Dear Agingcare friends,
I am sorry that I disappeared for the past week. My very dysfunctional family struck again. My older sister lives 8 hours away. She became very good friends with my young sister-in-law during my father's illness. My little brother joined them. I have been amazed at my 63 year old sister's ability to tattle, twist information, and start trouble. She never had children and is jealous because I did. I am sorry for her in a way, but I strongly feel that she would have become a narcissistic mother. She acted that way as my sister. The latest incident was the last as far as I am concerned.My father will have been dead for 2 years on July 17. Mother, in the custom of her church, ordered the flowers for the closest Sunday. She also asked my son, who is a music major and is a music worship leader at 20 years old in a small church, to sing and play that Sunday.He led the music at my father's memorial service. My sister sounded very offended when she and I discussed her visit on that Sunday and my son's involvement. I offered for her to sing instead. She made the polite Southern comment indicating that Adam should play and sing. Within two days, she had taken my comment that our family didn't want to offend anyone, involved my younger brother, and started major drama. I promised my father to keep the peace as he was dying. I can't. There is just too much baggage floating around our family with siblings born in the 1940's, 1950's, and 1960's. Plus my mother had a traumatic brain injury four years ago and cannot remember certain events at certain times. To top it off, my older brother who is a doctor, did not follow my father's DNR and tried to control his treatment during his 8 month illness. The hospitals Dad was in complained constantly and finally came to me because they considered my brother's behavior unethical. I am a special education teacher and was not afraid to do whatever was necessary for Dad. We are still fractured due to this, and my brother's license has been temporarily lapsed. I have decided to remove myself from my siblings. I am the only child that lives near mother, and I check on her daily, However,I have arranged for any texts or phone calls from my older sister and youngest brother to be blocked. I have left my phone open to my brother, the doctor, in case there is an issue with mother.My husband, son, and I have arranged for books to be donated in my father's memory for that day, and my son will offer to play and sing earlier in the month. We will arrange to be out of town for a graduate school tour and audition during the weekend that the rest of the family is there. My youngest brother is furious with me and my sister is haughty and wants to be in control. I have always had a different lifestyle from theirs. My husband and I are teachers and my son has played several instruments since a very young age in many different orchestras, trios, etc. We don't criticize their lifestyle choices, They don't like ours. My husband and son just cannot deal with the drama and the fact it upsets me. Is this the wrong attitude to take? My mother will not understand if I try to explain even though this is about the 15th major incident in less than two years. I will have contact with her, but will avoid contact with my siblings. I think the doctors gave my mother the wrong child at the hospital. :) I do not fit in and never have.
Rebecca, I agree it's time to kick these sibs to the curb. It's difficult enough when you have so much responsibility with your mom and have to cope with her memory issues. Why take abuse from sibs who are supposed to have both oars in the water. Blocking call that are hurtful and antagonist seems like a wise decision to me.
You said, "My husband and son just cannot deal with the drama and the fact it upsets me. Is this the right attitude to take?" Are you asking if your husband and son's attitude is right? I think they should be supportive of you and help you find the resolution that you feel is best for you. (But, I'm not sure I have the question right)
What is the issue with you both being teachers and your sibs not liking your lifestyle? What do the sibs do?
I'm glad that you are sharing more of your life with us. I am so sorry for the brain injury your mom suffered and how it has affected her relationship with reality. What was she like before the brain injury?
Rebecca. I have to get my dad to bed now, but I'll be back. You are a wonderful person and a good daughter to your mom and also to your father, bless his soul. And you are a good friend to us.
Love you and glad you are back. Cattails
I'm sorry that you have to severely restrict your contact with certain relatives, at least for now, but I see that it is a smart move. You are trying to keep the peace? I'll bet things seem a lot more peaceful with those calls and texts blocked.
Keep up the good work. Honor your father on your own terms. Visit, help, and comfort your mother. Do what ya gotta do.
You rock!
That you fainted is not good, and does reflect the stress you have been under. I was forced to distance myself more due to health issues too. I think it is nature's way of telling us that enough is enough, and the time for major change has come. You have listened to your body and are making those changes. Good for you. I felt my family ended whn my dad died years ago. I didn't even go to his funeral, as my sis and mother had already started in on me. This shocks some people, but the stress of their treament of me combined with the stress of his death would have been too much for me to cope with. Instead, I spent a few days visiting him, as he requested, just before he died. We do what we have to do to survive, and I have no regrets.
You mentioned your mother drinking with your brother. That sounded pretty unhealthy to me, and I am like you - a drink once in a while is fine, but don't hurt yourself or others. Your mum is very fortunate to have you nearby. I am not sure that the reverse is true. Do what you feel you have to do, but don't get sucked into the dramas or games. Family, to me, are the people who treat me well, and care for me, and my wellbeing. My sig other's question has been "Are you the only sane one in your family?" I am so glad he met my cousins who are "normal" people. I know your mum has a brain injury, but it seems to me she also makes some unhealthy choices that affect you negatively. Visit as often as is good for you, if you need more time to yourself, that is OK. too.
Hipe you are having a great week in your new found freedom.
Joan ♥
I'm the neutral one in the family. Everyone can talk to me, tell me their problems, etc. because I'm a good listener. So not only am I and my oldest sis taking the burden of the parents, my family also talk to me of their problems, etc..
Jeanne gave me some very good advice because I was becoming so bitter, resentful and angry towards siblings for not helping us. She said that I can change my situation. That I have options. She told me to give up my bitterness towards my Dear Brother of Next Door. I keep telling myself that all my siblings have their own life and they chose not to help. So, I've decided that I need relationships where it's a give/take. I no longer want a one-sided kind. I'm still trying to figure out how to back off or cut down with my family relationship. I will always remain resentful if they keep coming to me for encouragement, relationship problems and work problems, etc..and they're not giving back by helping me.
You know what popped in my head as I read your story? Forget them! Yes, they're your siblings. If they want a relationship with you, then they need to start making nice. Based on the years you gave, hello??! You had like at least 50 years of this treatment. I don't think it's going to change any time soon. Forget it! You have your very own family. It's time to put all your effort to them.
Visiting mom? If you know the siblings will be there on Mother's Day or Thanksgiving or Xmas, then visit your mom the day before or after. That's how our family does it. Easter Sunday on Saturday with the in-laws' side and Easter on our side. Your mom ask why not with your other siblings, just say that you want to spend quality time alone with her. Just as your siblings will spend quality time tomorrow.
Well, you needed that week in the dark hole. You needed to hit rock bottom in order to wake up. Now that you have, you can proceed to just concentrate on your immediate family. You take care!
So, unfortunately, you have some very useless siblings who have no true concept of compassion, honesty, or the ability to put anyone else before their pathetic thoughts or desires.
You can not change this bunch of idiots. All they give you is stress, heartache and disrespect. I'm happy that you had a loving relationship with your dad, but you are not a miracle worker. It is not in your power to make your sibs happy or congenial.
They are not little children that have been left in your care. They are grown adult alcoholics who are abusive to you.
Of course your suffering is going to have a negative affect on your husband and son. They love you and want you to live in the world the three of you have created. It's a good solid place; one that is based on love, respect, and mutual support.
There is no reason to carry on relationships with siblings who are hateful, just because they are siblings. To let them continue to victimize you is wrong. It's wrong for your health and wrong for your husband and son.
In my very humble opinion, you are the one good thing that your dad had a hand in creating. Don't let a comment he made bind you to misery. I know he would not have wanted that to happen. Give him credit for being able to understand that you have no power to do what he asked. He would want you to know that you are free to live a happy life with your husband and son and not be the family whipping post. He wouldn't have tolerated that if he was alive and he wouldn't want you to tolerate it in his absence.
For the sake of your physical and mental well being, bring an end to the abuse. Stop having contact with your sibs. As far as your mom goes, you don't "HAVE" to tell her anything. You can make your own decisions and you don't owe her an explanation up front. If your sibs bring it up to her and she asks you about it, just tell her that the sibling relationships do not work for you. They bring too much stress into your life and your health suffers when you have to interact with them and so you have decided to make your health the first priority. If she doesn't like it, then tell her that you appreciate how disappointed she is, but this is your decision and you are sticking to it. You are happy to continue to check on her, but you will no longer have contact with people that hurt you. Maybe she will even begin to understand that she could be on that list too.
Rebecca, we all love you and know you have done your best. You have most certainly done the right thing in cutting ties and looking out for your self. Better late than never. Also, if your therapist doesn't get this and tell you the same thing, it's time for a new therapist.
Love and Hugs to you, my very dear friend. Cattails.
Good luck to you!
Yeah for the fun and smaller phone bill. Don't respond to any more emails. Don't expect them to leave your mom out of it because I don't think it's their style. I put my thoughts about that in my previous post.
Rebecca, you are a smart lady and you have a great family. If you want a sister, I'll be glad to be that for you as will many others. Be happy. You have so much more love in your life than your sibs. Take that blessing and be grateful. Leave the rest behind.
Love, Cattails
Your answer makes so much sense and gives validity to what I am feeling. My mother is so much worse; she had a serious traumatic brain injury 6 years ago and seems to be very normal but her thought processes are lacking in reality and common sense. Her age, 84, is a factor in all of this but, I realized this week that she needs so much help she won't accept. Dementia seems to be a factor here, also. I will not have help from any siblings and she will fight me every step of the way. So, I think I will just have to let social services help me this time. No one else is around to do it, and I promised my Dad I would help her and take care of her. I am going to survive, but at 57 I have COPD even though I have never smoked. I just taught for 35 years and caught pneumonia too many times. I plan to take care of myself. I want my 20 year old son to have the freedom to be whatever he has planned for himself and will help him all I can . My husband hates my family and makes the situation more difficult for me. So, I am going to make myself have some fun, improve my health, and do what I can for those who will let me. That does not include my siblings. Thanks for the listening ear. Take care, also. Rebecca, another bookworm
I am so glad you are planning to have more fun, and less contact with the hurtful relatives. I don't worry any more about being "rude" by normal social custom, as I am not dealing with normal people, so, I find, that the same rules don't apply. I am also very glad to see that you will call social services in to help with your mum. Drinking combined with a serious brain trauma is a very bad combination, as you know, and, I would think, would need professional help. Do take time off and take care of you. Time is not endless for any of us. Let us know what fun you are planning.
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
Joan