I am a 29 year old caregiver to my mom, 64, who was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer on 1-30-19, also my birthday. I am the youngest of my mom's 3 children. And the most susceptible to her narcissism, guilty tripping, anger, and abuse. Always have been since I was a little girl. She has ruined her relationships with my 2 siblings because she is such a hateful person and they no longer deal with it. However, I feel like I have been left with a lot to deal with on my own concerning OUR mother. I've been her victim since I was at least 16 years old. She has a way of making me feel so sorry for her. So much so, I've LET her have control over myself and my life. With that being said, my mom is in remission! Praise God! But the chemo treatments have left her with we kidney problems and she was so Malnutritioned from treatment that she has no muscle in her legs Harley, so she can only walk around her small apartment. Might I mention, she also has a peg tube and has to get fluids every other day still. Though I'm SO thankful she is doing so much better now, she still expects me to wait on her hand and foot, run all her errands, feed her in the peg (even tho she's very capable) I have to start on stop her fluids due to limited home health visits. Her insurance doesnt cover 2 of her medications now noe do they cover her feeding tube formula. She gets SSI monthly, yet I'm still the one ending up paying for what the insurance doesn't, plus groceries and things for her house. I have my own home right around the corner from where she lives but its litterly like she "won't let me go".. I had to quit my job to care for her. I just now was able to return after 6 months but only working 4 hours 2 days a week because all my other time is demanded by my mom. I am literally losing my mind because my resentment towards her has roared it's ugly head again and I just don't think my mind and body can take. it any more. Help!!!!
Are you in touch with your mother's lead physician? What kind of health care team does she have supporting her?
What do you think the solution to your situation is, and are you seeking one? You say you don’t think your mind and body can take it any more. So, what do you think should be done? Can you ask her medical team, whom you say you are close to for advice? Right now, your future is a big question mark. Do you have health insurance or a retirement fund? Are you willing to face this uncertain future just to caregiver for a woman who most likely doesn’t appreciate you and never will? Have you explored Medicaid and Medicaid Waiver options for help with her expenses? If you are truly at the end of your rope, which is perfectly understandable, be proactive about finding alternative care for her and getting on with your life.
Phew. I should say.
Um. There is a book called "Understanding the Borderline Mother." It is by Christine Ann Lawson, and I found it a complete eye-opener. Its great strength, I thought, is that it only claims to be an introduction to the issues, but all the same it offers effective techniques for establishing boundaries and changing the way that YOU look at the problems that do (and don't) need solving. So I'd strongly recommend that.
Okay, so your mother has all the professional support that she could reasonably expect, and the main reason it isn't working is that she won't use it.
Would that be a fair, broad-brush summary?
One point that does stick out, though - the medications that aren't covered: her doctor must either change them to comply with the approved list, or help her argue with the insurers. Either is an acceptable solution, whereas your paying for them is not.
I have to go out but I'm not leaving it there! This does have to change, and you can change it.
Open your own account. Deposit your money there.
She should be using her SSI to pay for her needs. What is she using that money for?
You ARE NOT selfish. Narcissists only care about themselves. Hie thee immediately to the library and get every book you can about dealing with a narc. Devour them. Learn how to be strong in the face of her manipulations. Learn how to say "no," and how to say, "I matter."
You must STOP taking on the care and feeding of your mother's monkeys [a metaphor for taking on someone else's problems]. Especially since she's on the path to recovery, those monkeys are hers to manage. I get it she feels awful and has mobility problems, but it sounds like she has her mental faculties.
You must think of your future. Stop paying for your mother's bills--those monkeys are hers to figure out. In light that she's purposefully ignoring doctors' orders and skipping pills to manipulate you, stop falling for it.
Be honest with yourself: what do you want out of YOUR life? Savings account? College? Trade school? You have a home, allow yourself to LIVE there.
If you can, find a therapist who can help you develop your needs and wants and how to implement them. Write them down. Armed with the "how to deal with a narc" books, write down what you want to say to your mother and how you want to live your life, things like: I can't afford to pay for your medicines. I can only stop by twice a week to help you. No, I can't possibly do that [whatever "that" is].
Set your limits of what you're able and willing to do. Search through this forum and do a search for "narc" or "narcissist" to find those threads started by people desperately needing to free themselves of narcs. You'll find ideas and encouragement for yourself to free yourself totally or least set limits that are tolerable for you, yet still allow you to feel right with what you're doing (or not).
You deserve your life. Accept nothing less. *big hug*