Dear Agingcare friends,
I am sorry that I disappeared for the past week. My very dysfunctional family struck again. My older sister lives 8 hours away. She became very good friends with my young sister-in-law during my father's illness. My little brother joined them. I have been amazed at my 63 year old sister's ability to tattle, twist information, and start trouble. She never had children and is jealous because I did. I am sorry for her in a way, but I strongly feel that she would have become a narcissistic mother. She acted that way as my sister. The latest incident was the last as far as I am concerned.My father will have been dead for 2 years on July 17. Mother, in the custom of her church, ordered the flowers for the closest Sunday. She also asked my son, who is a music major and is a music worship leader at 20 years old in a small church, to sing and play that Sunday.He led the music at my father's memorial service. My sister sounded very offended when she and I discussed her visit on that Sunday and my son's involvement. I offered for her to sing instead. She made the polite Southern comment indicating that Adam should play and sing. Within two days, she had taken my comment that our family didn't want to offend anyone, involved my younger brother, and started major drama. I promised my father to keep the peace as he was dying. I can't. There is just too much baggage floating around our family with siblings born in the 1940's, 1950's, and 1960's. Plus my mother had a traumatic brain injury four years ago and cannot remember certain events at certain times. To top it off, my older brother who is a doctor, did not follow my father's DNR and tried to control his treatment during his 8 month illness. The hospitals Dad was in complained constantly and finally came to me because they considered my brother's behavior unethical. I am a special education teacher and was not afraid to do whatever was necessary for Dad. We are still fractured due to this, and my brother's license has been temporarily lapsed. I have decided to remove myself from my siblings. I am the only child that lives near mother, and I check on her daily, However,I have arranged for any texts or phone calls from my older sister and youngest brother to be blocked. I have left my phone open to my brother, the doctor, in case there is an issue with mother.My husband, son, and I have arranged for books to be donated in my father's memory for that day, and my son will offer to play and sing earlier in the month. We will arrange to be out of town for a graduate school tour and audition during the weekend that the rest of the family is there. My youngest brother is furious with me and my sister is haughty and wants to be in control. I have always had a different lifestyle from theirs. My husband and I are teachers and my son has played several instruments since a very young age in many different orchestras, trios, etc. We don't criticize their lifestyle choices, They don't like ours. My husband and son just cannot deal with the drama and the fact it upsets me. Is this the wrong attitude to take? My mother will not understand if I try to explain even though this is about the 15th major incident in less than two years. I will have contact with her, but will avoid contact with my siblings. I think the doctors gave my mother the wrong child at the hospital. :) I do not fit in and never have.
That you fainted is not good, and does reflect the stress you have been under. I was forced to distance myself more due to health issues too. I think it is nature's way of telling us that enough is enough, and the time for major change has come. You have listened to your body and are making those changes. Good for you. I felt my family ended whn my dad died years ago. I didn't even go to his funeral, as my sis and mother had already started in on me. This shocks some people, but the stress of their treament of me combined with the stress of his death would have been too much for me to cope with. Instead, I spent a few days visiting him, as he requested, just before he died. We do what we have to do to survive, and I have no regrets.
You mentioned your mother drinking with your brother. That sounded pretty unhealthy to me, and I am like you - a drink once in a while is fine, but don't hurt yourself or others. Your mum is very fortunate to have you nearby. I am not sure that the reverse is true. Do what you feel you have to do, but don't get sucked into the dramas or games. Family, to me, are the people who treat me well, and care for me, and my wellbeing. My sig other's question has been "Are you the only sane one in your family?" I am so glad he met my cousins who are "normal" people. I know your mum has a brain injury, but it seems to me she also makes some unhealthy choices that affect you negatively. Visit as often as is good for you, if you need more time to yourself, that is OK. too.
Hipe you are having a great week in your new found freedom.
Joan ♥
Rebecca, I agree it's time to kick these sibs to the curb. It's difficult enough when you have so much responsibility with your mom and have to cope with her memory issues. Why take abuse from sibs who are supposed to have both oars in the water. Blocking call that are hurtful and antagonist seems like a wise decision to me.
You said, "My husband and son just cannot deal with the drama and the fact it upsets me. Is this the right attitude to take?" Are you asking if your husband and son's attitude is right? I think they should be supportive of you and help you find the resolution that you feel is best for you. (But, I'm not sure I have the question right)
What is the issue with you both being teachers and your sibs not liking your lifestyle? What do the sibs do?
I'm glad that you are sharing more of your life with us. I am so sorry for the brain injury your mom suffered and how it has affected her relationship with reality. What was she like before the brain injury?
Rebecca. I have to get my dad to bed now, but I'll be back. You are a wonderful person and a good daughter to your mom and also to your father, bless his soul. And you are a good friend to us.
Love you and glad you are back. Cattails
I'm sorry that you have to severely restrict your contact with certain relatives, at least for now, but I see that it is a smart move. You are trying to keep the peace? I'll bet things seem a lot more peaceful with those calls and texts blocked.
Keep up the good work. Honor your father on your own terms. Visit, help, and comfort your mother. Do what ya gotta do.
You rock!
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