by being there.
And your last three words, "I'm mentally breaking." shows how much stress you are under. Those three words give you the "reason" to not keep visiting every day. It would be a terrible shame if something happened to you (from the stress) when your children clearly need you.

Please taper down your visits for your own health and sanity and to be a stable parent to your kids. I understand what "waiting for the bomb to drop" is like. Waiting for the inevitable (death) is sheer torture. Take a break and don't beat yourself up for it. Think of skipping visits as a present to your kids.

God bless you all.

I agree with most of the responses. The very fact that you feel guilty shows you that you care and if you care then most of the time you are probably doing the right thing. Don't beat yourself up. End of life care is emotionally debilitating enough without adding guilt to the equation.

I was just thinking today about my last visit with my Mom at the nursing home. It was the annual caregiver/staff meeting where we discussed Mom's care and how things could be done better. My brother and I went up to see Mom afterward and he had to go back to work. I debated within myself, should I stay or get a ride home with him. Turns out that was the last time I would see my Mom conscious. She was rushed to the hospital a week later and never regained consciousness. Whenever I revisit that day in my mind I want to cry. Mom had curlers in her hair that day and she was dressed which was a rarity. I imagine the staff had told her to spruce up cause she would be getting a visit that day. When I left with my brother I could see she was disappointed but for whatever reason I was mentally fatigued that day and just didn't want to stay. I feel so guilty when I think of this. I loved my Mom so much and never wanted to see her sad or disappointed. But life gets in the way sometimes even when you have the best of intentions. I had no idea that would be my last conversation with my blessed Mom. Well the last face to face conversation anyways.

I'm sorry you are feeling guilty but don't. I'm sure your Mom knows how much you love her.

You cannot hold on to guilt, else you fall faint and ill. Every caregiver needs occasional respite. I had to do out of state caregiving and in that time, I did ask a friend of my mother's to take her to an appointment twice because moving out of state is hard.

When my grandmother was ill, my dad spent every available moment at the hospital with her. One afternoon late I finally convinced him to go home and get some rest - he was in his 80's and was exhausted. I promised to spend the night with her. My dad had barely made it out of the parking lot when she passed away. Of course he tortured himself for months because he was not at her side, but I am firmly convinced that she was waiting for him to leave so that she could pass. Sometimes, out of concern for their loved ones, people will resist dying in order to spare others pain. I held my grandmother's hand at the end and she knew that, while I loved her very much, I was strong enough to handle losing her. Sometimes I believe we do our loved ones a disservice with our constant presence. Do not let guilt drag you down. Your mom knows that you love her & don't want to lose her. Consider that while you are giving yourself some "space" that you may also be allowing "space" for her.

I know exactly how you feel. I have been going to visit my mom at the nursing facility every day and I always say “I’ll see you tomorrow mom” And give her a kiss goodbye. I missed one day when I was babysitting my grand child in another city. By the time the parents got home and I fought the traffic, visiting hours were over. She is always very happy to see me and calls out my name as if it’s been a month since I had been there when it was only one day. She does not seem to recognize every day that I’m there however if I miss one day she tells me how much she missed me and I feel so bad

My mom was in and out of the hospital for about 5 months before her recurring cancer was too much; the last stretch was about 3 weeks. Dad was there a lot, but I was in high school and working and couldn't be there; she wasn't recognizing us much. (I did lose the job over the time I had taken off.) The thing I don't forget is that our church organized 24/7 relays of friends to stay with for that 3-week stretch so that Dad and I could cope. We got a call from the hospital at breakfast that told us she had passed; we dropped everything and went to the hospital and funeral home etc etc, and I have always been glad we had stuff that kept us busy. This was many years ago. A few years back I was back in my home town for a reunion, and the daughter of the friend who had been the one with mom at the end told me that her mom was glad and honored that she was there. (My brothers all lived in different parts of the country and came home for the service.)
Every family's story is different, but we all will have a final day. I have learned over the years that the point of times like this is connecting with people you don't see often (assuming reasonable people) and sharing memories. I have had my share of annoying and unhelpful inlaws, but I just feel sorry for them to have not shared things well.

I'm always curious why we think that we must visit our elderly parents every day, no matter what, when they are in a hospital or nursing home. When we were children, they did not spend every waking hour with us.

We all deserve to have our own lives - whether we are the parents of our young children or the "parents" of our elderly parents.

You probably have to ask my only sibling my brother who skips visits all the time....I don’t think he feels one bit guilty. Why just today he said he’s not coming to visit because there’s too much traffic! I’m here all alone taking care of mom doing diaper changes & in house all day..

I too feel your pain. Hugs to you. My mother was sent by her ALF to the hospital for problems with not eating, as she had had throat issues in the past and each time a procedure helped her. They were also hoping she could get connected with some additional therapy to help her move about. (She was refusing and they were concerned about effects on her congestive heart failure.) Long story short, neither the staff of her home nor I seemed to realize how truly sick she was. I had been through so much with her for years, helping her to deal with hospitalizations and rehabilitations and ALF care. She was in a place she loved and I visited her usually twice a week, bringing her things she needed and spending time. I have three surviving brothers, with two out of state and one with a disability, the latter who saw her when we could arrange it and he was well enough. Well, with this last hospitalization she had her throat procedure again, but it did not help this time for her to eat. The doctor explained to me in various ways that her organs were shutting down, her (to this point mild) dementia was making it hard for her system to perform its necessary functions, and her heart condition was getting worse. My mother "always" bounced back from stuff, so in my denial I truly had myself convinced she would do so again! But I also understood the seriousness of what the doctor was telling me. So in what turned out to be the last couple of days of her life, I called my brothers more and more on the phone and filled them in, "mourned" with them. We arranged for the three of them to come down the next day to visit her for the last time. I stayed by Mom's side most of the week she was hospitalized, but went home each night for rest and emotional regrouping. It was only me and the hospital staff caring for and visiting Mom at that point, so I was tired. The day she passed away, I stayed there with her all day, wiping her brow, ensuring that finally the staff gave her the pain medication she needed, talking to her, praying and meditating, watching her rest fitfully, with her unable to communicate much. I told her about 6 that evening that the brothers were coming to see her tomorrow and so was I, and that I loved her, that we all loved her. Still in a little bit of denial then, I guess, I truly thought she would still be with us "tomorrow." Well, shortly after I got home that evening I received "the call" from the nurse on duty. Ouch. The only thing that eases my "guilt" feelings (when they creep through as they will) is that I heard my long-deceased father's voice a few hours before I left. Dad's voice from Spirit was saying, "Girl, we'll take it from here." I also sensed her parents and others around. That gave me more solace than anything. I believe in a Higher Power and that was telling me it was OK, let it go, even the man from whom Mom had been divorced for 52 years was going to be there to greet her. I know I did my best. You are doing your best. Try not to let those little guilt buggers seep into you. Do your best, know the love that is there, and release when it is time. I wish you and yours the best in this truly tough time. Many of us know what you are going through.

This is such a great place to come for reassurance, Devastated, I'm so glad you posted here, this is like having a bunch of siblings - except sometimes sibs aren't so understanding! I'm sure its hard to go this alone, I am so fortunate to have a sister who helps tirelessly and even for my 4 brothers who have to be drug along :0) sometimes. The hospice idea is a great one - my dear dad was a Hospice volunteer for a handful of years; he would go to a home or hospital room and sit - either chatting or reading his own book (at the request of the patient) so that the family could go out and feel good about 'someone' being there to watch over their LO. They assigned him to certain people so that it was almost always him when they needed someone - it gave the family great comfort. You have surely spoken to mom even when you know she cannot speak back - tell her exactly how you feel and how thankful you are for the years you've had together. If she hears you, it will bless her soul, if only 'you' hear you, it will give you peace of mind. So big takeaway - be at peace, you have done all you can to be a loving daughter - and she would want you to be a wonderful mother, absolutely no guilt! And, keep coming back here for your online family's support!

Dear Devasted Mom, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I am not an only child, but I was my Mom's primary care provider. She was my best friend. But you do not say if there are other family members, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. Could someone else stay with your Mom while you do other things? Someone else made the suggestion of letting them know that you will not be visiting, and they can contact you when the time is actually near.

This may help you too. I had a friend who had her sick father in the hospital. Everyone went to visit him, his wife, children, grandchildren, friends and family. One day my friend stayed home to clean up her house, and the other relatives had just left him to go eat. While everyone was gone, he left. It's as if by their constant vigilance they were keeping his spirit here, once he was alone he felt that he could go in peace.

No sure what you may believe. But the spirit does not die, and even though the physical body is not beside you, her spirit is. Mom left the physical world but I can sometimes sense that she is still near. Good luck with you and your family. Remember that you are just one person, and cannot be in two places at one time. Love to you all.

Yes Touchmatters, I totally love your technique!
* Feel, Deal and Heal*

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I give my disease a voice too. When an urge sneaks up, or a resentment, or past guilts, or the dreaded "not feeling good enough", insecurities...etc, I always know this is my disease looking to take me down.

So I go right to "it" and think, 
"Not today pal! But thanks for the warning"....Then I know I must dig deeper and find out why I'm feeling this way.

I know folks without the disease of addiction, face these feelings too, but their minds generally don't think poisoning themselves and blowing their lives sky high is the answer. Lucky devil's! Lol.

It's common for loving people to say, just don't feel that way. I didn't know how not to. But learning *how*, made all the difference in the world. For me anyway.

What a blessing to know others feel the same way, for the same reason! It's so helpful for healing. I just love this site! Most people give freely, straight from the heart💓
Again, great advice!

In recovery we say;
*What you resist....Persists*

I suggest 'role playing' a situation where you feel guilty and in the role play, ask yourself: What can I do right now to release these feelings (guilt). See what you do . . . then try something else (get up, sing, dance) - it is a role playing. After you go through a few "I could do . . . , re-evaluate how you feel. By giving yourself options - in your mind - before you are in a situation - will allow you to draw from them when you are in the situation. You are re-programming your mind to release guilt somehow. One releases by addresses it HEAD ON. Feel through it. (This is a Focusing technique). Follow the feeling, be with it. What you do not want to do is avoid it cause it'll then cling to you like a magnet. Face it and talk to it. Befriend 'it' - give it a voice.  This is important.  Ask the guilt what 'it' needs to let go.  It will talk to you.  Pushing it away only makes it want to be closer to you. I hope this makes sense. It is a process / technique I've used over the years for myself and working with clients.  Google FOCUSING; you can also get a Focusing session from a professional (over the phone).

I am so sorry you are going thru this alone. its the hardest thing I think in the world to watch your parents life coming to an end. I agree with everyone that hospice is the right and humane way to help your parent onto the path of a new life in heaven. I too went through it with both parents at the same time. they passed three weeks apart.
hospice will help you through the process. you can take your parent home or leave them in the hospital. my parents came home to pass in their own surroundings that I felt would be better for them.
even if you choose to leave your parent in the hospital hospice is there to help. speak to the doctor. the doctor can hook you up with the social worker. the hospice people are the most caring wonderful people. they are there for the patient and for the family going through the pain also.
I wish you all of the strength you need to get through this ordeal.

Hey I am sorry to hear that your mom is near the end. But I kinda know how you feel. I'm an only child. But my dad has drained my mom. She feels guilty when she can't be there for him. I do as well. It's because you care you feel like that. But your kids need you. Just find some breaks for them and your self.

Oh, I felt sooooooooooo guilty for soooooooooo long!!!!!! Visited every day and flagellated self if I missed a day.

But then I realized....

that five minutes after I left, my mom didn't even remember that I had been there.

Conversely, and this is HUGE, at any given moment she could not remember whether I had been there five minutes before!

Truth is, she is fine with or without me. She enjoys my company but does not miss me when I am not there.

Some consolation.

I know exactly how you feel. My dad is resides in memory care about 5 minutes away. I usually stop in daily just for a few minutes. A year ago he went into hospice care as he has prostate cancer. The doctor said months yet he still is hanging in there. I’m paralyzed with the thought of him passing away when I’m away so I take no more than a day trip away.
Not sure how to break this thought pattern.

Usually the dying person will go into a coma about two days before the actual death--the hands and feet take on a mottled appearance that hospice staff are very familiar with. My mom died in a hospital in the middle of the night, when my daughter was on watch. Both of us for there when my husband died in hospice, but he had been unconscious for several days. I stayed there until he died.....although I don't think he was aware of anything. The worst thing was his eyes and mouth remained open and I tried to shut them but couldn't. My daughter, being an RN, knew how to do it. So I don't think the dying person is usually aware of what's going on, don't feel guilty if you aren't there.

I feel your pain. My sibling and I took care of our Mom for four years as she slowly declined., she lived over 1000 miles away. After a bad hip fracture she needed a nursing home. We visited twice a day fir 3 months. We both had to leave for my daughter’s wedding, , mom passed 2 days after the wedding, 2 days before my sister was due back. Please don’t feel guilty your Mom would want you to spend time with your family or just get a needed break. Good luck on this sad journey. Remember happier times with Mom. Hugs to you.

I too am an only child and when my father died (in a different state) I wasn’t able to be there. I feel guilt and always will. He was in a wonderful hospice facility and I know that he wasn’t alone as I was on the phone hourly with the facility on his last day and he died peacefully. His wish was not to be kept alive by artificial means. Does your mother have an end of life directive? I urge you to contact hospice for the support and direction you are in need of.

All these deep-felt, compassionate and experienced replies have my crying. I'm in a similar situation except I live over 150 miles away from Dad. What I can share is that my sister and I were with Mom as she died 10 years ago. I was sleeping right next to her (exhausted as the vigil went on a long long time). She took her last breath and I was utterly passed out and didn't hear it, though the oxygen machine kept loudly pumping. My sister heard it while she was sleeping because it was broadcast to a baby monitor by sister's ear and she was attuned to attending babies' breathings whereas I am childless. Hospice was phenomenal, but they aren't there 24/7.

The state of dissociation both of us lived with for weeks of dying (god help those with months or year of dying) have stayed with us as an unresolvable trauma. My father is on Hospice, and that isn't real either. Mom had said to me once that she wasn't sure how she felt about us being there for her death. After my experiences, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be there for Dad's death. I feel cruel and heartless, but 15-plus years of vigils have burned me out. You are still able to hold on to a very beautiful and active loving ability to be there to care, for all. If it should happen you lose that motivation, even for a day or so, we've got to support each other and say that guilt can be a beacon for future actions, but it can also be a malicious ghost that will destroy your joy in life for years to come.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. With your mom having dementia was it her wishes to be placed on a vent and feeding tube in her advanced directive ? If it was then there's nothing to be done. But the vent is breathing for her and the nutrition are keeping her alive. You don’t say why she’s in the hospital but sounds likes she’s nearing the end so I don’t understand the artificial means to keep her alive. Do you have hospice involved...I hope so. If not please do as they can help you through her dying process and especially should you at some point need to make a decision to take her off artificial means of life. What would your mother want is the question and do not feel guilt...you’ve done nothing wrong. Your mom knows you’re a good daughter and that you loved her.