My recently widowed mom, 76, was just informed by a social worker 1. that her brother is terminally ill, and 2. he has directed hospice to my mother's home. She was shocked. Can he do this? He's difficult, stubborn and knows my mom is a soft touch. She cannot manage him, which he knows. I believe he's decided that without her husband around, he can just move in and have her cater to him in his final months. The siblings are not close. Mom only sees him when he needs money. The social worker says he is "self neglecting." He refuses to bathe or eat.
I see this situation to often, terminal people will not accept it and hospice isn't called in until the later minute. It breaks my heart how stubbornness cause people to suffer needlessly, and their families.
I am sorry for your families miss and pray that The Lord gives you all grieving mercies and comfort.
I don't think caring for someone who won't bathe in a private home is feasible or sanitary. Especially not when the caregiver is elderly and frail herself.
TBH, I feel bad having told you to urge your mom not to take him in, because it turned out he only had a few weeks.
She can put several down and cover them with a towel, then it is easier for her. She should assign him a couple of chairs and everyone help keep him in them.
Maybe your brother would be willing to give him a shower before dinner and clean clothes could be purchased at a thrift store.
If this is a long term issue, his skin will still smell after a shower, so a nice perineum wash for down there can help.
I pray this works out as a nice holiday for everyone and not what it could be if uncle becomes stupid.
Thank you, though, for the Chux suggestion. He's deliberately making a difficult situation intolerable.
But it seems he is under some delusion of entitlement that his (also elderly) sister provide his care.
Probably stems from a survival instinct / self-preservation.
Regardless. It is selfish & a firm NO should be forthcoming.
(Haven't read the replies yet - my guess is a firm NO from 100%)
IF your Mother wishes to help him - visiting him & assisting what tasks she feels comfortable with *in his hospice accommodation* would be more appropriate.
PS read replies now.. I see : the problem is your Mother is in the F.O.G right? Especially Guilt. Can't/won't say no. Many (esp females) have been taught this.
If this is the situation, using the Priest to say no for her is an excellent plan.
Using your Brother to drive him & leave him in ER is another.
Cruel but sometimes necessary: explain to Mom that if she takes on all his care it will probably DELAY him getting other care he needs from other services/people.
I know u have said No and SW has backed off, but if she were to take him in, I would tell the SW that she had to set up round the clock aides to care for him. That would cost the state more than placing him in a SNF with Medicaid paying.
I may compromise on at least having him for dinner. But then by Christmas he could be really bad and not be able to leave his bed. Mom can always visit but I would not allow her to go alone. He seems to be very manipulative.
If a priest says not to do it, there is her confirmation right there.
At my wits' end, I called her up and said "mom, you're too smart to do something this stupid". She was stunned. And angry. But she didn't do the stupid thing, which would probably have cost her her life.
1. Manage his care
2. Be there all the time to care for him.
3. He has made the assumption that he can use her home and that he did so without her permission.
Hospice Social Worker can find another location for him. Either in a facility or other location. Most Hospice have facilities that they can get someone into and the Social Worker might be able to "fast track" any aid that he might be eligible for.
I absolutely agree with you. I wouldn't be around someone that thinks wearing incontinence products has less dignity then sitting in your own crap, ruining other people's furniture.
I would be concerned about your mom's mental capacity to allow this. Hopefully she can afford new furniture when he is gone.
Remember, this is her choice and you don't have to be on call to help. Let her deal with it, maybe, just maybe doing alone will cause her to see that he needs a village and that she is not one.
I am sorry for your family. This is a terrible situation to be in.
Has mom had a good physical recently? Could you email or call her doctor about this?
Has anyone told your mom what his prognosis is? He has been terminal for a year. This means that he will eventually die from this cancer but, it could be many months or even years before that happens.
If he won't allow anyone to share the facts, I would bet that death isn't looming but, could be within 6 months or less. That doesn't mean it will happen though. It is what a doctor "believes" to bring hospice on board. Right now it sounds like self neglect is the driving factor for the SW.
Your mom should be encouraged to NOT make any life changing decisions for at least the 1st year after becoming a widow. Her head isn't screwed on properly because she is in mourning. Letting her brother push his way into her home falls heavily into this category.
Point out to her the total lack of regard, respect and care he has already shown for her by not asking if she would help. He will use her up, even unto death and NOT CARE, as long as he gets what he wants.
Tell her for me: laying down so your brother can use you as a doormat doesn't show you love him. Everything you have done throughout his life shows that you do but, you matter and he doesn't even consider that you do. In his world the only thing you are is a source to get something for himself.
You have children and grandchildren that want and need you in their future's. If you lay down for your brother, you may very well die before him.
People that do what your brother has done and is trying to do, devour others to prop themselves up and don't care what it does to others.
Living his last days in a care facility is not a bad thing. He will be taken care of and his needs will be met. What he wants doesn't matter if he can't provide it for himself. He needs a village and you, precious lady are not a village.
My sister came home with terminal cancer and we had 2 caregivers all day, everyday, that wasn't including her mom and other family and it was still so very hard. Imagine having 2 extra sets of hands and yourself and it still being too much to deal with. That's how it was, she demanded so much that we scheduled caregivers for 4 hour shifts and they left exhausted. Dying people can suck your life force and it sounds like your brother is one of them that would.
If you can't say no for yourself, please say no for your family. They can't lose you too. They need you now and in the future!
I only ask because I'm trying to "picture the scene" during which your uncle announced he would be moving in with your mother.
The Social Worker would have interviewed him prior to discharge. He wants to get out of hospital, okay, so what next? If he returns to his home, how will his social care needs be met? If they can't be met at his home, where else might he go?
"Do you have any family?" would be the natural first question. Yes, he has a sister. Would she be willing to help? If his answer was yes, maybe, could be - anything except an emphatic No Chance! - that's the option they would naturally explore. There isn't necessarily any expectation that she will agree, let alone any obligation for her to do so; but of course family is often involved and there is nothing wrong with their asking.
At all costs steer your mother away from all thoughts akin to "he has no one else to look after him" and "he has nowhere else to go." YES HE DOES. She may be his only living relative, but there are plenty of terminal cancer patients who have no living relatives at all and they are taken care of. So will he be.
Once people start feeling responsible for their loved ones' wellbeing (he does qualify as that even if she has been thoroughly fed up with him for years) they begin to form romantic or heroic ideas about the project of caring for them through to the end of life. Nip any such ideas in the bud.
There is no requirement for her to explain why she can't be his primary caregiver (and landlady, and breadwinner). In the immortal words: "a simple no will suffice."
i took him in to prevent my sister taking him as she could barely care for herself and her husband.
hospice promised an bath twice a week and a nurse once a week.
Everything else was my job.
He came home with me on my 75th birthday.
Please call adult protective services for this poor lady. And tell the hospital and social worker that you did so. Tell everyone.
i do not know if they really did anything when I called them for the same sister when her legally blind husband broke his hip in Dec 2019, but the hospital dis not try the sqme tactics that time.
i wish I had known sooner.
i took him in to prevent my sister taking him as she could barely care for herself and her husband.
hospice promised an bath twice a week and a nurse once a week.
Everything else was my job.
He came home with me on my 75th birthday.
Please call adult protective services for this poor lady. And tell the hospital and social worker that you did so. Tell everyone.
i do not know if they really did anything when I called them for the same sister when her legally blind husband broke his hip in Dec 2019, but the hospital dis not try the sqme tactics that time.
i wish I had known sooner.
I thought Hospice is free. It was provided to my parents at the end of their life in NYC, first at home, and then at a facility/hospital in their last 24-48 hours of life. They had Medicare and AARP insurance.
It was the same thing in Virginia for my in-laws (retired with BC/BS and medicare), as with a friend, (also in VA), who was 49 yrs old and on disability.
I believe it's part of Medicare.
Anyway, 10 yrs ago, while my father-in-law was at a hospice facility his last 24 hours in Arlington VA, there was an ambulatory man, there in PJ's and a rope, playing cards with an attendant in the lounge. I don't know his home story but he was definitely dying, as he couldn't have stayed there otherwise. If I remember correctly he was able to stay for months if that's what it took.
I don't know the rules but if a person takes too long administrators don't like the paperwork involved with first taking you off of your regular health care, which I believe is dropped, and then onto hospice's ledgers just to be taken off again if you've out lived the allowed window, which you can still get back on when it really becomes a dire situation. I know it sounds crazy.
I know, ordinarily we think of hospice care being given only days before the end. I think the response from Contented One is most accurate.
As said all the time on this forum "No is a one word sentence". And, you are not responsible for the reaction you get from the other person when you say no. Mom cannot be made to take brother in. And like said, do not even allow him passed the front door. Once in the house, u will never get him out. She cannot be brought up on charges. The SW is trying to lighten her work load. They will say anything to get family to care for someone. The SW will just need to place him in a NH. SHE will have to do the Medicaid application. She will need to set up Hospice. When he passes, she will have to make the arrangements for his burial and the State will have to pay for it. Oh yes, a State guardian may be set up for him by the court. DO NOT allow them to talk Mom into being his temporary guardian. She then will be responsible to do everything the SW will have to do.
Mom needs to call that SW first thing tomorrow morning and tell her she is not to transport her brother to her home. He may have directed Hospice to her house but he did not have permission to do so. She needs to be firm that she will take on no responsibility for him. The State will need to make provisions for his care. Maybe u can be there for support if the SW tries to argue. Be firm that this will not happen, tell the SW not to call Mom again and then hang up. Any calls after that tell Mom not to answer. Like said if they do transport Uncle to her house. She can refuse to take him saying she gave no permission or don't answer the door.
It is quite possible that brother has not been truthful with the social worker. So you will have to stand by to make mom's refusal very clear.
Just because your mother and her.brother are blood relation, that does not make her legally responsible for him in anyway. None.
Your mother is no more obliged to care for him than a neighbor is.
Even if your mother is able to provide care, she is not obliged.
She also doesn't owe any reason to anyone as to why she doesn't take her brother in. None.
If her brother has no other place to go, then the social worker will find him a bed in a facility like a nursing home. Hospice will go there and provide care for him. Your mother can cone to visit and check on him to ensure he's getting proper care.