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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My family sucks they all make excuses and have a million reasons why they can’t help. And I have more less come to expect as much. When I even call to vent they don’t want to hear it. Beyond frustrated.
Yes. I stopped venting when she actually started saying I was guilting her. I didn’t have time anymore for mom’s massive stroke to be about how it affected her life and her guilt. A year previous to mom’s stroke I took her son who was in a mental health crisis and she kept on with her and her husband’s campaign trail. Then during the first few months of mom’s stroke and having to pull her out of a dangerous rehab and get her home they took on another campaign (making her less available to help with getting organized in this new crisis). Then I begged her to come the beginning of 2020 to help sell mom’s home and pack it up allowing me to have monies to remodel an adaptive space for mom in my home so she could have a better quality of life and allow me to get a caregiver in to help and she didn’t come and she went to Aruba instead. I’m 24/7 - I slept in hospitals for 3 months - I came home and slept beside her because of the feeding tube and choking for another 6 months. I had 5 day a week in home therapy and then 5 days a week outpatient therapy - I ended back in the hospital with her in January with encephalopathy from a uti and thought I was losing mom and still begged her to come sit with us - she didn’t come. Find acceptance - they will not come. It has zero to do with you or your loved ones worth. You are worthy of love, help, support etc - they truthfully are not. Acceptance and then make peace with it. Let others start carrying their own bags. You have every right to hand them their own bags and let them start holding them. I’m still in a battle with acceptance but I’m getting better with it. Wishing the same for you.
I did not make the choice to take care of momma. She didn't have anybody else. Sibs Iive 15 minutes away and I live five hours. Sibs let me do all the work out of spite. To keep me miserable so I would give up my trustee and poa duties so they can get to her money. That is all they care about. My brother does go to see her but he want help me. I have asked many times. Everybody ignores me so I spend her money on what needs to be done for her and me to keep my sanity. That will be less inheritance for them.
I think, on this forum, most of us have siblings that don't help. In my situation, I chose not to get angry about it. Not worth the energy. One brother #1 lives 7 hrs away. He raised my nephew for 11 yrs when my sister passed. Nephew has physical and neurological problems that made him hard to raise. He came to live with my Mom at 18 and now I oversee him. #1 also had MIL challenges. She was a trip. Spending money she did not have. Brother #2 was going thru a divorce but only lived 30 min away and retired. Very layed back. Mom was a good mother and easy to get along with. But neither brother went out of their way for her when she was in her own home even after Dad died. Not even to call me to see if she needed anything. Nothing changed when Dementia took over. I had POA for financial and medical. Would not have cared for her without it. My brothers stood back and I made all the decisions, good or bad.
So, I would just let that resentment go. I would not vent to them, they really don't want to hear it. Spend your parent's money on Daycare, someone to come in to sit with her while you have some time to yourself. Don't use any of your money until you need to. And then I would hit siblings up. Parent should be paying her medical bills, depends, special foods, clothing, etc. Keep receipts. I used Moms bank statement as my proof what was spent. If I reimbursed myself, I had receipts to back it up.
Dear Ingridk, you've answered your own issue. The sibs don't want to help or listen. They have no interest or skill in this area. Please arrange help (non-family: through aging agencies) & arrange someone to listen & support you (non-family: forums, or therapist).
Put yourself in charge & organise what you need. Waiting for others doesn't seem to ever work out.
No one is obligated to be a caregiver or help out. I assume they have their reasons for not helping. Everyone is free to make their own choices. You made yours but cannot fault others for not making the same choice. They may have a different relationship with the parent than you do.
They don't wish to be caregivers, clearly. I don't know if they are especially close to the parents? And the parents very loving? Whatever the circumstances they are making it clear they are not caregiving, and made it clear that if it is your choice to do so they really don't want to hear about it. Clearly they think they have made the right decision and you have made the less right decision. I would let them alone, let them live their lives and vent only to friends, here on forum (where you will ALSO not get too much sympathy from those with hearthearted tendencies like me), or in groups, therapy groups and etc. The honest truth is that you are dealing not only with your feelings, but with their own feelings. They may have feelings of guilt and they may not. We tend to rationalize our own behavior WHATEVER it is. Families pick up the baggage when we complain. Friends don't. Friends just give sympathy, agree with us for the most part, and move happily on with their own lives. Why don't you stop asking, stop listening to the excuses and accept the plain fact that they don't want to help and won't. You may be surprised that you get more help that way; and then again you may get none. But they will like you better and it will set them free to live their own lives as they choose to live them.
I have one brother who is 9 years older than me and he only visits my mother once a year briefly for a couple of hours. I don’t blame him. I call him and vent to him and he listens. He tells me not to help her either. My mother has lived alone in her hoarded house since my father died in 1998. That’s the last time I cleaned her house when my dad was alive and she was out gambling his money away. She refuses to let me or anyone else clean her house. Not my problem. Her house. She can live any way she wants according to APS because she is competent. I don’t resent my brother at all. He’s trying to keep himself mentally healthy. My mother has undiagnosed mental illness. He doesn’t want to get involved in her nuttiness. She wouldn’t let him in her hoarded house anyway. He lives 6 hours away. I live 15 minutes away from my mother. He has only been in my mothers house 3 times since my father died in 1998. When he does visit once a year he stays in a hotel nearby. He is my only sibling. I cherish my brother. My brother’s only son died in 2003. It has been hard for him. He talks with a therapist to get through it. He doesn’t need my mother undoing everything he has done to become healthy and whole again.
As you read more posts you will find that MIA sibling is a common thread running through these posts.
Altho my Mother lives with my YB, in his home, they do next to nothing for her. The 3 other sibs do pretty much nothing. Maybe a visit twice a year, but NO hands on CG or cleaning help. (This hit me hard yesterday as I visited mother and the dust in her apartment was causing me to cough and sneeze. No one has dusted since I did it in Jan, 2019. I asked he if she would allow me to come one day next week and just dust--she could watch me and I wouldn't throw anything away. She said no, she can't SEE the dust, so she doesn't care.
Have my sisters ever cleaned for her? Nope.
I keep tabs on mother, but we are far from being close. YB is supposed to shoot a monthly email out to all us sibs and make arrangements for cleaning. He has NEVER done this.
My OS states that mother was a lousy mother, a worse grandmother and she deserves to be just as neglected as we were, as kids. I can't argue with that.
Don't bother with the calls to vent, sibs don't care and you can't make them.
Maybe just knowing you aren't alone in this, helps somehow. Come here to vent all you like. We're used to it!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
A year previous to mom’s stroke I took her son who was in a mental health crisis and she kept on with her and her husband’s campaign trail. Then during the first few months of mom’s stroke and having to pull her out of a dangerous rehab and get her home they took on another campaign (making her less available to help with getting organized in this new crisis). Then I begged her to come the beginning of 2020 to help sell mom’s home and pack it up allowing me to have monies to remodel an adaptive space for mom in my home so she could have a better quality of life and allow me to get a caregiver in to help and she didn’t come and she went to Aruba instead. I’m 24/7 - I slept in hospitals for 3 months - I came home and slept beside her because of the feeding tube and choking for another 6 months. I had 5 day a week in home therapy and then 5 days a week outpatient therapy - I ended back in the hospital with her in January with encephalopathy from a uti and thought I was losing mom and still begged her to come sit with us - she didn’t come.
Find acceptance - they will not come. It has zero to do with you or your loved ones worth. You are worthy of love, help, support etc - they truthfully are not. Acceptance and then make peace with it. Let others start carrying their own bags. You have every right to hand them their own bags and let them start holding them. I’m still in a battle with acceptance but I’m getting better with it. Wishing the same for you.
So, I would just let that resentment go. I would not vent to them, they really don't want to hear it. Spend your parent's money on Daycare, someone to come in to sit with her while you have some time to yourself. Don't use any of your money until you need to. And then I would hit siblings up. Parent should be paying her medical bills, depends, special foods, clothing, etc. Keep receipts. I used Moms bank statement as my proof what was spent. If I reimbursed myself, I had receipts to back it up.
Put yourself in charge & organise what you need. Waiting for others doesn't seem to ever work out.
Why don't you stop asking, stop listening to the excuses and accept the plain fact that they don't want to help and won't. You may be surprised that you get more help that way; and then again you may get none. But they will like you better and it will set them free to live their own lives as they choose to live them.
Sadly, you are not in this boat alone.
As you read more posts you will find that MIA sibling is a common thread running through these posts.
Altho my Mother lives with my YB, in his home, they do next to nothing for her. The 3 other sibs do pretty much nothing. Maybe a visit twice a year, but NO hands on CG or cleaning help. (This hit me hard yesterday as I visited mother and the dust in her apartment was causing me to cough and sneeze. No one has dusted since I did it in Jan, 2019. I asked he if she would allow me to come one day next week and just dust--she could watch me and I wouldn't throw anything away. She said no, she can't SEE the dust, so she doesn't care.
Have my sisters ever cleaned for her? Nope.
I keep tabs on mother, but we are far from being close. YB is supposed to shoot a monthly email out to all us sibs and make arrangements for cleaning. He has NEVER done this.
My OS states that mother was a lousy mother, a worse grandmother and she deserves to be just as neglected as we were, as kids. I can't argue with that.
Don't bother with the calls to vent, sibs don't care and you can't make them.
Maybe just knowing you aren't alone in this, helps somehow. Come here to vent all you like. We're used to it!