My father is 80 years old and his wife of 15 years has dementia and she has 5 adult children from her first marriage. My dad lived in NY state with his wife and it was getting to hard for him to manage his home. I told him that he and his wife could come live with me and my husband. We moved them here to Mass and her kids were not happy with that but they came to live with us anyway. My dad over the 4th of July was hospitalized and was not doing well and I called her kids to tell them that they needed to have a plan if something would happen to him. At this time his wife also needed to have eye surgery so her kids decided to take her back to NY. She was in NY for 18 days and in that time her son got POA and cleaned out her checking account, that has her name and my dads name on it. He then opened an account with his mother and on the day that she returned to my dad he cleaned it out. I called the bank and they said because he was POA and also on the account it was legal and nothing could be dome about it. That was July now its September my dads wife was not feeling well on Thursday afternoon and by later on she was weak and he had to help her to the bathroom, she was in the bathroom and my husband yelled to me and my dad that he heard her fall. We rushed to the bathroom and she was on the floor, she did not hurt herself but we thought she needed to go to the hospital, so we call for an ambulance. It was late and it was not life threating so I told dad not to call her kids until morning, when he did he got called by one of her sons all kids of names. On Sunday she was going to be released from the hospital and her oldest daughter called on Saturday evening and told us that she wanted all of her mother clothing ready to be picked up because SHE was going to take her mother back to NY State. On Sunday my dad and my husband went to the hospital so my father could see his wife before her daughter showed up, then they came home I went back with my father so he would have someone there to protect him from his wife's daughter. They said that they were taking her to a rehabilitation Center/ nursing home and then they were going to take her home with them when they found a larger apartment. I told them that I would meet them and they could follow me back to my home to get her things, and then I was told they were not going to pick them up. My father received a cell phone call from another daughter and was told that she would let him know where her mother was as soon as she knew. No calls came in and he started to get angry and so we started making calls to nursing homes in NY State on Monday night and we got nowhere. Then on Tuesday night I got a call from a nursing home in NY State telling me that my dad's wife was there and that I was on the list from the hospital as a contact person. The daughter who is the one who took her mother from Mass also works at the nursing home as a nurse and has told the staff that my father has to call her to let her know when he will be visiting.
So what rights does my father have now that they took her from him and they have POA and Healthcare Proxy and now that they have taken over responsibility for her Is he responsible for all of her medical expenses? She only make 439.00 a month on Social Security because did not put into SS. He is very upset and doesn't know what to do? She could very well go on State assistants which would cover all of her healthcare, but my dad has his own insurance But seeing that they took her and don't seem to care about what my dad wants is he still responsible for any of the co-pays that she will occur while they have her in the nursing home and even when she is released and living with them?
In our particular case, their mother was of sound mind even though her reasoning could be 'off' (wanted to treat them both equally while at times telling us how the brother bullied her, etc), so what happened with the money was basically open to whoever got it to it first.
My husband and I recently set up our own trust. We have three kids each, and have been married 12 years. He is 62 and I am 58. We both are in total agreement that out of the six, my one son is the one and only we will appoint as our POA (after each other first, and only if we could not execute on that due to disability). He is also the sole executor for us and if he is unable to do it, it will not fall to any other of our kids. Thankfully, we are on the same page and are thinking about all of this ahead of time. We love all six of our kids and we are sure someone will get their 'panties in a bunch' over our decisions but they are OUR decisions and we are making them before crisis mode. We also are not discussing anything with anyone about what we plan to leave them, etc. All we are doing is letting the one who will be in charge if something happens to us know where our bank and safety deposit box is, how to find the information to access our accounts, etc if need be/when the time comes.
I hate to say this, but when I read a lot of this stuff, it makes me realize that maybe the only thing other readers can garner from it is what to do /not do for themselves as we, the next generation, go down this road.
Best of luck. Surely, get a lawyer. But it sounds to me as if things have been done that maybe cannot be undone.
He/she will tell you what rights a spouse has and what rights a POA has.
This will answer your question, however, your biggest problem is the money.
$439.00 per month is not enough for your Dad's wife, and you can be sure that her family will come knocking on your door to get some more money from your Dad , one way or another. Be aware of this, and prepare. Again, a lawyer should be able to tell you and your Dad of his financial responsiblities and his own rights. Last question: Who is the beneficiary of his life insurance? Just curious.
On another site, I just read something that made total sense. It was in regard to POA vs spousal rights and at the second a read it the light bulb came on. "If spousal rights trumped POA then it would not be necessary for one's spouse to BECOME your POA".
The other thing that needs to be remembered is that POA goes with the deceased person, meaning POA is over and done once the person who the POA is appointed for the benefit of dies, the POA is also dead. The intention of it is to act on the person's behalf. I guess if it could be proved that the person with the POA took money and didn't use it for the mother, there could be some recourse legally (ask lawyer). But the bottom line is that when it's gone it's gone. Needless to say if there are any other accounts open they should be immediately closed and reopened in just your dad's name and perhaps he needs someone to be POA too!
I have been dealing with elder & nursing home medicaid attorneys for 3-4 years now & just like divorce attorneys they are not allowed to and/or will not speak to any rules in other states. Since you could only hire a lawyer in your state & the woman is in another state now & in a facility in another state you will probably be wasting your time & money at a lawyer's office. And said lawyer would be happy to help you waste your time & money since that is how they pay their mortgage at home. My suggestion would not be to a lawyer since you are dealing with separate states. It would be a better idea to find a local agency like Department of Aging & Disabled, the local Department of Health & Human Services (if they run nursing home medicaid) or even a local day senior recreation center. Please also type into Google nursing home ombudsman along with your city & state and see which agency they are out of. Call that agency with your story & get any advice from people advocating for years with these issues. If your father can be taken out in a car & sitting in an office I would be inclined to bring him to your local social security office & wait to speak to someone there about the situation regarding his legally married wife & the fact that it deals with 2 different jurisdictions & do they have any suggestions on what lawyers might be of any use in 2 different states. I have never heard of a lawyer in this field that has the right to help with the other state. However if greedy they may promise to help & take the money. You will be worse off. I would defiinitely start with agencies as they are free. They also have more experience with dealing with these matters.
Because we are realists and knew that were anything to happen to either of us there would be so much infighting and acrimony, we had an estate planning attorney draw up a trust along with all the necessary POA, DPOA, living will, etc. papers to avoid such a situation as the one you describe. Every state is different, every family is different but one thing is for sure. Remarriage with adult children is not for the faint of heart.
A spouse can and most likely should be named one's POA with a 'default' or fall back POA named should that person be unable to serve in that capacity. As for who that should be, one should choose that person with eyes wide open and without emotion. And I believe almost any lawyer would say, do NOT name co-POA's.
My mother in law did that and it was a disaster that has divided two siblings forever. Brother in law (husband's brother) never saved for his retirement by his own admission and has been an impulsive spender all of this life. His oldest child is his wife's from her first marriage, whom he adopted at a young age. Then they had two more. This BIL has always been very jealous of my successful, saving and planning husband, with his only bragging rights being that he has never been divorced and my husband has. When we got married 12 years ago (we met and fell in love 30 years ago but went our separate ways due to having six young kids who we felt would have a hard time with our blended situation) we had very strong emotional ties to each other's children, because our love for them was what made us put our own relationship on what we thought then was permanent hold. When my husband looked me up and we married 17 years after walking away (BIL knew about that), BIL was unglued with jealousy and has never been nice to me. Now he doesn't have the corner on being the one with the 'stable' marriage as we are so happy together. He has been a lynchpin in making sure he did everything in his power to say bad things about me and put as much trouble between my stepchildren and me as possible as well as badmouthing their dad, my husband. All of this has been in the midst of two brothers who were co-POA everything, with differing opinions on how to best care for their aging parents. BIL held the POA thing over his mother's head the minute their dad passed away in 2006, threatening her to 'put her' into assisted living and ridiculing and demeaning her often. My husband would get the upset calls (we live away and he lives in her small town) from his mother about what BIL did, this or that, and he would flat ask her if she wanted him to do something about it. We both thought she should have the best care, move closer to us so we could take care of her in a warmer climate and a larger town with more resources, etc. When BIL would find out he would bully his mom by not visiting her or being cold to her to get her to fall back in line and she always did. My husband felt so responsible for his mother but she would always back down and after venting, tell my husband to not do anything. So we'd be left with a knot in our stomachs about the really crappy place she eventually ended up in. My husband could have taken this whole thing to court and blown it up but all his mother would keep saying is that she wanted 'you boys to just get along' (these boys were in their 50's and 60's when this was all taking place). I could go on and on but you get the picture. BIL is very devious and painted us in such a bad light we could feel family judgement on us from the kids, who already were prepared to not like me anyway. So much back stabbing and manipulation.
So. When we did our estate planning, we chose one person, THE one, who happens to be my offspring, to be POA, executor, all of it for us. We know each marital relationship, as well as personal traits, and trust this one above all others. Knowing too that he is a saver, his wife is also, they have a very strong and loving marriage and the same values we do and that he is strong enough to take the inevitable onslaught were all important to us. We do not have a prenup. We have loved each other for what seems forever and this is for each of us, really, our 'first' real marriage. But of course the kids will not see it that way. His kids I am sure will come unglued. But these are our wishes and our money and our lives. We are primarily each other's POA. There will be no joint checking or savings accounts with any of our kids as my MIL had with both sons (although my husband never saw though he often requested an accounting and offered always to take care of her bill paying and reconciliations BIL wanted to be sketchy and keep control). If we are incapacitated and cannot act as each other's POA the accounts used for our care will be 'trustee for' and require an accounting of spending.
Sometimes there isn't anything that can be undone once things have taken place. As I said, YOU NEED A LAWYER right now. But for those reading this, put your own houses in order. This site seems as important for learning that as it is to try to sort our the messes that are already made. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
If you cannot open this, copy and paste it into your browser. It seems like it is very helpful and would answer a lot of questions.
I was my dad's POA, but he changed that to my step-sister because I live so far away and had my hands full with my mother. My step-sister was also her mom's POA.
Now, I believe that his funeral, bills and personal debt like on a credit card will need to be paid by the executor of the estate before money gets handed out. Normally, that would involve the bank moving his money into the estate of _____ account. That would not be needed and money would be freed up to use after his death, if the accounts were in both names for that gives you the right of survivorship which I experienced with my mother's personal accounts, etc.
Who is the executor of the estate? My mom made me both POAs instead of my step-dad. She would have died much sooner if he had been in charge as bad a shape as he was in.
I hope this helps and I hope the son who is the POA is honest and responsible. Most are, but a few bad apples are around.