Do I still belong here?
My dad died 3 days ago. As most of you know I cared for him in my home for 5 years and for the past 6 months he's been in a skilled nursing facility. Technically, I am no longer a caregiver to my elderly parent. I have nothing to vent about. No questions that need answering. Nothing to be uncertain of or anything that's causing me any concern.
I found this forum a while back and just lurked for a while but I began enjoying reading the posts and becoming familiar with the people here and a month or so ago began posting. I found a rich community filled with caring people who are at various stages of caregiving. I loved this website (still do).
I had another forum for years but they shut it down Jan. 1st of this year because it attracted too much spam and the little community I had come to become a part of scattered to the four winds. However, one of us is here now (hey Rodeo!!). I guess my point is that I've been availing myself of online support as a caregiver for many years.
And maybe as time goes on I won't be spending as much time here, I don't know. On my other forum that I just mentioned when a caregiver lost the person they were caring for they didn't come around as much. I can understand that. But I still feel as if this community has something to offer and I also feel as if I have something to offer other caregivers. But since I am not a caregiver anymore do I still belong here? Are there other people here who are no longer caregivers?
And thank you all for the hugs and support. Being pretty new here I was very touched at the messages I've received. Since it's only been 3 days I'm still a mess and I'm really, really tired. I'm well aware of all the stages of grief and all of that stuff but nowhere in that list of things we go through when we grieve do I remember "Fatigue" being among them. While nighttime is difficult I do fall asleep and stay asleep but I'm sleeping later and feeling tired all day long. Today I took a nap for 3 hours and am looking forward to going to bed because I'm still tired. Is this my body's reaction to the loss of my dad? Depression? I can't tell. I've been busy, making arrangements, notifying people, that kind of thing. And tons of people are calling me. My dad was well loved. I spent about 4 hours on the phone last night just talking to people who wanted to talk about my dad. I'm not complaining, I so enjoyed hearing the stories and the condolences but it wore me out. I just can't seem to feel rested.
This Thursday is the memorial. I'm dreading it because everyone dreads that stuff but I'm also looking forward to it being over, going back to my life and trying to piece it back together without my dad. I have weird thoughts, I can hear his voice in my head. I wonder if his spirit is out there somewhere (he was an atheist) and if so, did I make him proud? Did I do what he would have wanted me to do? I can hear the sound of his voice wimpering, telling me how scared he was. I can hear him telling me that I'm the one person he can trust 100%. The only person he could trust. I tell the people I speak to on the phone that he died in his sleep and we all comment on how peaceful that is, etc. etc. etc. But what I want to scream is that HE WAS NOT AT PEACE! HE WAS TERRIFIED! HE LOST ALL OF HIS DIGNITY AND WAS OUT OF HIS MIND THE LAST FEW MONTHS OF HIS LIFE!
I spent so much time with him the last week of his life and I'm so grateful for that. I wasn't there at the moment of his death but I was there to comfort him and to just be with him for days and days prior to his death. I cry because I miss him and because I love him and I cry because he had such a horrifying last week on earth. The hallucinations, the pain....My being there made everything better for him and while I know he loved my brother dearly it was me he wanted. I was the caregiver.
But I'm not a caregiver anymore so do I still belong here?
I do wish your father could have known peace in the months before he died. But at least he had a wonderful daughter and son. He was very blessed.
Get some rest, lass, I am sure you are catching up on months of needed rest. Let your body heal-let your heart mend. (((((((hugs))))))
Over on the Grossed Out thread there are a bunch who are still here although our parents/spouses have died and we are in the hot mix of active caregivers on the thread who are now experiencing what we have experienced. Like msdaizy says: knowing you're not alone makes all the difference. Before and After.
In the aftermath of caregiving the support you will get here will really help. It has helped in my life and it continues to on a daily basis as I check in with friends that I have made here.
Some from the Grossed thread have actually visited with each other in the actual real world! I don't know if that has gone on anywhere else here and that might be interesting to find out. Probably has since we have shared more with each other through collective experience than many have been able to share with family or friends.
As far as people calling and going on and on, that is their way of dealing as I know you know and when we are in caregiving mode we make ourselves available to other people's suffering.
Maybe you can get through the memorial and listen to more of it but be protective of yourself and treat yourself with the same love and care that you gave your dad.
I bet you wouldn't let anyone wear your dad out walking down memory lane and you don't have to get worn out with it either.
Grief is real and how we all deal with it is unique to us.
When someone is wearing you out just say: I need a break. They'll get it.
Calicaregiver, your post brought tears to my eyes because it shows how hard it is when someone tells us to get over it and move on.
My dad died in '93 and I can still lose it. I just cry it out and try to pull myself together and sometimes I'm good and sometimes I need some time. Just is and anyone who tries to push their grieving schedule on me has qualified for an earful.
I am so sorry that both your dads experienced the terror they did at the end of their lives. End stage anything puts people through hell on earth and puts their close caregivers and family through it as well. Please keep writing about it and not keep it inside so it won't hurt you. And please Eyerish, try not to second guess yourself or have any bad feeling because you weren't right there at that moment.
I think we all have spirits whether we are Atheists or not. I think that when we die we learn the truth and that is when the peace comes. I think that our dads and moms who are gone live on in our hearts and in time we get easier with it but there will always be a hole and we just live with it the best we can.
I heard someone compare grief with waves washing over you. They just come and then it recedes like the tide. You let it wash over you but you know it will recede in its own time.
Hope you stay.
lovbob
Please stay.
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