One of my parents (not bio) was being cared for by another family member; and it was mentioned that family member had medical POA; said parent has passed and family member has not even let me help with service arrangements, has cut my adult children and myself out of any process of anything. Parent decided to stop any medical and passed a days later; I wasn't told of the decisions and even the death notification was delayed by hours. I am unsure of what to do or where to start. My children and I are being treated as though we are "chasing the Will" which is not the case at all! I am just beside myself!
I think if the caregiver delayed notifying you of their death by only a few hours they perhaps had other things on their minds, and the decision to end treatment was private and there was no obligation to inform you. Also the hands on caregiver probably has their own thoughts about what is appropriate for a funeral and memorial, perhaps they even discussed it with your step parent, you should be able to respect that.
Did you wish to be there to sit vigil, or are you just upset about being excluded? If you were there and involved you should have seen for yourself that the end was near, or do you live too far away? In any event going in like a bull in a china shop trying to have your own say will likely not win you any brownie points, this is a time to be especially sensitive to the feelings of others.
Not sure how involved you or your children have been with your former parent's care or helping the POA-caregiver.
I care for my mom, who has dementia. Absolutely no help from siblings or their families. Mom's care has forced me to quit my job, move from my place of 20 years and live with her where I know no one.
It has been tough. I can't believe we grew up in the same household.
If all siblings remain uninvolved...I'm not sure if I will tell them when she passes. After all is done they will get "their share" in check form.
I'm not trying to punish but if no cards, no calls absolutely no help...think about it.
I'm very sorry that your adoptive parent has passed, and I'm sorry that you feel excluded - rejected? But think carefully about what it is that you want to accomplish before you do anything. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.