Both my parents are living in their home. (Ages 90 (father)and 92(mother) They have 5 children. I visited regularly (2 to 3 times a week) for 20 years and every Friday took my mother out for the day. Went to all Dr appointments, eye appointments and reported back to the group. My sister and I tried to ensure that they had company as many days a week as possible. We'd call each other to choose dates so that they didn't sit alone at home. It was a big part of their life until 2 yrs ago when my parents had a fight (which was not out of the ordinary). My mother had to be hospitalized and she did not want to return home. Social workers from the hospital said she needed a plan before she could leave the hospital. My mother came to live with me for a week. 3 of the siblings thought that my plan was to separate the two of them. My thought was that they needed help not only with household chores/cooking but with a plan going forward. One of my siblings flew to town and decided to coax her into going back home and she did. So nothing changed there were still fights and no help was in place. That sibling flew back to Texas. I became frustrated with them and let them take over the doctor's appointments etc. That was my first mistake. There were falls down stairs that I had no idea about, not a word with regards to Dr visits or what was happening. My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia. After another one of their fights I (with my father's permission) took my mother to my cabin for 2 days. She told me some rules (approximately 6 or 7) that she wanted my father to abide by when she got back home. The first thing on her list was 'don't be so mean' getting the newspaper was second. (My father refused to pay for the newspaper) When he was confronted with her demands he lost his mind and was screaming at my sister and myself. To the point where the veins were bulging out of his neck and I thought he may have a heart attack. Saying that 'she didn't write those'. and he has 3 perfect children (which did not include my sister and I) Since that time last summer, the 3 siblings and my father have decided that we (my sister and I) can only visit by emailing their newly created email to request a visit. My sister has not seen my mom for 2 months because they dislike her. AND because she was concerned and called for a welfare check on my mother. They have yet to get over that. I just recently got to visit but have many rules. I can't bring my children, (her 5 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren) to see her when I visit (not all at once of course) unless the other siblings and father have notice of exactly who is coming. I must stay within their ever changing guidelines/rules. The (grown) grandchildren cannot use the email to make their own visit and if I visit with my grandchildren that is considered my one time a week visit and I get no other visit. If I am away for the day of their choosing (which is typically a Friday) I get no other day in lieu of the one I miss. My sister who has 4 children and 1 grandchild has not seen my mom for months has different rules. She needs supervised visits because they say they can't trust her because she called the police (welfare check) etc. They claim that this caused my parents stress. The grandchildren and great grandchild have also have been denied visits.
I am looking for advice on how best to deal with this situation. I dislike the ever changing rules for my visits however my biggest fear is that if my sister doesn't not get to see my mother soon, she may never see her again. Anyone have advice?
"She [sister] needs supervised visits because they say they can't trust her because she called the police (welfare check) etc."
It is normally people who are *not* co-operating with social services, the police and health care professionals who require supervision. Call it arse-about-face, topsy-turvy or what you will, the three have got their priorities 180º out.
#1 You do realise, don't you, and take to heart, that this view of not involving the authorities because your father doesn't like it is WRONG. This isn't a difference of opinion: they are WRONG. Your father has the right to refuse visitors, refuse assistance, refuse any interference - no one is disputing that. But he does not have the right to do so on your mother's behalf, for one thing. And for another, he does not have the right to prevent adult protection bodies from meeting their lawful obligations.
#2 You and your sister are grown adults. You decide for yourselves what the correct course of action is. You are not subject to directives from your compliant siblings or your father.
#3 Whatever action you might take, it remains for your father and for your mother, individually, to choose who visits them and who doesn't.
If you believe your mother is not able to make her own choices, for whatever reason, it is appropriate for you to turn to the appropriate authorities for advice, assistance and intervention as they believe to be necessary.
It may be that your mother, especially, genuinely is not up to much social interaction. It may be nothing but simply true that fatigue and mental decline make young children or too many people in her daily routine more than she can handle. If that's so, or it's getting that way, you will of course exercise your common sense and not overburden her.
But that's not the point. All you're asking for is certainty that her welfare is not at risk. And if the family won't let you see for yourself, or impose unreasonable, impractical conditions on it, I don't see what choice you have but to enlist APS.
Honestly, I’m not asking this as a criticism- just trying to look at this from all angles.
I cant even imagine the nuclear explosion that would have occurred if my brother had pulled this effing power trip on me - or viseversa.
Your father can refuse to let you in his own home and refuse to see you. HOWEVER he can not speak nor act for your mother. She has a right to see who she wants. If he is "holding her hostage" and she is against what he's doing, she needs to get out of there.
The police and APS can find out what is going on. Your mother may not be safe if they fight a lot also. It may be in her best interest to move away from him.
If neither of your parents want to see you and your sister, there is not much you can do about that. Write them off and let the other 3 deal with whatever happens. I'd for sure write off the other 3 siblings too.
I'm sorry for your situation.