Does your elderly parent sabotage you?

Yes, I get it. My parents aren't that old, but, they don't seem to utilize a lot of the planning and executive function that they used to. I would question if she just isn't able to do things the way you want. As seniors age, even if they don't have dementia, they seem to lose their ability to empathize and recognize that others can't be at their beck and call.

It seems to be wildly popular though. I see it with my parents, their friends and my friends' parents. The only thing thing that I know is have her reschedule or just leave all the scheduling up to you. Yes, that's more work, but, what's the alternative? There are some senior transport options in my community that operates for very modest fees. The problem is how long the rider may have to stay out for the day, due to the number places the mini bus takes people. You have to take your lunch, since you could have to wait most of the day to get back home. Of course, some seniors might like that, because there are lots of people to chat with. Or, you could hire private drivers.

I'd consider that she may be forgetting what you tell her. Of course, she wouldn't admit that.

My mom is 93, lives with me. It’s like their only socialization is at the doctor’s office. I absolutely hate it. She loves it and wants me to be all chipper about it, like, whoopie, I get to go on my social outing to the doctor and my mom is the center of attention on stage, embellishing facts that I have to correct. Just gets crazy!

I feel your pain!

Keep your boundaries. She is taking advantage of you. If it is that serious tell her to call 911 or get a taxi. Stick with your schedule -you need your own life too.

It may not be wise to tell her much about what you have going on. Mother, who was narcissistic, would pull an emergency when I went on holiday or had a special event. She had to be the center of attention and come first all the time. So I didn't tell her.

Sunnygirl1, I do try to stay flexible to her needs and agreeable to her aging process by adjusting each week as needed, but for her it's never been enough. I asked her to let me know whenever she needs an appointment, so I could make the appointment and then let her know. Partly for my convenience but also because she seems to have difficulty following conversations on the phone. This came out of the blue, and now that I took her to the doctor, it's clear that when she talked to my neighbor earlier in the week, she was annoyed that my neighbor mentioned how busy I'd be with our new grandson. That rubbed her the wrong way and triggered her need for immediate attention. I wish I could blame her lack of empathy and selfishness on her age. She has been this way all my life. It's just magnified with age. I don't mind helping her, it's just frustrating that instead of appreciating it, she just wants to pile more on when she feels threatened, ironically by her own family.

My mom does this "OH, I am so glad to see you! I have been praying and praying for you to come" line on me when I go see her. (Very rarely these days.) I call her on it. "No, mom, you were NOT praying for me to come. Love of heaven. If you need ME, call me". She won't. It's far more dramatic to have her pining away in her apartment praying for me to show up to do A, B or C. Trust me, it's NEVER anything important.

She sets up for me to take her places and then gets my YB with whom she lives to take her, so I show up, she's not home, doesn't know how to answer her phone and I trot home wondering what happened. If I confront her with this, she acts coy and small--" oh, you're just so busy all the time"--I decided to ask R.

MOTHER. I PLANNED to take you. I planned my whole stupid DAY around this. I think she just enjoys looking "popular" if that makes sense.

We had a family event on Sunday. The entire family was there--and she wanted me or DH to run get her, run her to the event (45 minutes away) and then bring her right home b/c she doesn't like sitting on hard chairs. So, DH or I would have spent literally NO TIME with our kids and g-kids. She saw no problem with that.

Mostly I have found that I just don't tell her anything. She only cares about what came in the mail, what somebody said about her cute shirt at Bingo and how much everyone adores her. It gets old.

She'll do this to YB too. She needs him, he is in the garage or up in his office and she will simply sit in her apartment 100 feet away and wishes he'd come down. I asked her why she didn't CALL him. (The one number she can remember)...hemming and hawing,,,no answer, just wants to be his first priority or something, I do not know.

We have to set the boundaries. If I let her, she'd eat me alive.

The solution lies within you, pattiac. As long as you allow yourself to be ordered around and at her beck and call, Mom will be more than happy to do so. My mom was the opposite. She was content with one visit a week, but then went around telling everyone I didn’t have time for her.

You are a grown woman, blessed with grandchildren. You have a life. Take Mom’s demands to the extreme and offer to call transport for her, be it Uber, Lyft, community transport, or, like in our town, we have a gentleman who will take people to medical appointments. Found him on Facebook. If she says it’s an emergency, offer to call 911. At my mom’s senior apartment, the community transport stopped right at the door. When I was very busy with my own grandsons or hubby, she either took that transport or went without. If you have something going on, four words, “Sorry, Mom, I cant.” Do not say “I’ll be right there.” If she persists, kindly suggest moving to Assisted Living where she will have constant attention. Like my mom was, your mom may be jealous of you and your life. This is not a curable condition, just one to be dealt with.

OP - I could tell you some stories about "faking it". I've had it all.

Calls from hospital where Dad had been admitted (made up chest pains) and they wanted me to come and pick him up (because there was nothing wrong). I was 2.5 hours away by train - not practical. He refused to take taxi I was going to pay for and sat and waited for patient transport for 5 hours !!!!

Fake head wounds. Holiday weekend. He'd had argument with GP the friday before because he though his chest infection (slight sniffle) meant he should be in hospital - GP disagreed. So bang head on cupboard - sorted.

GP now refuses to visit him at home (he called them out so often). And ambulance wont turn up now.

Thank you all for your input. It gives me strength to hear what you all suggest. I come here often to get and give advice. Sometimes things will be peaceful for a while, then the proverbial s#@t hits the fan. It's tiresome since this is who she was since I was a child and it was like parenting them with all of their issues (alcoholism, co-dependence, and narcissism). The last year I've pushed back a great deal to maintain my life and force my mother to see she either needs more in home help or to go to assisted living nearby. We have several nice places nearby to consider. If there is one thing this has taught me, it is NEVER to be this way with my children. They deserve their lives and it brings me and my husband much joy to be with them! Thank you all for your time and support!

Three words: adult day care. Find one, and use it. She'll get to socialize with others her own age and you'll keep your sanity.

You are trying to maintain your boundaries and she doesn’t have any. So you are right that these are imaginary emergencies. As my sister would ask me "is he bleeding from an orifrice or on the verge of death, if not then it’s not an emergency ". Laughable but she was trying to help me put things in perspective of when I should be worried. So if she pulls this again and you are not available, (and I wouldn’t be), either call for transport if she’s unable, or call the doctor's office and reschedule the appointment to your convenience. So exasperating.

pattiac, your boundaries with your mother are similar to the ones I used to have with my mother. She wouldn't make appointments without making sure they would work for me, though. Big difference.

Now she's in a NH, so of course it's no longer an issue. My goal is to visit once a week. I do have to accompany her on outside medical appointments, though. The facility transport van is used ($65/RT; she pays), and I ride along for free. I'm also now getting paid for my time by the brother who is in charge of her finances.

I resented what I had to do for a long time, and now I mostly pity her.

Ask her if it's serious enough for you to call her a taxi? Let her decide.

I was just reading the persons remarks about why her mom will pray for her to come and doesn’t call , just wondering if she is embarrassed to say she doesn’t know how to use the phone anymore, my also very needle mom has dementia , if I say I’m arriving at a time she will forget that I said to stay in her room etc . She just forgets everything so it’s always hard for me to figure out when she is manipulating me or just the brain not working . See if your mom can even make a phone call anymore , just a thought !

I have the same thing with my mother. I talked to a neuropsychologist who emphasized I need to take care of myself first. If I start falling apart / getting ill then I cannot be here for my 5 year old, my wife, my 98 year old grandmother, and certainly not for my mother. He said I have to be ok with the boundaries I set in place and stick to them. There are many things in life that cannot be controlled and we certainly cannot control others. Once I stuck to the boundaries my mother got the point. She now has a care giver come in once a day for 3 hours so I know if anything happened she will be ok. If she gets to the point where she cannot afford I will ask one of her neighbors to check on her or call her once a day with a time limit on that call. Believe me I know the manipulation that they can place on a person but you have to take care of you first. Hope that makes sense. It took me a long time to come to terms with my situation but after I fell ill twice from stress I said no more guilt / manipulation. I hope that helps. You are not alone.

Chris

My Middle Sibling who Lives the Closest...Yes, She is now a Caregiver and Dad's Enabler...
Don't be Her POAS or any other Executive if you cannot Handle not only the Title but the responsibilities that Go with it.

My MiL is narcissitic and does not think we have a life except serving her. We have started cleaning her apartment once a week and doing her laundry. She is in independent living and so getting somebody to do these things is expensive. She will not do them and will wear the same dirty clothes for weeks. She has somebody come in 3x a day for meds and once a week for a shower. she will not shower on her own even though she says she does. She still says she walks everyday and could go golfing (has not been in 2 years) even though we did try to take her and she says she is too sick. She wants to travel but can't and gets mad at us if we do. We just came back and she did not even remember we were gone.

My mom's dementia is accelerating and this has been the endless issue. "If you don't come to [her city] and help I'll be dead." She keeps going to the ER because she is sure she is "dying," and they find nothing wrong. Two of us siblings live plane rides away. The other lives not too far away but works long hours and travels a lot. Now she is calling us in the middle of the night to say she "doesn't feel well" and needs to see a doctor. She is in a very nice Assisted Living where she has access to round-the-clock care.

I'm trying to create boundaries, too, but it is difficult because she doesn't remember what we've said or done, and instead criticizes and guilts us.

Sorry, other than sticking to boundaries, I do not have any good solutions, but feel your pain.

You will only have your mother once & she's reaching out for attention. Sounds like she wants you around more often. Mine was put in an 'assisted living center' by my brother & sister. She can't do anything for herself & is almost 92 years old. Wish she was still at her home & I could go & take her to appointments & grocery store. She's very unhappy & wants to go home but my brother, who has Power Of Attorney won't let her. My sister has decided she will live in her house. Good luck with your mother.

if it’s a real emergency, you will know. I go through something similar with my Dad. It stopped as soon as I said I couldn’t take him because I was out of town. This could also be a work conflict or a prior personal commitment. After that, he agreed to let me make his appointments for him. Those are the only ones I take him to, unless it is a real emergency. A real emergency is life-and-death that requires a trip to the ER, not some new problem that needs a scheduled appointment with one of his doctors. You have to make your line clear, and stand by it. Every time you take her in (and then “slap the back of her hand” after) it reenforces that it is not a real line and she gets her way every time.

Let me give you an example - my late mother loved to go to the doctor - NOT for her health, but to SOCIALIZE. It became ridiculous when I asked what the resolution was to her health crisis when she went to the doctor via her town's van. I would ask - "So mom, what did the doctor do for you? You told her what was wrong, right?" Her response - "No, I didn't tell her. We just socialized." UGH! So your mother may be looking for socialization because she is lonely.

You say you keep firm boundaries, but then when she made the appointment you gave in (this time?) and are taking her. I know so well how hard this boundary thing is. Do you know the saying "you give them an inch and tney take a mile"? Stay strong! I mentioned before that I had a few sessions with a psychologist to help me with the boundary situation. Very helpful. Just tell the psychologist you want practical training for that, othwise they want to explore and fix everything in your life. You say she wants attention. Can you supply that with adult day care or the senior center?

Thank you for the helpful ideas and understanding. This has been the "soft place" for me to fall throughout my many years of caregiving. If not for the support here and from my family and friends, I wouldn't make it through. Best wishes to everyone!

Although not part of your original post, you did say to NeedHelpWithMom:

"I have to correct my mother as well, and she gets furious, but I'm not going to waste the doctor's time on phantom imaginings. It is crazy and whenever I try to put her in her place, she turns it around on me!"

Suggestion is not to do the "correcting" in front of her. You can inform the doctor or nurse and avoid both wasting time AND arguments with mom... If you like her treating you badly, continue as you were....

Maybe this will help: http://seniorsmatter.com/setting-limits-caregiver-caregiver-burnout/

OP - I've tried with Dad to no avail.

"Dad you've got to listen to the GP when they tell you take you're meds" and "Dad you can't keep phoning them when they tell you they've already told you the same thing they're going to refuse to visit". Result - they now refuse to visit.

"Dad you can't keep calling 999 or they're going to not take it seriously when you're really ill". Result - last two ambulances turned up 24 hours later.

"Dad you can't press the alert button when its not an emergency". Result - hes had two letter now reminding him of the scope of the service. Before too long I fully expect that may be removed.

"Dad you can't moan to the District Nurse that shes turned up later than you like because you're going out because the service is just for housebound patents" - Result - he got removed from the list and told to attend the surgery. (He has since managed to get back on the list but still complains to the DN and says he'd like them to visit at 9am so he can go out!)

My mom is 92 as well and the only way I can help her (i was living in another state) was move in. I try to keep things organized. We write down all her medical appointments, and try to keep the schedule fresh. There are still things that pop up, especially medication refills that have to happen now. I work at home and do a lot of phone work, so managing this is important.

But I get your problem completely.

You might want to try to just tell her "no" when she makes an "emergency" appointment without first notifying you. Say you can't do it. Period. No negotiations.

On the plus, she is choosing to live independent. That at least gives your own time. The only respite I've had was when she was in rehab because of a nasty fall. She came back home today, and I'm in depression. Wait until she discovers that I just disabled her car. I don't think she should be driving anymore and I'm tired of worrying about her hitting people. So enough of that.

applewatch - Glad I never read that post just before going to sleep last night. I'd have had nightmares all night about having my Dad move in with me... No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

Paul,

Knowing what I know from your post, this is 😁 too funny!

I’m so glad your father hasn’t taken away your wonderful, dry, sarcastic humor that I love about you.

Keep laughing, my friend. No one deserves a laugh more than you!

My grandfather came to the US from Birmingham, England. I’ve always wanted to go to England. If I ever go, I am going to message you for the name of your favorite pub and have a drink for the both of us! Mine is gin and tonic. What’s yours? I also love a great beer. 😊

pattiac,

Yes, it does happen. They take a lot for granted. Have no idea why. Think it is different for different people. My grandmother in law did it because she thought the world revolved around her!

She constantly asked me to cancel plans so she wouldn’t miss a sale at her favorite boutique! Told her no! This woman bought $10,000 watches, then asked for a senior citizen discount at Burger King! They broke the mold with her!

I solved it by telling her to call her sales person and have her set aside some clothes for her and I would take her the following day, which I did. She walked out after spending thousands of dollars, then asked to go to Burger King for lunch! Only time we ate at nice restaurants was when I treated! She was crazy 😜!

It is a challenge to say the least. Most of the time it is wanting sympathy as you say, boredom, fear, frustration, etc.

Sometimes though, it’s something ‘real’. Early one Saturday my mom said she felt funny. I actually saw her fear. She said she felt weak and named a few other symptoms. I really didn’t feel like another ER trip for nothing but I went with her feeling that something indeed might be wrong.

She started with wanting an ambulance again, then complains about the price of ER and ambulance, so I said no to the ambulance and would drive the short distance.

We get there, she complains about the wait. I get annoyed from her chronic complaining and worrying but bottle it up as usual (why I have high blood pressure!) and she will ask me to check how much longer it will be. Of course they can’t tell me but she bugs me to death until I check for her. I have even tried sitting a few feet away and play on my phone but she will still ask me to go see how long it will be, grrrrrr!

Anyway, the nurse calls us in. First thing she asked and I could see it was genuine fear this time was, “Am I going to die?” It broke my heart! The nurse did not answer her and she says, “Oh, Lord. This must be the end!”

They did some test. Checked her vitals. Low blood pressure. Of course she felt off. Dr. said to us it was common for Parkinson’s patients to have low blood pressure and said for her to discontinue her blood pressure meds. I have no idea why she was ever on BP meds because she has never had high BP. I DO!

So we get home and every hour she is checking her BP.

So, sometimes, just sometimes it’s the real deal. A real concern but boy do I feel your pain!

My mom lives with me, 93 with Parkinson’s.

I think doctor appointments give them something to do and something to talk about afterwards. My mom won’t go to a senior center.

You’re right they will always find something. Doesn’t matter if we have plans. They expect us to cancel. Unless it’s an emergency I have learned to say no, most of the time. I’m a work in progress that is trying to learn from this forum too.

I hope it gets better for you, me and our 90 plus year old moms! Take care. I wish you well.

I think you have a good plan by setting aside two days a week. Other than that, maybe hire someone which cost a small fortune! It’s tough. Or insists she do NH or AL if twice a week isn’t enough, at least threaten her with it! LOL. I have done that! I have no room to talk because I am dragging my feet on this as well. It’s very hard, very emotional.

Hugs!

Disgustedtoo -Lot of hard working people in the NHS in the UK but it can't cope. Under-resourced.

Of course free healthcare sounds like a cracking idea but in practice its not working. Part of the problem is people are used to it, used to it being rubbish, used to long waits. And worse still because its free and there are no penalties will not turn up for appointments or turn up and A&E with a cough because they dont want to wait for GP. (Another story - getting a GP appt can take 2 weeks - so people dont bother)

My wife was VERY ill last time she was pregnant. Life threatening asthma. One A&E visit we got there 9pm and got home 12am middday next day. Not uncommon.

Some people pay for private health insurance. I do. Had back problems - wait for MRI via NHS was months. Private insurance got me seen within days.