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He was diagnosed w dementia 7 yrs ago, then Alzheimer's 3 yrs ago. My husband is a very determined individual. A great guy, but not easily redirected. He was always critical of anyone drinking to excess. For the past 2-3 years his limited world seems to revolve around drinking. He sleeps much of the day, everyday. Wakes in the afternoon & drinks until he goes to sleep. He is not mean, but becomes very angry if challenged. I have been told to not buy it or not allow him to have it. Challenging him is a constant battle. I am worn out with the struggle.

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JeanieJane, I don't know who told you not to let him have it. You tell whoever it was to do that themselves. Take yourself out of the equation. I come from a long line of drunks, I know. My theory, which is mine alone. He is going to die anyway so what difference does it make? If it keeps him happy and compliant, so be it. It makes life easier for you.

Notice for everyone out there, this is my theory after living my life with a family full of Alcoholics.
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AlvaDeer Oct 2019
Unless there are falls and violence or other danger I think your advice is very sound.
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I have dealt with TWO elderly alcoholic parents. The whole "who is buying it", "water it down", is bullcrap. Don't let anyone put the blame on you, JeanieJane. I had to buy it for my parents or they would have driven the car themselves and possibly killed someone. This went on for years, and still does with my mom. She will drag herself to the store no matter what - in a walker, etc. and they even bring it out to her car because she is a frequent flyer. Watering it down - well that will be figured out real quick. It's not your fault and I'm sure you are just trying to make it through each day.

My dad was the one with dementia and he ended up in a care home. Sadly, it was hard to diagnose the progression of the dementia due to the alcohol comingling, and the neurologists and other doctors finally gave up and I was tasked with sticking him in a memory care facility. There he rots.

Mom sits at home alone drinking from 7 AM until pass-out. If she calls, I buy it for her because I don't want it on my conscience if she kills someone getting to the store. They will get to the store. They will crawl to the store if need be. When mom couldn't walk, dad dragged her out to the car and shoved her in behind the wheel to take him to the store and get his wine.

Don't put this on the poster. There probably is no solution. Husband will end up unable to live at home, but it will NOT be her fault.
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Riverdale Oct 2019
If they can walk or crawl to the store than so be it. But they shouldn't be driving period with this behavior. Disable the car. Simply explain they cannot drive if they drink to this excess. They could be sued but they are also putting innocent people at risk. I have relatives who were killed by drunk drivers. I also have a relative who gave himself alcohol poisoning and ended up in a coma with lasting effects of those similar to a stroke victim,impaired for life. Please attempt to save innocents from this behavior. I truly understand the power of addiction. Those who could care less do not have the right to put others at risk.
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Some residents with dementia/Alzheimer's at the Memory Care community I work at have their doctor's approval to drink alcohol. It's ordered for them on a monthly basis and doled out by the care givers. I don't know how much they're 'allowed' to have, though. In my opinion, let your DH have what he wants if he's not causing danger to you, trying to drive, or causing falls that create ambulance rides to the hospital. These diseases are horrible, and if alcohol helps him in some way, then leave him alone. It's the same thing with telling my mother she 'shouldn't' eat chocolate because it's either 'no good for her' or 'too fattening'. Who really cares, at this stage of the game? If her cholesterol is too high which causes her to pass away a bit earlier than nature intended, so be it. At least she will have died with a smile on her face.

Again, just my 2 cents worth. Why 'challenge him' if it's causing YOU such distress? I think you already have enough on your plate, frankly.

Best of luck!
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Riverdale Oct 2019
Is your mother obese because mine is. It is making her increasingly immobile. I know I can't change it,couldn't for years but I feel it will hasten her life to a NH from AL and will make it very hard for her to be moved,bathed etc. I have pretty much given up. She eats the wrong snacks at the facility. I just dread a life for her confined to bed.
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I hope you are able to resolve this issue soon. It can and usually does take time though. So sorry you have to deal with this on top of his medical issues.

I dealt with a terminally ill brother who was also addicted to heroin. You’re right. It it exhausting to have additional problems on top of an illness. My brother died from Hepatitis C. He also had really bad diabetes.

The suggestions to dilute the booze might be a good way to start. I’d also speak to an addiction counselor about the effects of withdrawal. I would also speak to his doctor to know about how the alcohol is effecting his ALZ.

Alcohol withdrawals can be brutal and dangerous if not done properly. You don’t mention if you feel he is an alcoholic, so I don’t want to jump the gun here. If he has been drinking heavily for years I’d be concerned.

I suspect he is drowning his sorrows in much the same way as my brother was escaping his pain with drugs.

My brother had been in recovery from heroin, then came a horrendous motorcycle accident where he nearly died. He was in severe pain and I guess you can figure out the rest. Yeah, he dove back into drugs.

I also feel after I set him up on hospice and he started on OxyContin it through him back into his dependency on drugs. It’s complicated. Not a simple thing to deal with and people need to understand that in order to reach out in love.

Broke my heart. Life is a struggle. People cope in destructive ways. I’m truly sorry for your pain. It’s devastating to watch people self destruct. At the same time, I get it. It’s a vicious cycle that is extremely hard to break. It’s hard for the patient and hard for the family. I empathize with both.

Try to reach out in a supportive way. No one truly wants to be an alcoholic or drug addict. Try very hard not to judge. I know there are tons of emotions involved. I lived it with my brother. Unfortunately, I have lost a nephew to suicide because he couldn’t beat an alcohol and cocaine habit. I’ve lost a few friends too. None that I would refer to as ‘low lifes.’ They were emotionally struggling with life situations. I hope that I am explaining this well. It’s a very sensitive topic for me.

I wish you and your father well. Hugs!
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So, what is he drinking? Can you water it down to at least diminish the problem a bit?
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My husband liked beer, and I was able to find some N/A beer that he accepted. A friend managed her father's drinking (he preferred rum & coke) by pouring coke over ice, then drizzling rum on top; he got the taste and smell but very little alcohol. There also is N/A wine.
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My question is, how is he getting the alcohol? If you are buying it, STOP IT. Can you save the empty bottles & fill them with a placebo? Would he notice his vodka has been replaced with water? That the whiskey has been replaced with regular Lipton tea or watered down flat coke?
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AlvaDeer Sep 2019
I am with you most of the way here, Cali. I would not remove it but I would seriously water it down. I would also like to know the OPs opinion of what "to excess" is. To be frank, were my partner to be in this state,and he found comfort from three beers, three glasses of wine, or two cocktails a day it would not bother me AS LONG AS he is not falling. He is, I think, this gentleman, self medicating. His life is virtually in ruin.Sorry, but that is a fact with dementia. I go for "comfort care" at this point. However, I would be worried for safety. I would water it down. Hard to do if we are talking beer, but there is the O'Douls which TASTES like beer, but isn't. That could work.
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Sorry, just read your profile and saw that you are caring for your husband, not your dad.
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An addicted person with a broken brain may not be able to stop consumption of alcohol. Perhaps this is all your husband has to look forward to. So be it. Poor man. Prayers to you.
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If this is a major pleasure in his life then let it be - he won't change & you can't change him so save your time & energy for things that you can change/do

However you can water down some drinks as he gets deeper into dementia & always wait for him to ask for it - he will get to a point when he'll start forgetting to ask for it - use it as a marker on how soon he wants it & if he forgets to ask for it or even asking for his second drink may be slower as he gets deeper
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